So, all the progress I was making internally is pretty much shot now... I have been pretty depressed lately, and I have gained about 5 pounds since I posted last... It is driving me nuts!
Basically what happened, was that I was feeling great about myself, and I was feeling strong and proud of myself and the progress I have been making and once again, my mom comes at me and discourages me... I told her that I feel like I am a good person and a lot of the things I do that aren't desireable aren't entirely my fault due to the abuse as a child and my life experiences... SHE said that I AM a bad person - because in her eyes, all people are bad, and that by saying things are not my fault, I am not taking responsibility for my actions...
Why do I let her completely undo all the progress I have made in one conversation? She makes me feel like I can't do anything right and no matter what I do, I can never be good enough. She disagrees with all the things I am learning, and I disagree with a lot of the things she taught me... This was two weeks or more ago, and I have yet to shake the residual feelings of inferiority.
I also am feeling like I need to tell her about my sexual orientation as well as about my husband and my open marriage. I feel like in keeping these things from her, I am not being true to myself, and that is going against the positive changes that have been made in my life... I can't truly be proud of myself unless I am proud enough to tell her the truth.
But it is hard, because I know it would hurt her, and she would take it personally. She would feel like she had failed as a mother, and I don't want her to feel that way, but to change just because she wouldn't approve isn't fair to myself. I have done that before, and I just felt like my life was fake and meaningless... I don't want to conform... I want to be myself. But I don't want to hurt her... and I don't want to hide anymore... WHAT DO I DO???
I kinda feel like I am at a stand still right now... I can't be happy with who I am unless I am honest with her. But I also want/need her approval, and telling her this would ruin that. Due to her religious beliefs, she would not be able to be proud of me if I told her these things. She wouldn't be able to accept me. I feel like she is accepting a lie right now, and that really bothers me.
Part of me just thinks that if I gave her time, she would learn to see the good in me, and just accept the parts she doesn't agree with. But I don't know that for sure...
HELP!
AnaNae
