Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Long time no type-y...

I am NOT PREGNANT anymore!!! I ended my pregnancy at a disgusting 261 pounderoos... Yep. But I have lost 22 lbs since the 9th as of yesterday morning. I was 238.0 when I weighed yesterday. I am 8 pounds from my start weight on this pregnancy. :) My baby girl had complications breathing when she was first born, and we were in the hospital for 12 days. She is thankfully much better now, but that put a stall on my ability to exercise. I am hoping I can start on that tomorrow morning, but it depends on the baby and if she will actually let me sleep at all tonight. I already feel like a new person, even tho I have a very long way to go, but I can do this! My goal was to be under 200 by January, and at the rate I have been going, I should have no problem reaching that! I am honestly not really hungry anymore... I am eating what is a normal, healthy amount to lose 2lbs a week, and I am doing that comfortably. I have no desire to self-destruct anymore, which is amazing...

LIfe other than my wt loss has been Hell tho... Not only was my little one in the hospital, but I just found out a couple days ago that my husband has been having an emotional affair with the girl he knocked up... I told him after they got thru the emotion of the miscarriage, that I didn't want him talking to her anymore, and he continued to not only talk to her, but also flirt sexually with her over text messaging and phone calls behind my back... We were at the point where we were seriously discussing divorce, because he was mad at me for being crazy and self-destructive and pushing him away for 5 years. I wanted to make things work, since I am a different person now, and he just needs to give me time to show him that... But then this happened... I am hurt, but I am still willing to work things out... I think it is more for the kids' sake right now than for my own, but I still love him... I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again... This cut deep. He broke a promise that when I said I wanted the open marriage to be over that he would stop... I can work past this, but it will take a long time and a lot of work. We have both been hurt by eachother, but I still believe we are supposed to be together, so I am willing to try.

On top of that, my mom asked about stuff and I told her everything, from the open marriage to me being bisexual, and all of that... She was cool about it when I told her, but now she is pissed off at both me and Toby... I don't really care tho. That is the past, and I am not going to let her bother me anymore. She is the one that is wrong for getting so upset at me... I was being real and being true to myself, and I don't really care that she doesn't like it. She needs to get over herself... She is taking it personally that we did that, and what she needs to realize is that it had nothing to do with her, so she really has no right to get mad at me...

All that shit going on, and I am not trying to hurt myself!!! Progress!!! I am working thru it all in my own way, and not using food or other self-destructive substances to cope! My life is turmoil, but I am still happy. Hurt, but happy. I still feel like I deserve the best and I deserve to be happy, adn I am not letting other people get me down!

baby is crying tho. gotta go


Friday, April 22, 2011

WOW it's been a while!

I know it has been a really LONG time. I have been journaling on paper a lot lately. as far as my weight goes, I am gaining a normal, healthy amount for my pregnancy. I have gained a lot more than I wanted to, since I didn't want to gain any, but the baby is healthy, and that is what matters right now. When I am done with the pregnancy, I am going to be working out at the Gym again, and my goal is to lose 50-60 in 6 months. Hard, but do-able. I finally feel like I am ready for this emotionally! I am no longer self-destructive, and I am able to see my worth now... I am worth the effort, and I actually believe it. I am better able to combat the destructive thoughts... You know that veggietales movie where the lie Junior asparagus tells keeps growing and growing until it becomes a giant... Well, my negative thoughts are like those lies, and the more I keep telling myself I can't accomplish my goals, the bigger I will keep getting... So I just have to keep telling myself the positive things so that the Giant me will shrink! :)

The girl that hubby got pregnant lost the baby. (Thankfully for me) That phase in our marriage is officially over. I deserve better than to keep hurting myself. We have re-focused on each other, and our marriage is the best it has been in a long time! I have been crazy busy lately. I have been painting both of the kids' rooms. The girls' room is done, and I am working on the baby's room. I am tired and ready to be NOT PREGNANT! I miss being able to work out. I have been having some pain in my hips... They are separating due to this being my 4th pregnancy in 3 years... It makes everything hard... Walking, sitting, laying down, rolling over... Everything hurts.

I am feeling better than I have in a long time emotionally right now... I am learning a lot, changing a lot for the better. but I have kids that need fed, so I better get off of here... Here in about 7 weeks, I am going to need your support and your comments and help as I start back on my weight loss journey... I have a LONG way to go!

Remember> You are who you want to be... You are defined as you define yourself. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or who you need to me... Just be yourself and love yourself... :)


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

It's a girl!

Just found out today that it's a girl... I was really hoping for a boy, so I could be done being pregnant... I don't want to get pregnant again, but I really want a boy... I should be happy that she is healthy, right... But I was disappointed. Mainly because I don't want to have to get fat again! I wanted to be able to LOSE my weight FINALLY and for GOOD after this pregnancy!!!

But she is healthy, and she will be beautiful like her sisters! :) And I did always want 4 kids...

I guess I have to wait a ilttle longer until I am no longer disgusting, since we were planning on getting pregnant again within 6 months of this one being born. I feel like I am wasting all the time I am young being fat and ugly! By the time I finally lose all my weight, I am going to be old! THIS SUCKS!!!

But I will love this little girl too... :)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Bullet in the brain pan. Squish.

And this, ladies and gentlemen is why you don't have open marriages... The girl got pregnant and is keeping it... And wants my husband to be involved in her baby's life! And he wants to be involved in its life too... Yeah... Life sucks ass for me right now! Good news tho, I haven't gained any weight with my pregnancy yet, and I am at almost 18 weeks... So, yeah. It could be worse, right?



Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What should I do???

So, all the progress I was making internally is pretty much shot now... I have been pretty depressed lately, and I have gained about 5 pounds since I posted last... It is driving me nuts!

Basically what happened, was that I was feeling great about myself, and I was feeling strong and proud of myself and the progress I have been making and once again, my mom comes at me and discourages me... I told her that I feel like I am a good person and a lot of the things I do that aren't desireable aren't entirely my fault due to the abuse as a child and my life experiences... SHE said that I AM a bad person - because in her eyes, all people are bad, and that by saying things are not my fault, I am not taking responsibility for my actions...

Why do I let her completely undo all the progress I have made in one conversation? She makes me feel like I can't do anything right and no matter what I do, I can never be good enough. She disagrees with all the things I am learning, and I disagree with a lot of the things she taught me... This was two weeks or more ago, and I have yet to shake the residual feelings of inferiority.

I also am feeling like I need to tell her about my sexual orientation as well as about my husband and my open marriage. I feel like in keeping these things from her, I am not being true to myself, and that is going against the positive changes that have been made in my life... I can't truly be proud of myself unless I am proud enough to tell her the truth.

But it is hard, because I know it would hurt her, and she would take it personally. She would feel like she had failed as a mother, and I don't want her to feel that way, but to change just because she wouldn't approve isn't fair to myself. I have done that before, and I just felt like my life was fake and meaningless... I don't want to conform... I want to be myself. But I don't want to hurt her... and I don't want to hide anymore... WHAT DO I DO???

I kinda feel like I am at a stand still right now... I can't be happy with who I am unless I am honest with her. But I also want/need her approval, and telling her this would ruin that. Due to her religious beliefs, she would not be able to be proud of me if I told her these things. She wouldn't be able to accept me. I feel like she is accepting a lie right now, and that really bothers me.

Part of me just thinks that if I gave her time, she would learn to see the good in me, and just accept the parts she doesn't agree with. But I don't know that for sure...



Wednesday, November 24, 2010

60th Post!!!

Wow, I can't believe it! 60 posts... In that time, my body has gotten worse, but my attitude and self-worth have hugely improved. I have stopped my desire to self-destruct... And while I haven't found the energy or drive to better myself, I am definitely making steps in the right direction.

I got an ultrasound the other day, and there is only one little peanut in there. :) I am kinda glad!!! I just hope it is a boy!!! :) I am 10 weeks and 2 days now. Right where I am supposed to be... It was so cute; I got to watch "him" move... "He's" an active little thing! :) I wish I could watch that all day everyday!!! :) I love it!

The Doctor found a cyst too, which concerns me a little, but she said that it can be normal for them to form during pregnancy, and that they usually go away on their own. She wasn't concerned, so I shouldn't be either.

We are getting ready for Christmas in our house. We re-arranged the living room yesterday, and will probably set up the tree Friday. :) I am going to start cooking for Thanksgiving today... I will probably make my casserole, since it is better the second day anyway... :) I will probably also make my gravy ahead of time too... Sorry, ladies, Enough about food...

I have started feeling a bit better with the pregnancy, so I should be able to start working out again soon! :) That is exciting, altho, I will have to take it slow at first to see how I handle it. I am not doing the spinning class... I am just going to go use the eliptical and treadmil at the community center. It will be good to go again. I have missed it... I just didn't think people around me would appreciate me getting sick while they are trying to work out! :p

The kids have kept me pretty busy lately... The little one has discovered how to get up onto the diningroom table by herself... Oh boy... She is getting TOO big!!! :)

Well, that's my update... I have lost about a pound since I posted last, and I am going to get to start working out again soon!!! :) My official goal is to gain under 10 lbs the entire pregnancy... Actual goal is to not gain a single pound, but we will see how it goes. :)


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A light at the end of the very very long tunnel...

I haven't felt like this in my entire life... I feel happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel content. I feel confident... How did this happen? Something I thought would never happen until I was skinny again...

I wrote a letter to my mom talking about how much she had hurt me and how I can be proud of myself despite what she would think... While I was writing this letter, I guess I was just realizing that the things I do don't define me, and the pain I have caused myself isn't because I am messed up in the brain... It is because people hurt me a lot, and it was a completely natural response.

All the things I am choosing to do in my life: The open marriage, drinking, occasionally smoking *none of which I can do atm*, singing at church, loving God and wanting to serve Him, My parenting skills, and even my eating habits... They are all parts of a whole. And without one of those things, I wouldn't be me... And I LIKE me... I like who I am. I like the woman I am becoming, and I like the choices I am making. It doesn't make me a hypocrite to be bi-sexual... It is just a part of who I am. I have been bi since I was a child... The first girl I loved was when I was in 4th grade! I have always been attracted to women since I can remember...

All just parts of a whole... It has kinda become my mantra lately. I can be proud of myself even if I do things that some people would think were wrong...

Now, I am not saying that I am just going to give up on my weight loss process just because I am finally healing emotionally... I do not like the way my body looks or feels right now. I am not healthy. I can't do a whole lot about it right now, due to the pregnancy... (I am 10 weeks, and I have been feeling baby move for about 2 weeks now... Twins?) I have stopped gaining, and I have been eating less. I have been stopping when I am full, and I haven't been eating a bunch of junk... Those are the things I go overboard on durning binges... While I haven't lost, it is probably due to the pregnancy, so I can't complain.

Time to get my kids up and ready for the day tho... Just wanted to fill you in on how I have been feeling lately. Better... Not perfect; far from it, but better. And that is progress... :)