I know that normally, people on here are tortured souls, fighting to be accepted for who they truly are, and most of the time, that is true of myself as well, but I was just looking thru pictures of my babies from when they were actually babies, not toddlers... I can't even express how happy they make me... When I look at their little faces, it is like my cares and worries disappear for those moments... I think that is what Heaven is... Oh, but God, does it make me want another baby, like really freaking bad! Nights like tonight, I can see how people end up having, like 20 kids... You miss that true innocence that a newborn has... Looking into a face that loves you no matter what. They don't care what you look like. They don't care about anything that the world cares about, aside from being loved, and being held, and being cared for. They are content to just love and be loved. Why can't we all be like that?
So, the party... It was fun for the most part. I am not really close to the girl it was for, but I like her. Talk about THINSPO tho!... I am sorry, and this makes me evil, I know it... She is probably about 400 pounds, and I am pretty sure she has lost over a hundred on her diet... I look at her face, and I see beauty under it all, I really do, but God, see her from behind, and I almost wanna lose my lunch...
Unfortunately, I still ate... and I ate what felt like a LOT, but comparitivly speaking, it was better than I would have done before... I had 2 peices of homemade hawaiian pizza probably 2 inch by 3 inch rectangles. It was made on garlic bread ... At least it felt like it. A small salad, probably a half a cup of fruit, and a bite of pasta salad. THEN CAME DESERT... I already said that they had pineapple cheesecake, which is just amazing... They also had cake that my friend made from scratch...It was good, but the frosting wasn't great, but fondant never is... I am a buttercream girl, myself! :) (I also make/decorate cakes from my mother-in-law's recipe) SO MUCH BETTER... Thank M-i-L not me... I just follow what she says. So anyway... Back to confessions... I then proceded to have a glass of iced coffee, as well as a Pepsi.
That would not have been so bad if that was all I had eaten all day. But breakfast was leftover pasta, that I KNEW when I got a to-go box, I should have just thrown it out. Lunch was a turkey sandwich and some (10ish) teddy grahams. THEN, when I got home, I had about a half-3/4 cup of leftover alfredo that my husband left in the fridge... When I binge, I BINGE, right?! Not purging tonight... Wouldn't help much anyway... It's all been down for too long.
Hubby and I stayed up late watching true blood, and I told him I wasnt tired. Truth is, I am exhausted, but I needed to confess, so tomorrow can be BETTER! I should just not eat tomorrow, and I may not... It depends on how the day goes. But Monday-Wednesday = NO MORE FOOD! Wednesday is probably a water only day. I think that is how the plan was, except I wasn't supposed to eat a fucking house today... Just 1000 cals... Fuck me! I HATE IT... I did get some exercize today... Not strenuous or anything... Just helping with weeding my neighbours patio, but I just wanted to chat and get to know her... She is really nice. About my size, but she wears it so much better than I do... I still think she is pretty, but not me. Tomorrow if I have time, I have to go out and do my patio too... It looks really bad.
So, what I want to know is WHY do I let myself do this... Eat til I want to be sick with the amount of food? Sad part is that I actually still want to eat! I don't think I am "hungry" I just want to eat. Maybe, cause I am emotional right now after looking at those pictures... I don't know. God, I need help. I am fucked up in the brain!
I hate the day to day shit... You know. Dishes, laundry, sweeping the floor after the kids eat, vacuuming... The mundane, robotic shit that has to be done every day so your house doesn't look like an episode of Horders... It depresses me, yet this is the path I have chosen. I am so fucking worn out... I need a break! Vacation was really REALLY hard on me. My hubby doesn't get it... I just want to run away and cry, and sleep, and drink, and starve, and eat, and cut... NO, not cut... I don't do that anymore... Hubby HATES IT! He can't stand if anyone hurts me-even myself, and he sees me naked, so I can't hide them... Trust me, I have tried... Sometimes I hate him... Hate him for being so Fucking perfect! That doesn't make sense...But somehow, to me it does... But then, I love him, I love him for being so perfect for me. We really do complement eachother very well.
Gotta weigh myself... 212? ...Shit, 213.2! I wanna eat... *opens fridge and freezer* grabs a "pop-ice" God, I suck! Could be worse, right- coulda been my husband's chocolate... Tomorrow I really shouldn't eat... I feel the "CYCLE" coming back on... Eat, feel like shit, eat somemore to cope with feeling like shit, gain weight, feel like shit, eat even MORE...
I know what this is, and why it is happening today... Hubby and I had a ...tiff... this morning about stupid shit... Right after I ate... Not smart on his part. I was already cranky. He asked me what I wanted to do today, and I told him I didn't know, what did he want to do today?... He said, we could take the kids outside, and I said, I didn't want to go outside. I don't like being outside. TOo many bugs... He blows up about not wanting us to sit around and watch TV like we apparently do everyday. I reminded him that is not true and asked him to make suggestions of stuff to do... He goes off about how it has taken me a week to get the laundry from our trip done, and the house is not spotless, and all I do all day is sit around and watch TV... Which is not true. I will say the tv is on most of the day, but I am not always watching it. So, I got the kids dressed in swim gear, and went outside. He came out later, and I escaped to the neighbours for a while and helped her work on her yard.
I wanted to say instead, "SO, pretty much what you are telling me is that I am not doing a good enough job, because I have not gotten our house spotless, and the laundry (which took about 10 loads to wash btw) was not done and put away before yesterday,(less than a week after we had been home) and I hadn't taken the kids outside to play, and I didn't take the kids to the library or a spash park, or something to get social interaction, or whatever the hell else I am supposed to do as a SAHM... Which in my mind adds up to 'I'm a failure, and I suck as a wife and a mother'. Thank you very much asshole" God, I hate him sometimes...
Nah, I really do love him. He is good to me. He is good to our kids. He loves me unconditionally... Overall, I really do have a good relationship with him... Just today was bad. We will talk about this all tomorrow, and I will tell him how he made me feel, and he will tell me he loves me, and why he was acting like that, and we will be fine. I will feel better until next time when he says something stupid that makes me feel like an inferior child that will never be able to please him
(Under 18 should skip the italicized part...)
outside the bedroom... Thank God, I can still do that, altho, he still desires the open relationship thing, but I like it too, and he's pretty much PERFECT, so... Yeah.
There for a while, the fat was distracting for him... BTW, ladies, NEVER ask your significant other if your body is a turn off... The answer may make you want to shoot yourself in the face... I believe in honesty, but seriously, come on! But I think it is better now.
It still haunts me... I think it always will... Any time he can't finish for whatever reason, WHich IS NOT often, anytime he turns me down cause he's "tired"... I will always wonder. I could look like, fucking Keira Knightley, and I would still think it was because of my body.
(Ok, it is safe again.)
God, I have a lot of thoughts tonight... I could ramble on for probably hours more tonight... But you all probably don't have time to read that... :)
And I want to catch up on some of your posts. :)
remember:
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY, and TOMORROW will be AWESOME!
AnaNae
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