I just got back from the gym... I did 5 min warm up, 5 min Power walk, 4 min jog, 5 min power walk, 15 min eliptical, and 10 minute cooldown... 44 min total. I should feel good, right? Why then, do I feel like a complete loser? My legs hurt really bad, I am exhausted, I was sweating like a pig... I got a good workout in. I think it is because I am hungry, and I am not eating anymore tonight... That, and I have needed to talk with someone for a LONG time about my feelings lately, and I have no one accessible to talk to... I may go out and drink tonight... Or even more pathetic, stay home and drink alone... I cut for the first time in YEARS the other day... It felt good in that sick in the head kind of way... I for some reason feel the need to self-destruct in some way at all times, so maybe if I do that instead, I can be skinny again... Don't worry my lovely friends, I don't do it on veins or anything. I am not suicidal... I just like the physical pain sometimes. It is not for attention either... You are the only people who know about it, and it is well hidden under a bracelet I never take off. And if someone does see it, I can pass it off as I must have scratched myself on something... Which is technically true... It just happens to be a razor blade and intentional. My husband knows something is wrong... He thinks I am mad at him... I am not, and it makes me mad at him that he thinks this is even about him at all! So, I guess I am mad at him, but I wasn't... I am just so FUCKING tired of hating myself... I am tired of the LOOKS I get at the gym... like I don't belong... I hate that i can't go and run the whole time... I have to powerwalk most of my workout... I hate it all!!! I HATE my reflection... IT is that STUPID bra I found the other day... The fact that I used to be that small, and I ruined it drives me CRAZY!

I am working on it, and that is what counts, right?

AnaNae