Musings of a sad soul.

I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish there was something that helped... Even for just a day. Instead, I am breaking at the seams. My happy resolve is disintegrating in my hands, and I am powerless to stop it. My addiction is ripping my heart into tiny little peices and scattering it into the wind. I feel like my body is a shell that I cannot shed... A plague that I cannot fight... A battle I cannot win. Why can't I love myself. On the surface, that answer is that I am disgustingly fat. But I am fat because I hate myself. I am fat because I destruct using food. I am sabotaging myself with food, because for some reason, I can't physically or mentally LET myself succeed at everything at one time. It is like I cannot let myself be happy or content, because... I don't know why... If I knew, I would never have needed to write this in the first place. The cutting doesn't help... It doesn't hurt enough. It doesn't hurt like being fat does. Why am I hurting in the first place. WHAT is it that I can't get past? I am hoping that SOMEDAY SOMEONE will help me. I need to know why I can't love myself. I need to know why I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I need to know why it hurts so bad... But NO ONE has the answers. Least of all, me... On the outside looking in, I should literally be the happiest person in the whole earth. I have everything I have ever wanted out of life except that I am, lets be honest here, 70 pounds overweight. 70 fucking pounds... It is disgusting. It is repulsing. It makes me want to vomit with the insurmountable burden it is on my body, my bones, my muscles, but most of all, my soul... The very fiber of my being is being crushed under a 70 pound weight that has paralized me in perpetual self-destruction. I tell myself, that if I was skinny, I would be happy. I would literally have EVERYTHING! Why then, can't I let that happen? Why can't I let go of the pain? Why can't I love me? God, it hurts SO bad... Sometimes, I don't think I can carry this pain any longer... I just want to go back and start over... I want to tell my 14 year old self that that Guy didn't love me... He just wanted my body. Plus he is balding at 30 now... I want to tell my 15 year old self that I am strong enough to get thru life without the girls home... That my parents and I could have gotten thru it. That I was going to miss out on so much by leaving... Tell my 17 year old self that pleasing other people is impossible to do, but rather to focus on being the kind of person I WANTED! Tell my 18 year old self that this man is my soul-mate, and I will be with him forever, and don't worry about what my mom thinks... MARRY HIM!!! Don't wait... My 19 year old self- You are beautiful, and You are only 30 pounds away from your goal! You have already lost 25... You are halfway there! You are strong, and when you set your mind to something, you can accomplish it.... My 21 year old self- The pain of this miscarriage will pass. Your child is in Heaven, and he is looking down on you right now... 22-23 This baby will be SUCH a blessing... Yeah, it is going to be hard to have 2 girls so close in age, but they will be best friends, and you are going to love them both more than you ever thought it was possible to love another human being... And now... What would I tell myself... This too shall pass... The pain of this moment is as fleeting as the moment itself. You are strong. You are knowledgeable, you are capable, and you will beat this. You are better than this... Look at what you have come thru and you can still get out of bed in the morning and take care of your children like your mother never did. You can keep them safe. You can show them love and dedication that your mother was never capable of showing. You are a wonderful mother. You are GOOD ENOUGH for them, And you deserve to be happy...

Why doesn't it mean anything to me... They are just words... They don't help. I can always find the negative. It is always there haunting me like a battle scar... Still the words: "You are FAT and until you are no LONGER fat, you will never be good enough for anyone especially your children and your husband who are your whole world..." never seem to leave my mind. I literally have not gone a day in the last year and a half that those words or something similar has not at least crossed my mind.

It is a disease... this whatever it is... Scar; pain; depression; hatred... It is killing me. From the inside out, it is destroying me. Everything I am and have ever wanted to be is affected or better yet, infected by it...

Please, someone make it go away! Please? I'm begging you, please...