What is on my mind? A WHOLE FREAKING LOT! I am seeking psychological help for my eating disorder. I have determined that I cannot conquer this on my own. I can't keep hurting myself with food, or I will get to the point I can't get better without drastic measures. I think my self hatred comes from something in my past, but I don't know what, and I can't fix it until I know what it is I need to fix. Eating isn't my problem... It is the symptom...
I told hubby last night that he is my trigger... The way he looks at me sometimes makes me want to eat until I can't breathe anymore. The look of disgust I see in his eyes even when he tries to hide it. I also told him that is why I have been pushing him away lately. we haven't slept together in over a week, in any sense of the words... I have been sleeping in the basement. He just makes me feel worse about myself. Poor hubby... He tries so hard to help, and in doing so, he makes me hate him...
I had an amazing conversation with his best friend last night... My heart is still skipping from that... :) I said I was nervous about sending him a picture of myself almost sleeping with a little smile on my face, cause I didn't know what he would think, and he said and I quote, "if it's of you, I'll like it" My heart did backflips, so I sent it, and he said it was very nice, and that it was a good look for me... I told him that when I took that picture I was thinking about laying on his chest listening to his heart beat, while he held me and kissed the top of my head, and that I couldn't wait to see for myself how soft his lips are. He says he can't wait either. :) I guess I am going to have to show Hubby that conversation, but I don't want to... I want it to be private between Friend and me... But we vowed when we opened our marriage that we would be HONEST no matter what.
He just came home for lunch, and I showed him the texts... He asked me if he had to be worried he'd come home to an empty house and papers... I told him no... Trust me tho, the empty house thing has definately crossed my mind. I'dve been gone already if we didn't have kids!
I just read the first book in the Twilight series for the first time... i know, I am way behind... NO SPOILERS ON THE REST!!!
I have gained probably 5 pounds since I last posted my weight... I have been mad at hubby and taking it out on my body, cause I know it makes him mad... but maybe counseling will help with that... IDk... We'll see.
I saw a documentary on the 8 year old annorexic... It is insane to me that she at 8 years old would rather die of starvation that get fat like the contestants of the Biggest Loser... I hope she is better now... If you ever can get better from an ED... I just worry she is going to get pushed to the other extreme... Where she gets so used to eating all her food, that she gains too much weight...
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