Frustrating!

So, I am not sure what is going on with me... I have a couple ideas, but I am not sure. I am probably up to about 225 right now, and I can't bring myself to care. I know that I look disgusting. I know that I am unhealthy, I know that the problems I have been having sleeping lately are because of this, but yet, I am still eating a shit load of calories, and I can't seem to make myself stop. It is like there are two opposing forces in me. The me that wants to be healthy and beautiful and skinny and strong and lose weight, and there is a second force in me that makes me want to eat when I am not hungry... Tells me I am hungry after I have just eaten, and won't be satisfied with healthy food... I usually call this self-destruct mode... But I haven't been having a hard time emotionally this week. At the beginning of this week, I felt fine. I was happy, I was discovering things about myself- the good things... I was starting to love myself, and trying to be happy... But it is almost as if the better I have gotten internally, the worse I have gotten at maintaining my weight... By body is trying to make me hate myself again... WHY? Maybe because that is comfortable... I don't know how not to... I read that this is all normal when you are dealing with PTSD, -for your symptoms to get worse instead of better at first... Am I just making excuses for myself... Oh this is normal, so I can eat as much as I want and blame it on healing... I don't think it is... I think it is much deeper than that... Like I said, I feel like my body/mind is at war with itself... And the part that hates me is winning right now. And I am powerless to stop it... I don't know how to stop it. I hate it!

It has to get better at some point, right? I mean I have to heal eventually, and then I can not hate myself and self-sabotage and destruct anymore... I hope! I am tired of it! I want to be healthy for the new little life growing inside me, but I haven't been able to control my eating! It is frustrating! I am still working out 2-3 times a week, but I should even up that a bit, but I haven't. I don't want to...

Part of me wants to get better, but as time goes on, and the more I see the Doctor, the less I hear that part of me speaking...

I have upped my visits to once a week, so that when I am having meltdowns, and can't figure shit out, I don't have as long until I can talk to her about them. This week, i don't even know what is wrong. I refuse to blame it on pregnancy hormones! I can't let myself gain a ton of weight while I am pregnant because of "Hormones"...

Frustrating...