Bandaids

The self-hatred is so strong right now. I can't even express in words how much it is bringing me down right now! I hate it! I fucking hate it! I want to die... I want to give up. I don't want to deal with being fat anymore. I can't stand under the pressure anymore. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want it all to go away. I want to love my body again... I want to feel sexy. I want to live my life the way I want to without being worried about how I am being viewed... Someone PLEASE make the pain go away... please?! I can't take it anymore! I can't do this on my own! I can't fix this! I can't make it better. I can put a bandaid on it.... I can go to the gym, work my ass off, and then I end up coming home and eating a shit load of food again! I need help. I hate it SO much! I found a bra from when my husband and I first met... 34 B. I wear a fucking 38 C now... I have gone up 4 inches around my ribs and upper back in 6 years. I used to wear a 42 D... SO I guess that's progress, right? GOD! I fucking hate this! I feel like a prisoner in my body. I feel like I have no control over my own actions... I can't handle the pain anymore! If it weren't for those 2 kids upstairs, I wouldn't even try anymore. Hubby deserves better. But I am a damn good mom, and I don't trust anyone else with my kids. At least I can do something right. I have not completely turned into my mother... The same mother who allowed a man to sexually abuse me, and stayed with him after I told her, and even after he went to prison for it... Only when he was done with her did she leave. Pathetic. No, I am nothing like her.

I need to get my head back on straight and stick with the decisions I make. Tomorrow... GOd there's my problem... But hubby is home tonight, and we may go out. After I go to the gym and workout til I puke...