A light at the end of the very very long tunnel...

I haven't felt like this in my entire life... I feel happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel content. I feel confident... How did this happen? Something I thought would never happen until I was skinny again...

I wrote a letter to my mom talking about how much she had hurt me and how I can be proud of myself despite what she would think... While I was writing this letter, I guess I was just realizing that the things I do don't define me, and the pain I have caused myself isn't because I am messed up in the brain... It is because people hurt me a lot, and it was a completely natural response.

All the things I am choosing to do in my life: The open marriage, drinking, occasionally smoking *none of which I can do atm*, singing at church, loving God and wanting to serve Him, My parenting skills, and even my eating habits... They are all parts of a whole. And without one of those things, I wouldn't be me... And I LIKE me... I like who I am. I like the woman I am becoming, and I like the choices I am making. It doesn't make me a hypocrite to be bi-sexual... It is just a part of who I am. I have been bi since I was a child... The first girl I loved was when I was in 4th grade! I have always been attracted to women since I can remember...

All just parts of a whole... It has kinda become my mantra lately. I can be proud of myself even if I do things that some people would think were wrong...

Now, I am not saying that I am just going to give up on my weight loss process just because I am finally healing emotionally... I do not like the way my body looks or feels right now. I am not healthy. I can't do a whole lot about it right now, due to the pregnancy... (I am 10 weeks, and I have been feeling baby move for about 2 weeks now... Twins?) I have stopped gaining, and I have been eating less. I have been stopping when I am full, and I haven't been eating a bunch of junk... Those are the things I go overboard on durning binges... While I haven't lost, it is probably due to the pregnancy, so I can't complain.

Time to get my kids up and ready for the day tho... Just wanted to fill you in on how I have been feeling lately. Better... Not perfect; far from it, but better. And that is progress... :)

AnaNae