So, ED has gotten the best of me in the past 2 weeks. At the psychologist, we are digging up a bunch of the shit that happened to me as a very small child... The stuff that before was subconsciously making me want to hurt myself... Now, it is conscious... I literally can and have gained like, 10 pounds in less than 2 weeks... I can't seem to stop eating. I know I am hurting my body, I look disgusting, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to care enough to stop. Food is a very temporary fix, but it has been a fix... For the short amount of time I eat, I feel better... Then it goes away, and I eat again. All of my hard work is gone now... I weigh more now than I did at the beginning of the year. It pisses me off, and I tell myself it is going to get better, but what do I do? I eat. and once again, I can't stop.
To all my ana friends on here: This is what it looks like from the other side. Instead of Ana telling me I can't eat or I will get fat, I have "Ed" telling me that if I eat, it will make the pain go away even for a little bit.
I do think I am discovering something about myself that may end up helping... A desire to be as little like my biological family particularly my mother as I possibly can be... My entire family is above 250 aside from me and a cousin. She is probably 170-180 range... I don't want to be like them! You picture the epitome of white trash, and that is my family. Filthy houses, don't take care of themselves, morbidly obese, trailer homes or apartments, but they do all have pretty nice vehicles... Granted, they are in debt because of those, but... Not a pretty picture.
I already am nothing like them in that respect... I am married to a wonderful man, we drive nice vehicles without being in horrible debt, and we have a really nice house that I keep pretty clean... It isn't always organized and toys aren't always put away, but it is not filthy, and I don't have bug problems...
My weight is the one thing that links me to them... That is why I need to sever that link... Break away from them completely!
Oh... And I think I am preggers... :) YAY!
OMG ! Really. Congratulations if you are pregnant cause that's amazing news and don't worry about your recent weight gain it's always hardest when you are dealing with emotional issues and you just want to binge constantly but hopefully you will push past it and get back on track.
ReplyDeleteAs for your family, just by acknowledging that you don't want to be like them makes you not like them.
I have a huge fear that I will wake up one day and find I have turned into my mother so every day I will it not to happen and so far it hasn't.
Cross fingers that the power of positive thinking will stop both of us from being anything like our families.
brokenmirrors
xoxo
Thanks for sharing your story with me, AnaNae. I don't have any desire to see a counselor or psychologist at the moment, but I do know I have to stop ignoring my past.
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