What should I do???

So, all the progress I was making internally is pretty much shot now... I have been pretty depressed lately, and I have gained about 5 pounds since I posted last... It is driving me nuts!

Basically what happened, was that I was feeling great about myself, and I was feeling strong and proud of myself and the progress I have been making and once again, my mom comes at me and discourages me... I told her that I feel like I am a good person and a lot of the things I do that aren't desireable aren't entirely my fault due to the abuse as a child and my life experiences... SHE said that I AM a bad person - because in her eyes, all people are bad, and that by saying things are not my fault, I am not taking responsibility for my actions...

Why do I let her completely undo all the progress I have made in one conversation? She makes me feel like I can't do anything right and no matter what I do, I can never be good enough. She disagrees with all the things I am learning, and I disagree with a lot of the things she taught me... This was two weeks or more ago, and I have yet to shake the residual feelings of inferiority.

I also am feeling like I need to tell her about my sexual orientation as well as about my husband and my open marriage. I feel like in keeping these things from her, I am not being true to myself, and that is going against the positive changes that have been made in my life... I can't truly be proud of myself unless I am proud enough to tell her the truth.

But it is hard, because I know it would hurt her, and she would take it personally. She would feel like she had failed as a mother, and I don't want her to feel that way, but to change just because she wouldn't approve isn't fair to myself. I have done that before, and I just felt like my life was fake and meaningless... I don't want to conform... I want to be myself. But I don't want to hurt her... and I don't want to hide anymore... WHAT DO I DO???

I kinda feel like I am at a stand still right now... I can't be happy with who I am unless I am honest with her. But I also want/need her approval, and telling her this would ruin that. Due to her religious beliefs, she would not be able to be proud of me if I told her these things. She wouldn't be able to accept me. I feel like she is accepting a lie right now, and that really bothers me.

Part of me just thinks that if I gave her time, she would learn to see the good in me, and just accept the parts she doesn't agree with. But I don't know that for sure...

HELP!

AnaNae

60th Post!!!

Wow, I can't believe it! 60 posts... In that time, my body has gotten worse, but my attitude and self-worth have hugely improved. I have stopped my desire to self-destruct... And while I haven't found the energy or drive to better myself, I am definitely making steps in the right direction.

I got an ultrasound the other day, and there is only one little peanut in there. :) I am kinda glad!!! I just hope it is a boy!!! :) I am 10 weeks and 2 days now. Right where I am supposed to be... It was so cute; I got to watch "him" move... "He's" an active little thing! :) I wish I could watch that all day everyday!!! :) I love it!

The Doctor found a cyst too, which concerns me a little, but she said that it can be normal for them to form during pregnancy, and that they usually go away on their own. She wasn't concerned, so I shouldn't be either.

We are getting ready for Christmas in our house. We re-arranged the living room yesterday, and will probably set up the tree Friday. :) I am going to start cooking for Thanksgiving today... I will probably make my casserole, since it is better the second day anyway... :) I will probably also make my gravy ahead of time too... Sorry, ladies, Enough about food...

I have started feeling a bit better with the pregnancy, so I should be able to start working out again soon! :) That is exciting, altho, I will have to take it slow at first to see how I handle it. I am not doing the spinning class... I am just going to go use the eliptical and treadmil at the community center. It will be good to go again. I have missed it... I just didn't think people around me would appreciate me getting sick while they are trying to work out! :p

The kids have kept me pretty busy lately... The little one has discovered how to get up onto the diningroom table by herself... Oh boy... She is getting TOO big!!! :)

Well, that's my update... I have lost about a pound since I posted last, and I am going to get to start working out again soon!!! :) My official goal is to gain under 10 lbs the entire pregnancy... Actual goal is to not gain a single pound, but we will see how it goes. :)

AnaNae

A light at the end of the very very long tunnel...

I haven't felt like this in my entire life... I feel happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel content. I feel confident... How did this happen? Something I thought would never happen until I was skinny again...

I wrote a letter to my mom talking about how much she had hurt me and how I can be proud of myself despite what she would think... While I was writing this letter, I guess I was just realizing that the things I do don't define me, and the pain I have caused myself isn't because I am messed up in the brain... It is because people hurt me a lot, and it was a completely natural response.

All the things I am choosing to do in my life: The open marriage, drinking, occasionally smoking *none of which I can do atm*, singing at church, loving God and wanting to serve Him, My parenting skills, and even my eating habits... They are all parts of a whole. And without one of those things, I wouldn't be me... And I LIKE me... I like who I am. I like the woman I am becoming, and I like the choices I am making. It doesn't make me a hypocrite to be bi-sexual... It is just a part of who I am. I have been bi since I was a child... The first girl I loved was when I was in 4th grade! I have always been attracted to women since I can remember...

All just parts of a whole... It has kinda become my mantra lately. I can be proud of myself even if I do things that some people would think were wrong...

Now, I am not saying that I am just going to give up on my weight loss process just because I am finally healing emotionally... I do not like the way my body looks or feels right now. I am not healthy. I can't do a whole lot about it right now, due to the pregnancy... (I am 10 weeks, and I have been feeling baby move for about 2 weeks now... Twins?) I have stopped gaining, and I have been eating less. I have been stopping when I am full, and I haven't been eating a bunch of junk... Those are the things I go overboard on durning binges... While I haven't lost, it is probably due to the pregnancy, so I can't complain.

Time to get my kids up and ready for the day tho... Just wanted to fill you in on how I have been feeling lately. Better... Not perfect; far from it, but better. And that is progress... :)

AnaNae

Discoveries:

So I have discovered: I hate everyone and everything (except my kids) and I take it out on myself by eating and cutting and berating myself. I am reading a book about PTSD, and it talks about how this is normal. It is called anger-turned-inward... It starts when you are in a situation where you cannot express your anger for one reason or another. For me, this was at the girls' home I was in. The director's wife there was a Bitch and a half, and for some reason, she hated me more than the other girls. But if I were to stand up to her, I would have been in BIG trouble, and my life would have been hell for months. So I had to bite my tongue, sometimes quite literally, and take out my anger by punching myself in the leg or scratching myself when no one was looking just to release those feelings somehow... I hate her. She is probably the person in my life who did the most damage. It is actually probably a tie between her and Bio-mom.

I also have discovered recently, (I may have already said this) that EVERYONE in my life has made me feel inferior and like I was not good enough for them and that is where most if not all of my current issues stem from. For instance:

Bio-mom chose to be with the man who sexually abused me as a child rather than keep me. Literally, she was with him for a year or two after she gave me up and only when he said he wanted to have kids with her (sick fuck) and she wouldn't did HE say he would find someone who would!!!!! OMG!!! I would NEVER do that! I would never put a man or anyone above my kids!!! If Hubby hurt my kids, we'd be gone in a heartbeat! I wouldn't put up with it. Thankfully, my hubby is a good man, and a good father, and I don't have to worry about that, but seriously... I was not good enough for her to choose me.

My adoptive mom said to me on many occasions that she wished I would go live with my grandmother and be her problem... And one occasion, she said that when she prayed for a daughter, this [I] was not what she had pictured. I was not a good enough daughter because I was not perfect, and I had issues.

At the girls' home, I could NEVER do anything right, and the director's wife always assumed the worst about me (so did adoptive mom). My art work sucked, I was fat, I was "the worst girl they ever had" which I don't understand, because I was one of the FEW that didn't have a ton of secrets. Amongst the girls, I was one of the good ones! All I EVER wanted was to be her friend, and have her see me for who I was, but she could never do that... I was never good enough for her to like me.

When I got back from the girls' home, I was finally the daughter my mom always wanted, until I met my (now) husband, and I had sex with him. I was no longer perfect, so therefore, no longer good enough...

And now, My husband considers me a 5 on the "man-scale" and has issues with how I choose to parent, and my house is never clean enough, and so, I am not a good enough wife for him...

WOW. No wonder I hate myself. All my life, I have been taught that I am worthless, and I am broken, and I am never going to be good enough, so why on earth wouldn't I believe it!

The counseling and the books I am reading are trying to help me thru this. TO re-think, and re-learn, and put the anger that others have made me feel onto them... For instance, My mom was wrong for saying those things, and it is ok for me to be mad at her. I should not blame myself for her saying those things, because she was the one who was wrong. You just don't say those things to children. I never would, and she shouldn't have. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, no matter what I did or didn't do that prompted her to say them. It was HER bad, and SHE was wrong, not me...

My husband should NEVER say those things. A man should never tell a woman she is less than attractive, even if it might be true, because in doing so, it could destroy her sense of self-worth. We are hard enough on ourselves as women- we don't need men making it worse. HE was wrong for saying those things and being insensitive. While they may be true, He is not justified in saying what he said...

Director's wife was just a mean, bitter, hateful, angry, controlling woman who had no business being in a position of "ministry". She was wrong in how she treated me. I didn't deserve her animosity. I never did. I wasn't the bad person in that situation. She was. She was wrong for treating me and the rest of the girls how she did.

My mother is a selfish, lonely, woman who gave up the best things in her life so she could live her life the way she wanted. Her decision to give me up had nothing to do with me. She did that because she was selfish, and it was wrong of her to do that. I can't believe that she didn't want me... She just didn't want the responsibility of raising a child.

I was raised as a Christian, I have come to HATE Christianity's views on a lot of things. That we are supposed to believe that we are terrible people, and deserve the bad things that happen to us because we are sinful... No wonder so many christians have issues with depression and anxiety, and all that... we are taught from little kids in Sunday school that we are bad people and we deserve the worst punishment ever even thought of: Hell. I do believe we are not perfect people, and that is why we need Christ, but why do we have to make it about what we do or do not do... Why can't we just accept that it is because of the perfection of God, that we need a perfect Savior. Not because we are terrible people that will never be good enough... It isn't about us... It is about God, and His glory... Just my opinion. We can't ever be perfect on our own, and guess what, we aren't expected to... That is why we have a Savior... He was perfect for us, and sacrificed himself so that we could join him in heaven...

I know some of you might not be religious, and forgive me for getting into all of that if you aren't, but this has just been on my mind a lot lately. I get frustrated with the things I have been taught; what I mentioned above, that humility is hating yourself and thinking everyone else is better than you are, that being a christian is all about following a set of rules and regulations...

ANYWAY... I think this is enough for now... I just have a lot to figure out, and a lot to work thru. There has been an extensive amount of trauma in my life, and therefore, there is an extensive amount of damage to heal, but I am worth it, because I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. Now if I can just get to where I can believe all of that...

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I have stopped gaining, and I have even lost about 4 pounds, and I haven't even been trying! Things are starting to get a little better, I guess.

Love yourselves ladies, and make yourselves the best you can be because you are worth the effort. :)

AnaNae

I need help.

I suck. I hate my husband. I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone. *Except my kids... I love them.* I am just having a really hard time right now. I haven't had sex in probably 2 weeks or more. Pretty much since the day he said I was a 5.

Oh... And I said I would post a picture of me.

If you know me in RL, please message me privately to let me know. :)

I need your help ladies...

Is anyone out there? I really am having a terrible time lately... I have been uncontrollable. I haven't been doing the things I know I need to do... Why? I am lazy. I am scared. I am selfish. I am angry. I am busy. I am tired. I am pregnant. I am unhappy. I am weak... My therapist says that since I had to be so strong as a child, the PTSD is making the feelings I should have been having back then come to the surface now. I wasn't scared then, so now I am... I wasn't weak then, but now I am... My defense mechanisms are disolving, because I don't need them anymore. I am now able to handle the bad stuff from my past. I was strong growing up because I had to be... Now, I don't have to be, and so I feel weak. I was fearless then, because the fear would have killed me, and now I feel scared all the time...

I HATE it... I want to be strong again. I want to be fearless again. I want to be determined again. I want to be who I was before out of necessity... I want that girl to come back, and this pitiful, weak, wimp, coward to go away... I am just so tired... So tired. I can't explain the fatigue. I wish I could... But I can't... i literally could sleep 12 hours and wake up exhausted... I am finding that I don't have the energy to do what I need to do at the gym... I am SO tired... My muscles feel like they aren't working anymore... My brain is running at half speed... Everything has just slowed down inside me...

Probably the pregnancy, I know...

I am sorry that I used to be so positive, and uplifting... PTSD and Clinical Depression are a Bitch...

I really hope this doesn't last much longer... I don't think I can handle it anymore! Especially since things are rocky with the hubby... He isn't my support system anymore... We fought BAD again tonight... He told me to get out... I refused... HE compared me to the people who hurt me in the past, and I was so pissed I literally wanted to hit him or stab him or something... I wanted nothing more than to hurt him... Which is becoming a popular theme... I think had he come any where near me tonight after he said what he said, i would have started hitting him, and I don't think I could have stopped... I really am not a violent person... I have never hit anyone except my brother when we were little...

I wish I could just leave for a while... I am so tired...

WOW, Really?!

So, I asked my husband to rate me on a scale of 1-10... I was thinking I'd be about a 7. I am fat, so I can't be any higher than that, but I am by no means ugly. I still have a beautiful face with very well proportioned features, and nice hair... HE FUCKING SAID I WAS A 5!!!!! Maybe a 6... WHAT?!!!! OMG! He has rated girls that I thought were hideous as 7's!!! This is one of those days that I just have to focus on the fact that even tho he can be a complete ass hole sometimes, he is my husband, and I have chosen to love him for the rest of my life. But OMG! I wanted to cut him... I literally wanted to cause him physical pain! I should post a picture of what I look like in RL on here. Of course it would only be my face... The rest of me is disgusting... Let you ladies rate me... My god, I have to better than a Fucking 5!!! THe things we put up with for love... You know what my one thought is, and it is terrible, I know. But I can't help thinking that if he can't appreciate me for who I am now, Why the HELL should I reward him for being an ass hole by losing weight and giving him what he wants?! A fucking 5... That has been spinning in my head since he said it... Maybe tomorrow, I will post what I look like...

Oh, and 2fucking30 this morning... It has been a great day to say the least!

AnaNae

ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz...

Hey, lovelies...

So, I have stopped gaining, I guess that is good. :)I am so freaking tired from this pregnancy... Seriously, I can barely stay awake for 12 hours at a time! I fell asleep in the bathtub earlier today... Growing a human is hard work!

I started a book called the Beck Diet solution. It uses cognative therapy to re-train your brain to help you lose weight. I am on day 4, and have lost maybe a pound, but I really haven't been trying at all. I am waiting until day 14 like the book says... I am going to start writing down what I eat, and the calories that are in it. Not worrying too much about "what" I am eating yet. Just counting and limiting calories. Unfortunately, I actually have to have a minimum calorie limit of 1500 for the baby's sake... I am thinking 1500-1800 is a good range. I burn about 1700 on a normal day without working out, and you are supposed to add 300 for the baby... So, I should be fine, and not gain, if not actually lose, because I will still be working out, and I am not allowing extra cals for that... Those days, the baby can take what I am eating, and I can use my fat... :) (Works for me)

I have had to modify my workouts. I have to keep my heartrate under 140bpm. Which is actually good. That is prime heartrate for fat burning... And that is what I need... I am pretty strong, so I don't need too much strength or endurance training. It should be a good thing, but I am finding it hard to hold myself back... I want to feel my pulse pounding in my ears! But that is dangerous for Baby.

My sessions with Dr. L are going well. I really like her. She is helping me deal with my past so I can move on and allow myself to succeed in life. I am tired of self-sabotaging on purpose, and she is going to help me with that. I feel better emotionally. More stable, I guess... My moods aren't swinging quite as far as they were there for a while. AND, I am pregnant, which means that I am going to have moodswings due to hormones anyway, so some of what I am experiencing now is normal.

Hubby and I are good. I have gained a lot of weight back, but he is still being supportive and loving. No, he doesn't compliment me as much anymore, but he isn't being negative or degrading this time! He understands that there is more to it that simply a lack of self-control...

All in all, Life is going pretty well, except I am disgustingly fat... Like literally... 227ish... :( But I am learning in my book and my sessions with DR. L how to deal with the negative thoughts differently, so I can move on and forgive and live my life to the fullest and lose the weight and keep it all off this time! I am optimistic... I have a strong support system this time... And I am doing it the right way: Taking care of the internal struggles FIRST instead of trying to fix the outside and hoping my emotions and self-esteem would catch up!


Well, I thought I should give an update. Sorry I don't write more... I have a 1 and a 2 year old, that make it kind of hard to sit and type for any long period of time. :)

Stay strong, and learn to love yourselves for how strong you are. There are those of us that are trying to find the kind of strength you have to do the things that need to be done! (I will get there!!!)

AnaNae

Frustrating!

So, I am not sure what is going on with me... I have a couple ideas, but I am not sure. I am probably up to about 225 right now, and I can't bring myself to care. I know that I look disgusting. I know that I am unhealthy, I know that the problems I have been having sleeping lately are because of this, but yet, I am still eating a shit load of calories, and I can't seem to make myself stop. It is like there are two opposing forces in me. The me that wants to be healthy and beautiful and skinny and strong and lose weight, and there is a second force in me that makes me want to eat when I am not hungry... Tells me I am hungry after I have just eaten, and won't be satisfied with healthy food... I usually call this self-destruct mode... But I haven't been having a hard time emotionally this week. At the beginning of this week, I felt fine. I was happy, I was discovering things about myself- the good things... I was starting to love myself, and trying to be happy... But it is almost as if the better I have gotten internally, the worse I have gotten at maintaining my weight... By body is trying to make me hate myself again... WHY? Maybe because that is comfortable... I don't know how not to... I read that this is all normal when you are dealing with PTSD, -for your symptoms to get worse instead of better at first... Am I just making excuses for myself... Oh this is normal, so I can eat as much as I want and blame it on healing... I don't think it is... I think it is much deeper than that... Like I said, I feel like my body/mind is at war with itself... And the part that hates me is winning right now. And I am powerless to stop it... I don't know how to stop it. I hate it!

It has to get better at some point, right? I mean I have to heal eventually, and then I can not hate myself and self-sabotage and destruct anymore... I hope! I am tired of it! I want to be healthy for the new little life growing inside me, but I haven't been able to control my eating! It is frustrating! I am still working out 2-3 times a week, but I should even up that a bit, but I haven't. I don't want to...

Part of me wants to get better, but as time goes on, and the more I see the Doctor, the less I hear that part of me speaking...

I have upped my visits to once a week, so that when I am having meltdowns, and can't figure shit out, I don't have as long until I can talk to her about them. This week, i don't even know what is wrong. I refuse to blame it on pregnancy hormones! I can't let myself gain a ton of weight while I am pregnant because of "Hormones"...

Frustrating...

YEP!

I'm Pregnant. :)

F you ED!

So, ED has gotten the best of me in the past 2 weeks. At the psychologist, we are digging up a bunch of the shit that happened to me as a very small child... The stuff that before was subconsciously making me want to hurt myself... Now, it is conscious... I literally can and have gained like, 10 pounds in less than 2 weeks... I can't seem to stop eating. I know I am hurting my body, I look disgusting, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to care enough to stop. Food is a very temporary fix, but it has been a fix... For the short amount of time I eat, I feel better... Then it goes away, and I eat again. All of my hard work is gone now... I weigh more now than I did at the beginning of the year. It pisses me off, and I tell myself it is going to get better, but what do I do? I eat. and once again, I can't stop.

To all my ana friends on here: This is what it looks like from the other side. Instead of Ana telling me I can't eat or I will get fat, I have "Ed" telling me that if I eat, it will make the pain go away even for a little bit.

I do think I am discovering something about myself that may end up helping... A desire to be as little like my biological family particularly my mother as I possibly can be... My entire family is above 250 aside from me and a cousin. She is probably 170-180 range... I don't want to be like them! You picture the epitome of white trash, and that is my family. Filthy houses, don't take care of themselves, morbidly obese, trailer homes or apartments, but they do all have pretty nice vehicles... Granted, they are in debt because of those, but... Not a pretty picture.

I already am nothing like them in that respect... I am married to a wonderful man, we drive nice vehicles without being in horrible debt, and we have a really nice house that I keep pretty clean... It isn't always organized and toys aren't always put away, but it is not filthy, and I don't have bug problems...

My weight is the one thing that links me to them... That is why I need to sever that link... Break away from them completely!

Oh... And I think I am preggers... :) YAY!

:(

I am so tired... Tired of trying. Tired of failing... Tired of the pain. Will it ever go away?

Over a week.

I know it has been over a week since I have written anything on here. I have been journaling instead. Doing ok on eating... Eating pretty normally. I know if I ate less, I would lose quicker... I have been working out a LOT. My body looks completely different. I had a good amount of muscle before all this, but I am amazed at how much more I am developing. I am solid... I am going to be trying to get pregnant now... :) I will have to work out at a lower intensity, but that is better for burning fat anyway, so it will actually be a really good thing... I am hoping to not gain a single pound over what I am now in my pregnancy. Definitely do-able! I just have to be dilligent! :) I think once I find out I am pregnant, I am going to re-start my food/calorie journal. I had a ton of success when I was writing down everything I ate... I had calorie limits top end, and low end for optimal wt loss while still maintaining my metabolism. I lost about 30 pounds doing that right after baby 1 was born, but then I got pregnant again, and had to stop, and I have had trouble re-starting it, but I figured Start of a pregnancy, I can "do it for the Baby" instead of myself.

At the doctor, we are tackling a lot of the crap that happened to me as a child. It sucks! It is bringing back memories, and the Doctor actually wants me to "feel the pain of the memories" I don't want to... My body and mind fight it, but if it will help me, maybe I can move on...

I have been so busy lately! Swimming lessons, spinning class, gym time, doctor appointments, and my parents are coming up this weekend, so my house has to be spotless before they get here friday! GRRR!!! So stressful!!! My mom and I almost never get along, and I get so stressed when they come up here, due to potential fights, and the overwhelming need to perform perfectly for her. To pretend I am someone I am not, because if she saw the real me, she wouldn't know how to handle it!

I think that is enough for now.

AnaNae

Journal entry as promised:

I was at the dr.s office, and she asked me at one point, what it felt like when I thought about not being good enough for anyone. I said that it hurt... She told me to take that hurt, and visualize it... What does it look like? My answer: A scared little girl sitting in the corner of the room She asked me who was there, and a lot of people were. Here is my journal entry trying to make sense of all of that... To work thru that image.



* names have been altered, and {} will be used if I need to add something that is not in the journal.


"
I want to try to tackle the "picture of 'hurt'"... THe scared girl in the corner of the room:

We all know who it is, but it may be helpful to describe her?: She is about 2-4 years old. Straight blonde hair, whispy and unkempt. Her face it downcast, her eyes full of tears; unblinking. Her brow is furrowed ina slight frown. Her cheeks are a little sunken in due to malnutrition. Her teeth are clenched under lips that are trying not to tremble: trying so hard to be strong. Her almost skeletal frame is curled up tightly. She is clutching her bent legs as closely to her chest as she can. Trying desperately to hold it all together. it is not quite working. Her feet along with the rest of her body are filthy as if she had been walking barefoot and had not bathed in weeks. She almost looks tired along with the obvious sadness, and a little more subtle; fear.

She is surrounded at a distance by many people - It looks as if she is trying to get as far away from them as she can, if not disappear completely... Jennifer* {my biological mother} is there, big as ever, cigarette and a beer bottle in one hand, pool stick in the other. Harry* {the man who sexually abused me as a small child} is there, clothed, but with his hands on the top button of his pants as if to undo them. The hispanic {no I am not racist, this is just the only thing I remember about them other than what they did to me: beat me with highheels and flipflops, and shoved ice down my tights and then tried to get me to have sex with their 3 or 4 year old brother} are there, holding highheels and ice. Maria* {my aunt who took care of me as a child while all this was going on} is there, her back turned to the girl. Grandma is there, standing behind Jennifer* with her hands on her shoulders-protecting, defending, and approving her. My mom {adoptive} is there, shaking her finger and scowling at the girl. My dad is there too, standing behind my mom and looking like he wants to reach out to her but can't/doesn't know how, and {as always} he is too busy to be able to... Mary* {the dorm mother at the girls home I was in} is there, holding a big wooden paddle like she is ready to strike the girl at any chance or minor provocation. Papa/John* [the director of the girls home} is there too, holding a Bible, also looking like he wants to hit her with the Bible. Hubby is there. He is the closest to her. He tries to reach out to her, but she doesn't more or act like she notices, but he keeps getting distracted by other people in the room. There is a sea of faces behind all these people, farthest from the girl. All with looks of disapproval and disgust. Faces that pop out are Jim and Alice* my pastor from ages 8-15. James Hood*, the pastor of the church where I had accepted Christ, Stephanie Jones* not really sure why... (probably represents people from {the church I grew up in}) and All the people we called "friends" from our former church.

Next, I picture 3 girls about this girls' age that ignore everyone else in the room and walk straight over to the girl. The one reaches out a hand and pulls the first girls' arms loose from her legs and the two girls simultaneously wrap their arms around this girl hugging her tight. The girl breaks down into sobs clutching the girls as tightly an she had been her legs. Next, Hubby joins these three, wrapping his arms around them; soothing, protecting, loving...

A woman {I originally pictured my psychiatrist when I wrote this, but as it progressed, the woman changed...} comes over finally, and drops to her knees in front of this small gathering. She takes the girls' chin in her hand and lifts it until the girl looks at her. The woman smiles, and takes her hand, helping her into a standing position- Takes her jacket and wraps it around the girls' previousl unclothed body. There is nothing but love and sympathy in this womans face, and suddenly everyone else disappears... The woman bathes the little girl, gices her brand new clothes to wear, feeds her a full meal and then hugs her tightly and tells her she is loved, until thel little girl disappears completely and her fully grown self- the woman {me, but different, maybe older, more mature somehow} is the only one standing in the room. She looks so happy, yet there are tears in her eyes. She reaches out, and where her hand is, Hubby's hand followed by the rest of his body reappears, followed by H and J {my baby girls} the two little girls that loved me despite everything and everyone else. As a family, we turn together, and a door appears on one side of us and another on the other. In front of us, a line is forming: All of the people in the room: First in line, my mom and dad - they come over and stand benind my family. Next, Mary*- she goes thru the left door which is for people I am leaving behind. John* also sees the left door. Grandma gets the right door, because I believe we can make it all right again... Jennifer* = right, Maria* = left, Harry* = left, babysitters = left, Jim and Alice* = left, James Hood, = left, Firends from the different churches = split evenly between the doors. In the end, it is just my family, my parents, hubby's parents standing in the room, my mom and dad finally standing behind me as the woman I have become. (His would have been there the whole time, but they never really knew the little girl. ) I am loved as I am, and the "hurt" is gone... Finally, I feel free. Finally, my world is right side up. Finally I am only and all myself- as I want to be. I am happy, and I am content to just be happy!

If only it were that simple:
"


There you have it... Lots to ponder, lots to work thru. Hubby thinks that one of the reasons I comfort with food is because when I was little, My mother almost never fed me, so I associate the feeling of hunger with all the rest of the negative crap that happened to me when I was little... It makes sense... It also explains why I have a hard time accepting the feeling of hunger as a good thing now... I have tried. I want to want to be hungry... I would love your feedback and comments on this blog... This really is a glimpse into the depths of my soul, kinda putting it all out there... One thing I discovered is that I am the only one that can help the "little girl..." Only I can make it better for her... And my pshychologist is going to teach me how, but I have to do it.

Stay strong ladies.

Oh, and on a side note, Friend is here! It is going well... I like holding and kissing him! The rest is more for his benefit than my own... My hubby takes care of me quite well, but I am enjoying the feel of his hands on me and his lips on mine! He makes me feel small and beautiful. I like it!

Not posting my wt... Still well over 200, but working diligently at working out and attempting to gather control over the food... So hard!

AnaNae

Back on track... At least for this week...

This week, I am back ladies... <1000 cals everyday, laxies and water pills every meal, and diet pills for energy instead of calories... I am also doing a spinning class 3x a week...

I really think that the doctor will be able to help me! Already I am feeling better about myself, and allowing good things to happen! :) Discovering that I am worth the time, effort and sacrifice it will take for me to be happy! :) Later today when I have more time, i will write out lastnights journal entry... I really think it may be helpful long-term! :)

Learning to love myself: Who knew it would be this hard?

Shit...

Pretty sure I fucked up majorly... I stayed up late talking to friend last night, and hubby got mad at me... He came down at one point and started reading the conversation (yahoo messenger) and I asked him to go away... He had made me feel stupid for something I had written, and I didn't want him to do that again... I guess he was trying to get me to do something with him, which he didn't make clear at all, and when I got done with friend, I went upstairs and my bedroom door was locked... I finally bugged him enough that he let me in, but he was pretty pissed... i think it is moreso that he got turned down by someone else last night and was taking it out on me...

He says I am looking better tho, so that is good...

Update

I guess life has been good lately. I have a date set with friend... the 17th of September... I also think I have a chance of finding someone for hubby so he is not lonely... I have lost about 3 pounds since talking to him, and I am about to start losing even more... I am joining a spinning class 3 times a week, and going to the gym an additional 2 days on top of that... I am also curbing my eating habits a bit more... Counceling should help me be able to keep off what I lose... Life is looking up... More later... I am making lunch for the babies and me...

Scared out of my mind!

So here in about a half hour, I am going to see the psychiatrist for the first time... I am terrified out of my mind! You have no idea! I am considering having my husband drive me there, because I am afraid. I know I can do this, but it doesn't make it less scary. Not knowing what to expect...

Things with Friend are still going very well! Hubby and I are better now. Life is looking up! Hopefully the psychiatrist will help me keep them going in the general upward direction...

I am really not in the mood to write today, which is why this is all craptastic, but I swear, an awesome blog is coming soon... :)

AnaNae

Pissed

Yeah, that's pretty much it...

PG 17... Skip if you don't want to hear about my love life...

So, I don't know what it is about this thing with "Friend" but I have not felt this good in years!!! It is probably because he thinks I am beautiful as I am... I sent him a few pictures of myself, and he says they were the hottest thing he had ever seen... He makes me feel amazing! He wants to be with me and doesn't care if I am overweight or not! I have still lost 3 pounds since he and I started talking... I have worn makeup the last 2 days, and I actually tweezed my eyebrows, whitened my teeth, and put my retainers back in... I did a yoga video last night, and I feel happy... I won't actually see him for at least another month, but he still makes me want to be better! I told hubby about our conversations as of late... I actually told him that Friend gives me something that he can't right now, and so I gave him permission to sleep with anyone he wanted because they can give him something he is missing out on in our relationship: Visual Stimulation... He has someone at work he is interested in, and I keep telling him he should ask her to lunch... He is kinda chicken tho... I don't know why.

Hubby and I will always be best friends, and we will always love eachother, but we can't fulfill eachother's every desire right now... I just accept that and find what I am missing elsewhere! I know a lot of people don't or can't understand how this works, but it does for us... I care a lot about friend, and might actually love him in a way, but it doesn't change my feelings for Hubby. It makes me love him more, I think...

I can't wait to see Friend again!!! And it feels good that he can't wait to see me either! Enough for now tho!

My thoughts... PG 17

What is on my mind? A WHOLE FREAKING LOT! I am seeking psychological help for my eating disorder. I have determined that I cannot conquer this on my own. I can't keep hurting myself with food, or I will get to the point I can't get better without drastic measures. I think my self hatred comes from something in my past, but I don't know what, and I can't fix it until I know what it is I need to fix. Eating isn't my problem... It is the symptom...

I told hubby last night that he is my trigger... The way he looks at me sometimes makes me want to eat until I can't breathe anymore. The look of disgust I see in his eyes even when he tries to hide it. I also told him that is why I have been pushing him away lately. we haven't slept together in over a week, in any sense of the words... I have been sleeping in the basement. He just makes me feel worse about myself. Poor hubby... He tries so hard to help, and in doing so, he makes me hate him...

I had an amazing conversation with his best friend last night... My heart is still skipping from that... :) I said I was nervous about sending him a picture of myself almost sleeping with a little smile on my face, cause I didn't know what he would think, and he said and I quote, "if it's of you, I'll like it" My heart did backflips, so I sent it, and he said it was very nice, and that it was a good look for me... I told him that when I took that picture I was thinking about laying on his chest listening to his heart beat, while he held me and kissed the top of my head, and that I couldn't wait to see for myself how soft his lips are. He says he can't wait either. :) I guess I am going to have to show Hubby that conversation, but I don't want to... I want it to be private between Friend and me... But we vowed when we opened our marriage that we would be HONEST no matter what.

He just came home for lunch, and I showed him the texts... He asked me if he had to be worried he'd come home to an empty house and papers... I told him no... Trust me tho, the empty house thing has definately crossed my mind. I'dve been gone already if we didn't have kids!

I just read the first book in the Twilight series for the first time... i know, I am way behind... NO SPOILERS ON THE REST!!!

I have gained probably 5 pounds since I last posted my weight... I have been mad at hubby and taking it out on my body, cause I know it makes him mad... but maybe counseling will help with that... IDk... We'll see.

I saw a documentary on the 8 year old annorexic... It is insane to me that she at 8 years old would rather die of starvation that get fat like the contestants of the Biggest Loser... I hope she is better now... If you ever can get better from an ED... I just worry she is going to get pushed to the other extreme... Where she gets so used to eating all her food, that she gains too much weight...

Musings of a sad soul.

I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish there was something that helped... Even for just a day. Instead, I am breaking at the seams. My happy resolve is disintegrating in my hands, and I am powerless to stop it. My addiction is ripping my heart into tiny little peices and scattering it into the wind. I feel like my body is a shell that I cannot shed... A plague that I cannot fight... A battle I cannot win. Why can't I love myself. On the surface, that answer is that I am disgustingly fat. But I am fat because I hate myself. I am fat because I destruct using food. I am sabotaging myself with food, because for some reason, I can't physically or mentally LET myself succeed at everything at one time. It is like I cannot let myself be happy or content, because... I don't know why... If I knew, I would never have needed to write this in the first place. The cutting doesn't help... It doesn't hurt enough. It doesn't hurt like being fat does. Why am I hurting in the first place. WHAT is it that I can't get past? I am hoping that SOMEDAY SOMEONE will help me. I need to know why I can't love myself. I need to know why I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I need to know why it hurts so bad... But NO ONE has the answers. Least of all, me... On the outside looking in, I should literally be the happiest person in the whole earth. I have everything I have ever wanted out of life except that I am, lets be honest here, 70 pounds overweight. 70 fucking pounds... It is disgusting. It is repulsing. It makes me want to vomit with the insurmountable burden it is on my body, my bones, my muscles, but most of all, my soul... The very fiber of my being is being crushed under a 70 pound weight that has paralized me in perpetual self-destruction. I tell myself, that if I was skinny, I would be happy. I would literally have EVERYTHING! Why then, can't I let that happen? Why can't I let go of the pain? Why can't I love me? God, it hurts SO bad... Sometimes, I don't think I can carry this pain any longer... I just want to go back and start over... I want to tell my 14 year old self that that Guy didn't love me... He just wanted my body. Plus he is balding at 30 now... I want to tell my 15 year old self that I am strong enough to get thru life without the girls home... That my parents and I could have gotten thru it. That I was going to miss out on so much by leaving... Tell my 17 year old self that pleasing other people is impossible to do, but rather to focus on being the kind of person I WANTED! Tell my 18 year old self that this man is my soul-mate, and I will be with him forever, and don't worry about what my mom thinks... MARRY HIM!!! Don't wait... My 19 year old self- You are beautiful, and You are only 30 pounds away from your goal! You have already lost 25... You are halfway there! You are strong, and when you set your mind to something, you can accomplish it.... My 21 year old self- The pain of this miscarriage will pass. Your child is in Heaven, and he is looking down on you right now... 22-23 This baby will be SUCH a blessing... Yeah, it is going to be hard to have 2 girls so close in age, but they will be best friends, and you are going to love them both more than you ever thought it was possible to love another human being... And now... What would I tell myself... This too shall pass... The pain of this moment is as fleeting as the moment itself. You are strong. You are knowledgeable, you are capable, and you will beat this. You are better than this... Look at what you have come thru and you can still get out of bed in the morning and take care of your children like your mother never did. You can keep them safe. You can show them love and dedication that your mother was never capable of showing. You are a wonderful mother. You are GOOD ENOUGH for them, And you deserve to be happy...

Why doesn't it mean anything to me... They are just words... They don't help. I can always find the negative. It is always there haunting me like a battle scar... Still the words: "You are FAT and until you are no LONGER fat, you will never be good enough for anyone especially your children and your husband who are your whole world..." never seem to leave my mind. I literally have not gone a day in the last year and a half that those words or something similar has not at least crossed my mind.

It is a disease... this whatever it is... Scar; pain; depression; hatred... It is killing me. From the inside out, it is destroying me. Everything I am and have ever wanted to be is affected or better yet, infected by it...

Please, someone make it go away! Please? I'm begging you, please...

Thank GOD that is over!

His parents left yesterday. I am so glad! His mom is the best ever, but his dad drives me NUTS! for instance, we are potty training and the first thing he said to me when I got up one day is "Hey, if I got a covered trashcan for your deck, would you use it to put diapers in? Your house reeks..." I wanted to say GOOD morning to you too ass hole! I slept fine, thanks for asking...

Just as expected, wt loss was non-existant this week... I am going to be SO glad when I can get into a routine again. Hubby and I talked about it, and he says I need to find a counselor to deal with my self destructive behaviors... I self destruct with food, or cigarrettes, or alcohol or a razor blade, and until I figure out how NOT to self-destruct, I can't ever get better.... It will be one thing or another until I fix the problem whatever that is...

We are so much better now... Seriously... I think I finally gave him an answer on how he can help me that is acceptable... I told him, I need a cheerleader... Someone who still cheers me on when I am down by 50 pts, or up by 50lbs... That chances are if there is a problem that he noticed, I have been beating myself down for the same exact thing for however long it had been a problem, and I really don't need more negativity.

I haven't weighed in days... And after this weekend, I don't think I will want to know... We have family here that want to eat out for every meal, and actually complain if we want to cook... Weird... I have still been going to the gym, and LOVING it!!! I am SO SORE from Wednesday tho... I did weight training for the first time. My arms, and my back are really sore.

I will be able to get back to reading your lovely blogs very soon! I know I have not been commenting on them... SORRY!

AnaNae

This has NOT been a good day!

SO, I think I hate my husband... Like, not kidding... I can't stand him! And it has been like this for months... He makes me feel like a worthless peice of shit... Like there is nothing I can do to ever be good enough for or attractive to him... Like I disgust him with everything I do... He ONLY sees the negative... He doesn't even try to find the positives in me... I always thought that was just me and my low self-esteem talking, but I truly think he is disgusted and repulsed by me... I think we hate eachother...

Take the last 2 weeks for example... I have been working out 3-5 days a week. I haven't lost weight, but I personally can tell a big difference in how my clothes fit, the size of my stomach, and legs... My face looks a lot different too... ALL he sees is the fact I have been eating too much sweets... I made a birthday cake for baby, and about half of it is gone... I ate probably a third of it since Monday... Yeah, that is a lot of cake, but considering that has been my meals, I don't think is the end of the world. It isn't like I am eating a ton of food and THEN having cake... I am choosing to make a 200 cal peice of cake into a meal... Big freaking whoop! But I asked him tonight if I looked like I weigh 209, because I don't think that I do, and he says "yeah. and I think 'spongebob' *the cake* has something to do with that" I just wanted to kick him in the nuts SO BAD!!! He can't look past the bad... Seriously, I want to go punch him in the face right now, I am so hurt and angry... NO WONDER I HATE MYSELF!!! I am seriously considering moving some stuff into my neighbour's house and "living"/sleeping there, so I don't have to keep sleeping on the couch because I have NO desire to be anywhere near him right now...

If his parents weren't going to be here tomorrow, I probably would do it tonight... But I have to play nice for the next week. I hate that I am going to have to sleep in the same bed as him tomorrow night!

I really don't know when this happened... We used to be happy together... He made me feel special and beautiful, and loved... Now, it feels like he wants nothing more than to get rid of me, but he can't...

We will get thru this... We will be fine... We just need to have some time together to talk. I need to tell him how I feel, and have him tell me he loves me no matter what...

Maybe I just have too high of expectations of him... I don't know...

I just want my friend back!

Hangovers are a Bitch! (Lots of potty words...)

but... I was 207.8 this morning AFTER getting shitfaced last night... all the pills I am taking are finally starting to kick in, I guess... Has anyone else found that the more a man drinks, the less attractive he gets? I had this guy hitting on me last night. No wedding ring, so I thought maybe it could go somewhere... He's sitting there, talking to me and then his wife calls... Shit... SO, when he gets back from the phone, he is talking about how he and his wife are honest, and she knows he gets hit on by women, and she is fine with it, so again, I thought... Maybe... But I had to ask if he would tell her if we kissed... He said no... Damn-it! I am NOT about to be "the other woman" I am NOT going to break up a marriage to feel good about myself for one night... BUT the guy works at that bar, and I will end up seeing him again... DAMN IT ALL! I could have used the confidence boost of even just making out... But, he did tell me that he was attracted to me, and if I hadn't asked about his wife, he would have done something with me... DAMN MORALS!!! Gotta go hubby is up...

asdfj;akjdf;lkj

God damn Jamoca shakes... God damn sick HUSBANDS! DAMN it all!!! Going out tonight...

*picture: sad face*

Kids woke up SUPER early.
I lost a follower..
And I gained a pound...

"This is shaping up to be a GREAT day," she says; laced with sarcasm.

Good news: I have babyfree time with the hubby tonight.
Bad news: I am a fat cow...

SO much for being under 200 by August 1... I really don't know why I ever thought that was possible with me... See, that is why I don't set goals... Even reasonable ones: I sabotage myself into not reaching them... Why? God, I wish I knew... Then I wouldn't be fat! Maybe I should have a goal to be over a certain weight by hubby's birthday... No, I would reach that one, because gaining is easy for me. Unfortunately reverse psychology doesn't actually work... *Sigh*

I wish I had someone to talk to that could talk back... That I didn't care about impressing, so I could share all my dark secrets...

I have a LOT to do today, and I only have til 2 to do it... That is when the sitter is getting here.

Kids are fussing and crying already... OH JOY! Gotta go.

AnaNae

I got to sleep in this morning. That was really nice. Especially since the little one woke up at midnight screaming her little head off, like she was dying... Scared the crap out of me. But she was fine. Just seemed scared or something. Her eyes were huge, and she took everytime she closed her eyes, she started crying again. I held her for about an hour just talking to her, and smoothing her hair. Then she layed down perfectly.

I was 207 this morning... That felt good. I was expecting 208. :) I see a HUGE difference in my body tho. This morning is the first day I am not too swollen to see it. I still may get some water pills tho... My ankles hurt from all the excess water... I think my husband made me sick again... GRRRR! My throat hurts this morning. He goes to see a doctor next month to see about getting his tonsils out. That should be fun, but totally worth it if it means he isn't sick all the time anymore...

Cereal so far today. I am going to try to not eat a whole lot.... We will see how that goes. I ended up staying home last night, and I can't go out tonight, since tomorrow is hubby's test. :( Oh well.

More later,

Stay strong!

AnaNae

I just got back from the gym... I did 5 min warm up, 5 min Power walk, 4 min jog, 5 min power walk, 15 min eliptical, and 10 minute cooldown... 44 min total. I should feel good, right? Why then, do I feel like a complete loser? My legs hurt really bad, I am exhausted, I was sweating like a pig... I got a good workout in. I think it is because I am hungry, and I am not eating anymore tonight... That, and I have needed to talk with someone for a LONG time about my feelings lately, and I have no one accessible to talk to... I may go out and drink tonight... Or even more pathetic, stay home and drink alone... I cut for the first time in YEARS the other day... It felt good in that sick in the head kind of way... I for some reason feel the need to self-destruct in some way at all times, so maybe if I do that instead, I can be skinny again... Don't worry my lovely friends, I don't do it on veins or anything. I am not suicidal... I just like the physical pain sometimes. It is not for attention either... You are the only people who know about it, and it is well hidden under a bracelet I never take off. And if someone does see it, I can pass it off as I must have scratched myself on something... Which is technically true... It just happens to be a razor blade and intentional. My husband knows something is wrong... He thinks I am mad at him... I am not, and it makes me mad at him that he thinks this is even about him at all! So, I guess I am mad at him, but I wasn't... I am just so FUCKING tired of hating myself... I am tired of the LOOKS I get at the gym... like I don't belong... I hate that i can't go and run the whole time... I have to powerwalk most of my workout... I hate it all!!! I HATE my reflection... IT is that STUPID bra I found the other day... The fact that I used to be that small, and I ruined it drives me CRAZY!

I am working on it, and that is what counts, right?

AnaNae

Ed, meet Ana.

Already this morning, I am off to a bad start... Cereal for breakfast, and Peanut butter and jelly for lunch... I wish I had the self control to not eat. The sandwich was down before I realized that I didn't actually want it... That right there is the joy of My friend Ed... He rules my life with food and I am powerless to it... Ed, we have to break up...This isn't working for me anymore. You make me hate myself. You make me insecure. Plus, I have met someone new... Her name is Ana. She is going to help me feel good about myself again. She is going to help me undo the damage you have done. Good bye Ed... I hope I never see you again! I am going to get better... I am going to lose weight. I am going to be happy!!! I will be Victorious! I have the Powaa!

When life gives you a treadmil-RUN YOUR A** OFF!

Today's workout was a little slice of heaven! Seriously! I am so freaking proud of myself! I RAN! I actually RAN!!! 4 whole minutes! I did a 5 min warm-up, 11 min of fast walking, 4 minute jog/run at 5mph, 20 min on the eliptical, 10 min medium paced walk, and 5 min cooldown. OMG! It felt so nice to sweat! Not even kidding! I could totally get addicted to that feeling... I feel so good right now! Emotionally, today has been SO much better! Eating wise, I did ok, I guess. Not great, but ok... Better than last week. Lady friend should be gone by tomorrow's weigh in. Swelling should be gone by the end of the week.

So, I made 2 really cool paintings today: Probably part of why it has been such a good day! Painting makes me happy! One of them won't show up well in a picture, but the other should be good. The one that won't be a good picture is a series of 3 paintings for my neighbour's new appartment. He said he was going to pay me if he likes them... Hopefully he likes them... If not, I am SO keeping them! I LOVE them! The other was just a little something that I am currently using as my mousepad... It says AMBITION- to seek earnestly. That was the wikipedia definition, which I liked a lot better than webster's def.

Let's see, what else is on my mind... My inlaws will be here next week. Monday is my oldest daughter's 2nd birthday! I cannot believe she is 2 already!!! Crazy part about her birthday, is that She was born August 2, 2008, and August 2, 2007, I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I was 12 weeks along, but the baby had only developed to 5 weeks. He had been dead for a while... No, I couldn't tell it was a boy, I just think it was... I don't know why. I was so sad then, but Baby1's birthday made that day all better for me!

My husband will be 30 the end of next week, and I have absolutely NOTHING for him! I don't even know what to get him! He is a gamer, really smart, and likes history... I know he sounds like a loser/geek, but he really isn't. He is very handsome, and not just by my standards. He is also a really good person. Any Ideas? I think maybe just getting away for a night to ourselves without kids would be fun...

Another random thought:
Alli's side effects have not kicked in yet. Maybe it takes a day... I really should finish reading all the material that came with it. Maybe when I am done here, I can do that. Watch, it is gonna kick in right as I am wanting to go to sleep tonight... I will probably be up late again tonight... I still want to read all y'all's blogs. :) I was supposed to go next door and drink and talk with my neighbour tonight, but I wanted to work on the paintings. Any of you who are artists know that when you are inspired, you kinda just want to go with it... You do your best work when you are in the mood!

I am starting to get tired, so I better cut this short. But I wanted to brag about actually being able to run- which is something seriously, I have not even tried since probably 2004 until recently that is... I haven't ran for longer than a minute or two since 2001 when I was in highschool softball.

Love you all, and thanks for the support!

AnaNae

My Alli

So, I just started taking alli today. It is FDA approved to help block the fat from what you eat. And if you eat a bunch of fatty stuff, it makes you poo like crazy. You are supposed to be able to lose up to 50% more weight than with diet and exercise alone. Maybe that will be the kick in the ass I have needed all this time. I am still planning on going to the gym 4-5 times a week for about an hour. And with the alli, you are supposed to eat low fat and low cal stuff so that you don't have the sideeffects of crapping yourself all the time... Consequences for eating like crap... That should help.

I am feeling a little better this morning. Maybe just because I am being proactive. I don't know. The kids were really good yesterday, and so far today... THat helps a LOT. My "lady week" is almost over, so that also helps.

I was 210.something with sweat pants and a t shirt on this morning. Expected... I have eaten like crap the past week, and I am still a little swollen from LW. Once I go to the gym tonight, and eat good, and take my "magic pills" I should be feeling better.

I am being summoned to read a book right now, so more later.

AnaNae

Bandaids

The self-hatred is so strong right now. I can't even express in words how much it is bringing me down right now! I hate it! I fucking hate it! I want to die... I want to give up. I don't want to deal with being fat anymore. I can't stand under the pressure anymore. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want it all to go away. I want to love my body again... I want to feel sexy. I want to live my life the way I want to without being worried about how I am being viewed... Someone PLEASE make the pain go away... please?! I can't take it anymore! I can't do this on my own! I can't fix this! I can't make it better. I can put a bandaid on it.... I can go to the gym, work my ass off, and then I end up coming home and eating a shit load of food again! I need help. I hate it SO much! I found a bra from when my husband and I first met... 34 B. I wear a fucking 38 C now... I have gone up 4 inches around my ribs and upper back in 6 years. I used to wear a 42 D... SO I guess that's progress, right? GOD! I fucking hate this! I feel like a prisoner in my body. I feel like I have no control over my own actions... I can't handle the pain anymore! If it weren't for those 2 kids upstairs, I wouldn't even try anymore. Hubby deserves better. But I am a damn good mom, and I don't trust anyone else with my kids. At least I can do something right. I have not completely turned into my mother... The same mother who allowed a man to sexually abuse me, and stayed with him after I told her, and even after he went to prison for it... Only when he was done with her did she leave. Pathetic. No, I am nothing like her.

I need to get my head back on straight and stick with the decisions I make. Tomorrow... GOd there's my problem... But hubby is home tonight, and we may go out. After I go to the gym and workout til I puke...

AWall

It has been a rough couple days with the kids... I think the little one is teething... She has been screaming bloody murder all day for the past 3. Which means, I have not had free time. Which means no blogging. Which means, I am an emotional wreck!

I have not hated myself this much in a long time... Seriously, I wish I could just die and start over... I am so tired of being fat, I am so tired of looking worse the smaller I get due to the extra skin. I am tired of my husband not touching me anymore! I miss the days when he would just run his hands over my body just because he wanted to... Now he barely touches me, and that is only when he wants more... I am a woman, I need to feel loved, appreciated and wanted. I do feel loved, but I don't feel like he appreciates me, and I sure don't feel wanted... I feel like he is stuck with me, and if he could, he would leave, but we have kids and we are married, so he won't.

I am tired of being out of control... I hate that. I eat before I even think about what I am doing... WHY?!!! I gotta go now, bed time for kids.

Leave comments, and stay strong...

Short and Sweet.

I think I may need counseling... I self-destruct with food... I can't stop.

Random stuff off my computer

Friday, July 2, 2010
Saints and Sinners

"Forget about guns and forget ammunition, 'cause I'm killin' 'em all with my own little mission, no I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner, but everything's cool long as I'm getting thinner..."
-- "The Fear" by Lily Allen


Ed Religion Worship
Welcome everyone to the worship page, this is for the worship of the ED gods. There are two goddess, Goddess Ana and Goddess Mia.

C ommandments: A doctrine that is tought, it is the teachings of religion.
Ana Commandments -++++++


1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, style your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.

Creed: Is a system of beliefs, that a religious group generally accept.

Ana Creed

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in
C
*********************************


"The question is not who is going to let me. The question is who is going to stop me." --Ayn Rand

01 822 201.85
02 807 199.14
03 792 196.42
04 778 193.7
05 763 190.99
06 748 188.27
07 733 185.55
08 718 182.84
09 703 180.12
10 688 177.41
11 673 174.69
12 659 171.97
13 644 169.26
14 629 166.54
15 614 163.82
16 599 161.11
17 584 158.39
18 569 155.67
19 554 152.96
20 540 150.24
21 525 147.52
22 510 144.81
23 495 142.09
24 480 139.37
25 465 136.66

5. When you get a craving, count to 100 really slowly, and it might pass. Dr.s say that counting changes the minds direction in thought.
7. Do 50 sit ups every morning ~ it will raise your metabolism and makes your stomach and chest look better not to mention your arms.
83. Never eat in secret. This is the worst habit to get into
93.Moisturise. Always keep your skin moisturised. There is no reason for your skin to look saggy. Start now and those saggy skin folds will tighten up
101. Lemon. Cut a fresh lemon and smell it. This helps with appetite control. Also Orange...
108.. Ride out the hour. When you start to get hungry, just tell yourself that you’ll wait until the end of the hour to eat anything. That way you’ll have time to think about whether or not you really
want those calories, and you’ll also feel really powerful since you’ve proved to yourself that you can go for that time without food.
120. The French's Trick... Take 3 bites of everything on your plate and that is it... taste it all savor those bites and finish.
125.Eat melons.... not only are they yummy but because they are an alkaline food they prevent you from getting sick and settle the stomach first thing in the morning better for
you actually than the grapefruit which is an acidic food!
126. Eat a fruit for breakfast and nothing else... this is what the fit for life diet plan is based on. I do this anyway, but in case you didn't know it.. fruit in the morning makes the digestive system pick
up speed... also exercise before you eat breakfast.. this also burns more calories.... calories in burn them out!
-

Hello Mia

Mia visited me last night after I ate a totino's pizza, 2 bowls of cereal, and a package of 6 cheese cracker sandwich thingies...

Pretty sure I got all but the pizza...


I broke down at my WW meeting. I was 208.0. Asked the group how to get past the mental part of it... Physically, I can go without food. I have proven that. Physically, I can work out, and burn calories. I have proven that. And when i do both, I lose weight. I physically can drop pounds like NOTHING, so I have determined that it isn't a physical thing.

Why does my mind FIGHT this so bad? What is wrong with me that I can't do what I need to do, and am physically capable of doing to make this problem go away? I want the problem to go away. I want to feel better about myself, I want to like the way I look, so what is the hold up?

GRRRRR!

Ok, this is just funny!

Ana Psalm


Strict is my diet.
I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past the confectioners.
It trieth my willpower.
It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids, my day's quota runneth over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the fear of the scales forever.


I got this from "The diary of AfricAnaMia" I thought it was hilarious and had to share!

Weigh in tonight!

Ok, folks... :) I am not allowed to eat or drink anything with calories today... I have my weight watchers weigh in tonight. I was 208.8 this morning. Which means 206ish on their scales. Progress, but not what I was hoping for... And I can't drink anything from 3-7 when my meeting is...

I am really sore from the gym last night... I was not sore at all the first day, but my GOD, I can hardly move this morning... I really hope the kinks get worked out before tonight.

Is it better to work out before you weigh in, or after? And how much fiber is acceptable for a day?

I ate like a pig for dinner last night! Probably 800 cals in one meal! But: today is going to be a good day! Especially since I can tell myself, that I can eat tomorrow...


I think my new plan is breaking up my days that I am allowed to eat:

SUN- 0 Cal
MON- Liquid
TUE- Eat but Restrict- under 1000
WED- O Cal
THU- Eat normal- 1200-1500 (Remember, I weigh a LOT)
FRI- Liquid
SAT- Eat Whatever within reason... (I still need one of those for now... When I get more control, I will restrict on that day too)


I have been trying to figure out something that I can maintain for more than just a week, and I think maybe this could work for me... Reason being, the longest I have to go without food is 2 days, and that is after having a day that I could binge if I wanted.

I feel kinda bad about not sticking to the plans I said before, but I knew after trying them, that I wouldn't be able to physically or mentally stick to them, and rather than feel like a failure for setting un-reasonable goals, I will modify into something that could work for a long time... I am still going to my weight watchers meetings, and I am going to start counting the points of the foods I am eating as well as the drinks on my liquid days. I need to start writing stuff down again! To keep myself accountable.

Emotionally, I am doing ok... I am tired all the time, but that is nothing new... I have perpetually been tired for the last 5 years... I don't sleep well, and when I do, it is never long enough...

I painted again yesterday... I can post a picture:




I am actually really proud of this! It turned out better than I had hoped... I may acutally be an artist afterall! lol! I have never actually considered myself a real artist, but this turned out pretty darn good.

My next project is a daisy for our master bathroom, and then finishing 'order' of the chaos and order pictures... or vice-versa. I don't know which will come first...

Anywho...

I think that's enough for now. :) Today will be amazing when I don't eat all day, lose an additional 5 pounds of water weight and I am under 205 for my weigh in... Altho, I think my ww leader would know how I lost the weight so fast... Oh well. I don't care what she thinks...

AnaNae

5 Ritz crackers.

GRRR... So, yet again, lets re-evaluate... Eat every other day? I am good at going one day now...

Yeah, lets try that, then graduate to the other diet...

SO FREAKING HUNGRY!

Damn-it! I am so hungry today... I am fighting a binge... This SUCKS! Probably doesn't help that the kids are watching Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs... The mayor on that is major THINSPO, even tho he is animated! Eat, and GET FAT! I probably have not drank enough today. Gotta work on that. Yeah, that should help...

SO, the painting I was talking about. Here it is:




Tell me what you think. :) youngest is losing her mind, so i gotta get off of here. There may be more later if I have time. :)

AnaNae

I'm BACK!

So, today went well. :) I did really good on the liquid only - aside from a small peice of the kids' chicken tender thing, probably an inch by 3/4 inch. I feel really good about it!

The gym was awesome!!! On the treadmill, I did 10 minutes at a moderate walk, 5 minutes at a fast walk, 2 minutes jogging, and 3 minutes back to a fast walk. Then, I did 20 minutes on the eliptical, with the resistance at 10, and the incline way up, some interval work there too. Then a 8 minute cool down back on the treadmill. Then stretched, and did some ab work. :) I was there working out for about an hour! I kicked my own butt! I pushed myself hard, and I feel amazing!!!

Emotionally, I was better today. I don't know what the difference is... Maybe the self-control... I think so! I painted today... I will post a picture of it. It is pretty cool. I call it Beauty in Chaos, or something else corny like that... :)

I was a little stressed at the stupid idiot woman at the BMV today, who made me make 2 trips and almost 3 for NO reason! Oh well...

I would write more, but I think I will actually be able to sleep tonight, and I have a long day tomorrow too! :)

To my followers: Thank you for following me and leaving comments! I LOVE THAT! It really is motivating to get positive re-inforcement. If you have anyone who you think will enjoy my blog, send them my way, and if there are any that you really enjoy, tell me about them! Thanks! Stay sweet and stay strong!

AnaNae

Today will be awesome, k? k!

Yesterday turned into a freaking disaster! I "used" again. Drug of choice: Patty melt, fries, and a turtle nut shake from Steak and Shake... God damn-it! I am starting over today tho. 2 days of liquid fasting, and then a day of I will call it 0cal fasting. Then a day of fruit and veggies, then count cals and restrict for 2 days. I may give myself a day where I can eat crap, just limit it to one time that day, and only if I behave the rest of the day. I am not ready to quit cold-turkey... I have realized that I am not there yet. As is evidenced by the last 2 days. But I have to start somewhere, right?

I am somewhat proud of the progress made tho. 4/7 days this past week without food. I think that is pretty good.

209.2 this am... I am really swollen today. I may have to get some potassium pills, or water pills... This is rediculous! My ankles have felt like sausages for over a week now! Considering last week, I am pretty sure I started out at 215, I feel pretty good about 209. Still disgusting, but better.

My hubby said that I could go join the community gym... So, my neighbour is going to take me and show me how to work out. I am excited! That should speed this along a bit... :) Neighbour R is in really good shape, and works out all the time, so he should really be able to help me!

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately... Is that normal... Not hungry, really, just awake. Thoughts in my mind that I can't control. I have also had more vivid nightmares... One night, I dreamed I watched my daughter fall out of a window and die. I was right there, and I still couldn't help her... FREAKY! I woke up sweating and crying and woke Hubby up to hold me... Is it normal to have bad dreams too?

I have a lot to do today, and so I better end this for now. But I am excited to be starting a new week.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Weird

So, my weight was up to 211.0 this am, but the weird part is that my stomach feels much smaller. Also, my pants fell completely off when I was coming down the stairs this morning. So today is going to be MOSTLY liquid, with a little bit of solids. Then tomorrow starts the liquid only thing again for 3 days. See how low I can make my weigh in on Wednesday. I am shooting for 205. And hopefully under 200 by the end of the month! But it sounds like my husband is done mowing, so I better cut this short.

Happiness, except for the whole NOT part...

I know that normally, people on here are tortured souls, fighting to be accepted for who they truly are, and most of the time, that is true of myself as well, but I was just looking thru pictures of my babies from when they were actually babies, not toddlers... I can't even express how happy they make me... When I look at their little faces, it is like my cares and worries disappear for those moments... I think that is what Heaven is... Oh, but God, does it make me want another baby, like really freaking bad! Nights like tonight, I can see how people end up having, like 20 kids... You miss that true innocence that a newborn has... Looking into a face that loves you no matter what. They don't care what you look like. They don't care about anything that the world cares about, aside from being loved, and being held, and being cared for. They are content to just love and be loved. Why can't we all be like that?

So, the party... It was fun for the most part. I am not really close to the girl it was for, but I like her. Talk about THINSPO tho!... I am sorry, and this makes me evil, I know it... She is probably about 400 pounds, and I am pretty sure she has lost over a hundred on her diet... I look at her face, and I see beauty under it all, I really do, but God, see her from behind, and I almost wanna lose my lunch...

Unfortunately, I still ate... and I ate what felt like a LOT, but comparitivly speaking, it was better than I would have done before... I had 2 peices of homemade hawaiian pizza probably 2 inch by 3 inch rectangles. It was made on garlic bread ... At least it felt like it. A small salad, probably a half a cup of fruit, and a bite of pasta salad. THEN CAME DESERT... I already said that they had pineapple cheesecake, which is just amazing... They also had cake that my friend made from scratch...It was good, but the frosting wasn't great, but fondant never is... I am a buttercream girl, myself! :) (I also make/decorate cakes from my mother-in-law's recipe) SO MUCH BETTER... Thank M-i-L not me... I just follow what she says. So anyway... Back to confessions... I then proceded to have a glass of iced coffee, as well as a Pepsi.

That would not have been so bad if that was all I had eaten all day. But breakfast was leftover pasta, that I KNEW when I got a to-go box, I should have just thrown it out. Lunch was a turkey sandwich and some (10ish) teddy grahams. THEN, when I got home, I had about a half-3/4 cup of leftover alfredo that my husband left in the fridge... When I binge, I BINGE, right?! Not purging tonight... Wouldn't help much anyway... It's all been down for too long.

Hubby and I stayed up late watching true blood, and I told him I wasnt tired. Truth is, I am exhausted, but I needed to confess, so tomorrow can be BETTER! I should just not eat tomorrow, and I may not... It depends on how the day goes. But Monday-Wednesday = NO MORE FOOD! Wednesday is probably a water only day. I think that is how the plan was, except I wasn't supposed to eat a fucking house today... Just 1000 cals... Fuck me! I HATE IT... I did get some exercize today... Not strenuous or anything... Just helping with weeding my neighbours patio, but I just wanted to chat and get to know her... She is really nice. About my size, but she wears it so much better than I do... I still think she is pretty, but not me. Tomorrow if I have time, I have to go out and do my patio too... It looks really bad.

So, what I want to know is WHY do I let myself do this... Eat til I want to be sick with the amount of food? Sad part is that I actually still want to eat! I don't think I am "hungry" I just want to eat. Maybe, cause I am emotional right now after looking at those pictures... I don't know. God, I need help. I am fucked up in the brain!

I hate the day to day shit... You know. Dishes, laundry, sweeping the floor after the kids eat, vacuuming... The mundane, robotic shit that has to be done every day so your house doesn't look like an episode of Horders... It depresses me, yet this is the path I have chosen. I am so fucking worn out... I need a break! Vacation was really REALLY hard on me. My hubby doesn't get it... I just want to run away and cry, and sleep, and drink, and starve, and eat, and cut... NO, not cut... I don't do that anymore... Hubby HATES IT! He can't stand if anyone hurts me-even myself, and he sees me naked, so I can't hide them... Trust me, I have tried... Sometimes I hate him... Hate him for being so Fucking perfect! That doesn't make sense...But somehow, to me it does... But then, I love him, I love him for being so perfect for me. We really do complement eachother very well.

Gotta weigh myself... 212? ...Shit, 213.2! I wanna eat... *opens fridge and freezer* grabs a "pop-ice" God, I suck! Could be worse, right- coulda been my husband's chocolate... Tomorrow I really shouldn't eat... I feel the "CYCLE" coming back on... Eat, feel like shit, eat somemore to cope with feeling like shit, gain weight, feel like shit, eat even MORE...

I know what this is, and why it is happening today... Hubby and I had a ...tiff... this morning about stupid shit... Right after I ate... Not smart on his part. I was already cranky. He asked me what I wanted to do today, and I told him I didn't know, what did he want to do today?... He said, we could take the kids outside, and I said, I didn't want to go outside. I don't like being outside. TOo many bugs... He blows up about not wanting us to sit around and watch TV like we apparently do everyday. I reminded him that is not true and asked him to make suggestions of stuff to do... He goes off about how it has taken me a week to get the laundry from our trip done, and the house is not spotless, and all I do all day is sit around and watch TV... Which is not true. I will say the tv is on most of the day, but I am not always watching it. So, I got the kids dressed in swim gear, and went outside. He came out later, and I escaped to the neighbours for a while and helped her work on her yard.

I wanted to say instead, "SO, pretty much what you are telling me is that I am not doing a good enough job, because I have not gotten our house spotless, and the laundry (which took about 10 loads to wash btw) was not done and put away before yesterday,(less than a week after we had been home) and I hadn't taken the kids outside to play, and I didn't take the kids to the library or a spash park, or something to get social interaction, or whatever the hell else I am supposed to do as a SAHM... Which in my mind adds up to 'I'm a failure, and I suck as a wife and a mother'. Thank you very much asshole" God, I hate him sometimes...

Nah, I really do love him. He is good to me. He is good to our kids. He loves me unconditionally... Overall, I really do have a good relationship with him... Just today was bad. We will talk about this all tomorrow, and I will tell him how he made me feel, and he will tell me he loves me, and why he was acting like that, and we will be fine. I will feel better until next time when he says something stupid that makes me feel like an inferior child that will never be able to please him

(Under 18 should skip the italicized part...)






outside the bedroom... Thank God, I can still do that, altho, he still desires the open relationship thing, but I like it too, and he's pretty much PERFECT, so... Yeah.

There for a while, the fat was distracting for him... BTW, ladies, NEVER ask your significant other if your body is a turn off... The answer may make you want to shoot yourself in the face... I believe in honesty, but seriously, come on! But I think it is better now.

It still haunts me... I think it always will... Any time he can't finish for whatever reason, WHich IS NOT often, anytime he turns me down cause he's "tired"... I will always wonder. I could look like, fucking Keira Knightley, and I would still think it was because of my body.

(Ok, it is safe again.)

God, I have a lot of thoughts tonight... I could ramble on for probably hours more tonight... But you all probably don't have time to read that... :)
And I want to catch up on some of your posts. :)

remember:
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY, and TOMORROW will be AWESOME!

AnaNae

Sorry.

Unfortunately, on the weekends I dont have much time to post, but during the week, there will be more. Thanks for following my blog! It helps to know I am being heard! ;) More soon,PROMISE!

AnaNae

Oh, and party went terrible! Ok, so not the party in and of itself, just the food. They had pineapple cheesecake, only my FAVE THING in the whole world! UUURG! I didn't eat a whole lot, and I tried to focus on salad and fruit, but I did have some chicken, and some cake and cheesecake, and some iced coffee, and a NON-diet pepsi... Tomorrow will be better tho, and Monday will be Perfect!

Muwah!

Update

207.2 this morning. Its a loss, I guess... I was expecting better. Not much time... GOtta be off of here before hubby wakes up. Did good yesterday. No food. That's it folks. :) False alarm...
Oh, and i am letting myself eat today. I have a birthday party I am expected to go to, and I know people will be weird if I don't eat. I will probably not be eating tomorrow tho to make up for it. Sorry this has to be short... I have a zillion things on my mind, But I don't want Hubby, call him H finding out about this part of my decision to change. I have been updating him on my weights, and he seems to be liking the results of my "diet" My stomach is a lot flatter- even more so today than yesterday. I feel bloated and puffy, like when I was pregnant... So, maybe I actually weigh less, but I just have a ton of water weight to lose. IDK. :) Goal is to not eat much before I go to the party today, then I can eat while im there. He's up gotta go.

WOOT!

Yes, I am a dork... You will get over it! LOL!

20-freakin-7.4 this morning!!! OMG! I feel so much better already! My stomach still hangs down when I am not sucking in, and when I suck in/flex, I still have a crease, so I am no where near done yet... My skin on my stomach is all wrinkly too, because of all the stretch marks... My belly button looks like fireworks... There's your thinspo for the day, friends! DON'T GET OBESE>>>IT DOES TERRIBLE THINGS TO YOUR BODY! So what, I have had 2 kids... That isn't an excuse, because I have seen women that have had 4 kids one being a newborn that were a size 6 or lower...

So, I just bought new pants... They are a size 18. BLECH!!! When I started, a 22 was tight, so progress has been made, but my ultimate goal is to be a 6, which is what I was when I met my husband. That means, I would be about 125-130. I know that is where some of you are now, and are trying to lose more, and maybe when I get there, it won't be enough, but it's a goal, right... First, I have to get under 200! At this rate, I should be under 200 by early next week! OMG! I can't wait!

I did 3 days without food, so I can do anything! I think the plan for today is water and 0 cal drinks for most of the day, and then at mealtimes, I can have something other than that... So 3x today, I can have 1 glass of something other than water/tea. I think I am going to try that. See if we can't speed this along...

Thanks for the support! I couldn't do this without you! There are too many thoughts running around in my head, and I have to share them with someone. My husband tries to help, but that usually just pisses me off, because I just take it as I am not good enough for him...

He suggested I try counceling the other day to move past my C.E.D. He says there is some deeprooted reason why I binge, and I can never get better til I move past that. I think I agree with him. I am fighting the symptoms, not the problem itself. He thinks I am afraid of being attractive, due to the fact I was sexually abused as a child. That may be partly true. I don't think that is all of it, because I do like being noticed...Sometimes.

Idk...

AnaNae

God Damnit!!!

So, my friend asked me and my husband to dinner tonight... FUCK! SO, I had to eat. (EXCUSE) I had half of an order of this pasta stuff, and some bread, and a bunch of french fries...And some chips and spinach artichoke dip... God, when you put it all out there like that It is a fuck-load! Totally planning on purging as soon as I know the coast is clear. My husband keeps coming down here, and I know he would be mad about that... So, I may do something different than the 14 day thing, because I am weak, and I can't keep it up that long... Gotta have reasonable goals when I am just starting out. New plan may look something like this.

Day 1:Eat <1000 Cals - Sunday
Day 2:Liquid only - Monday
Day 3:Liquid only - Tuesday
Day 4:Water/0 Cal Fast - Wednesday
Day 5:Eat Veggies - Thursday
Day 6:Eat <1000 cals - Friday
Day 7: Eat <500 cals - Saturday

BTW, Yes, I am mad at myself for eating today, mainly because I said I was not going to, but I am also DAMN proud of the 3 and a half days with out a single bite! And I know it doesn't sound like it, but for me, I did use restraint at the restaurant. I ate just a few chips with the dip, and probably 15 fries. less than half of my meal, and I gave part of my bread to my kids. (Excuse)
We will see about the weigh in tomorrow... I was fucking 212 when I weighed after I got back from the restaurant.

Tomorrow is a no eating day... Not even a bite. Not one... Nothing even just for the taste and spit out... I also am going to focus more on tea and water tomorrow instead of all the other crap I have been drinking. I gotta take care of dinner, then I am off to bed...

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY!

UUURRRG!

So, my husband just came home for lunch from work and ate probably a box and a half of macaroni and cheese. Just scarffed it down, barely breathed between bites. That should disgust me, right? I was somewhat grossed out by the sight, but what I was more grossed out by is that I was so freaking jealous of him! I wanted SO bad to grab even just a small, maybe half cup of mac and cheese and eat with him. I didn't, and that is because of you... You keep me accountable. But I wanted to SO bad! I was questioning wether this was even worth it... He reminded me that progress is progress, and .8 lbs a day for a week is a lot of weight to lose... I know... Still, I just want ONE FREAKING BITE! But for me, that is how it starts... One bite breaks my entire resolve... One bite one day turns into one bite twice a day the next day, and so on... I did have a bite of chicken earlier today that I spit out... I just wanted to chew something... I am not counting it as an official "bite" altho, I wish I wouldn't have done that, cause now it makes me want it more. Day 4 of 14, and I am already questioning if I can do this... I keep telling myself, I have to at least make it a week! ONE FREAKING WEEK OF MY LIFE... How short of a span compared to the expanse of my entire life, and I still don't think I can spend it without my Best-friend, FOOD. Well, That friend hurt me. That friend told me lies... I hate it!

I can already feel the withdrawl coming on... I am starting to shake, I have a headache, I feel weak all the time, and I am bitchy like never before! I am also having a pretty painful cramp in my side under my ribs... I try to keep telling myself these things are positives, and I can't get better without them... But GOD, I just want a Bite of SOMETHING! I am pathetic! I am not even a 3rd of the way thru this, and I already want to quit. NOT THIS TIME. I can do this, at least a week. At the end of a week, I can evaluate my loss, and go from there...

Look at me... Already making plans to quit early... TO give up... 2 weeks without a single bite of food IS a long time, and so is a week. But is it enough time to break me from this obsession, or is it just going to grow over time... The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing? I don't know. It is too soon to tell, and that is why I can't give up now! I did 3 days, and now, I am going to do 4. And tomorrow, I am going to go 5...

I am going to go take a bath and shelter myself from the overwhelming desire to sit in front of the TV with the rest of the mac and cheese, 2 hotdogs (which is how many are left in the open pack in our fridge) and a turkey sandwich for extra measure...

I just keep telling myself that it will be worth the pain once I am under 200, and even more so once I hit goal!

Day 3

209.6 This AM. I was hoping for less, but I will take the losses I get! Day 3 was also a success on the not eating front. My stomach is just starting to growl today. I think that is a good sign, altho, I still don't like that feeling yet... I want to embrace it, yet, I still feel an overwhelming desire to make it go away! Time for something to drink, I guess.

My husband is still supportive, altho he asked me the other day if I was sure it was a good idea to torture myself like this... I said no... He gave me a hug. Usually when he tries to help, it makes me want to eat more, but I didn't eat that time! :) Progress?

My thoughts are jumbled at the moment, so more later if I have time. :)

Ananae