Discoveries:

So I have discovered: I hate everyone and everything (except my kids) and I take it out on myself by eating and cutting and berating myself. I am reading a book about PTSD, and it talks about how this is normal. It is called anger-turned-inward... It starts when you are in a situation where you cannot express your anger for one reason or another. For me, this was at the girls' home I was in. The director's wife there was a Bitch and a half, and for some reason, she hated me more than the other girls. But if I were to stand up to her, I would have been in BIG trouble, and my life would have been hell for months. So I had to bite my tongue, sometimes quite literally, and take out my anger by punching myself in the leg or scratching myself when no one was looking just to release those feelings somehow... I hate her. She is probably the person in my life who did the most damage. It is actually probably a tie between her and Bio-mom.

I also have discovered recently, (I may have already said this) that EVERYONE in my life has made me feel inferior and like I was not good enough for them and that is where most if not all of my current issues stem from. For instance:

Bio-mom chose to be with the man who sexually abused me as a child rather than keep me. Literally, she was with him for a year or two after she gave me up and only when he said he wanted to have kids with her (sick fuck) and she wouldn't did HE say he would find someone who would!!!!! OMG!!! I would NEVER do that! I would never put a man or anyone above my kids!!! If Hubby hurt my kids, we'd be gone in a heartbeat! I wouldn't put up with it. Thankfully, my hubby is a good man, and a good father, and I don't have to worry about that, but seriously... I was not good enough for her to choose me.

My adoptive mom said to me on many occasions that she wished I would go live with my grandmother and be her problem... And one occasion, she said that when she prayed for a daughter, this [I] was not what she had pictured. I was not a good enough daughter because I was not perfect, and I had issues.

At the girls' home, I could NEVER do anything right, and the director's wife always assumed the worst about me (so did adoptive mom). My art work sucked, I was fat, I was "the worst girl they ever had" which I don't understand, because I was one of the FEW that didn't have a ton of secrets. Amongst the girls, I was one of the good ones! All I EVER wanted was to be her friend, and have her see me for who I was, but she could never do that... I was never good enough for her to like me.

When I got back from the girls' home, I was finally the daughter my mom always wanted, until I met my (now) husband, and I had sex with him. I was no longer perfect, so therefore, no longer good enough...

And now, My husband considers me a 5 on the "man-scale" and has issues with how I choose to parent, and my house is never clean enough, and so, I am not a good enough wife for him...

WOW. No wonder I hate myself. All my life, I have been taught that I am worthless, and I am broken, and I am never going to be good enough, so why on earth wouldn't I believe it!

The counseling and the books I am reading are trying to help me thru this. TO re-think, and re-learn, and put the anger that others have made me feel onto them... For instance, My mom was wrong for saying those things, and it is ok for me to be mad at her. I should not blame myself for her saying those things, because she was the one who was wrong. You just don't say those things to children. I never would, and she shouldn't have. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, no matter what I did or didn't do that prompted her to say them. It was HER bad, and SHE was wrong, not me...

My husband should NEVER say those things. A man should never tell a woman she is less than attractive, even if it might be true, because in doing so, it could destroy her sense of self-worth. We are hard enough on ourselves as women- we don't need men making it worse. HE was wrong for saying those things and being insensitive. While they may be true, He is not justified in saying what he said...

Director's wife was just a mean, bitter, hateful, angry, controlling woman who had no business being in a position of "ministry". She was wrong in how she treated me. I didn't deserve her animosity. I never did. I wasn't the bad person in that situation. She was. She was wrong for treating me and the rest of the girls how she did.

My mother is a selfish, lonely, woman who gave up the best things in her life so she could live her life the way she wanted. Her decision to give me up had nothing to do with me. She did that because she was selfish, and it was wrong of her to do that. I can't believe that she didn't want me... She just didn't want the responsibility of raising a child.

I was raised as a Christian, I have come to HATE Christianity's views on a lot of things. That we are supposed to believe that we are terrible people, and deserve the bad things that happen to us because we are sinful... No wonder so many christians have issues with depression and anxiety, and all that... we are taught from little kids in Sunday school that we are bad people and we deserve the worst punishment ever even thought of: Hell. I do believe we are not perfect people, and that is why we need Christ, but why do we have to make it about what we do or do not do... Why can't we just accept that it is because of the perfection of God, that we need a perfect Savior. Not because we are terrible people that will never be good enough... It isn't about us... It is about God, and His glory... Just my opinion. We can't ever be perfect on our own, and guess what, we aren't expected to... That is why we have a Savior... He was perfect for us, and sacrificed himself so that we could join him in heaven...

I know some of you might not be religious, and forgive me for getting into all of that if you aren't, but this has just been on my mind a lot lately. I get frustrated with the things I have been taught; what I mentioned above, that humility is hating yourself and thinking everyone else is better than you are, that being a christian is all about following a set of rules and regulations...

ANYWAY... I think this is enough for now... I just have a lot to figure out, and a lot to work thru. There has been an extensive amount of trauma in my life, and therefore, there is an extensive amount of damage to heal, but I am worth it, because I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. Now if I can just get to where I can believe all of that...

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I have stopped gaining, and I have even lost about 4 pounds, and I haven't even been trying! Things are starting to get a little better, I guess.

Love yourselves ladies, and make yourselves the best you can be because you are worth the effort. :)

AnaNae