Is anyone out there? I really am having a terrible time lately... I have been uncontrollable. I haven't been doing the things I know I need to do... Why? I am lazy. I am scared. I am selfish. I am angry. I am busy. I am tired. I am pregnant. I am unhappy. I am weak... My therapist says that since I had to be so strong as a child, the PTSD is making the feelings I should have been having back then come to the surface now. I wasn't scared then, so now I am... I wasn't weak then, but now I am... My defense mechanisms are disolving, because I don't need them anymore. I am now able to handle the bad stuff from my past. I was strong growing up because I had to be... Now, I don't have to be, and so I feel weak. I was fearless then, because the fear would have killed me, and now I feel scared all the time...
I HATE it... I want to be strong again. I want to be fearless again. I want to be determined again. I want to be who I was before out of necessity... I want that girl to come back, and this pitiful, weak, wimp, coward to go away... I am just so tired... So tired. I can't explain the fatigue. I wish I could... But I can't... i literally could sleep 12 hours and wake up exhausted... I am finding that I don't have the energy to do what I need to do at the gym... I am SO tired... My muscles feel like they aren't working anymore... My brain is running at half speed... Everything has just slowed down inside me...
Probably the pregnancy, I know...
I am sorry that I used to be so positive, and uplifting... PTSD and Clinical Depression are a Bitch...
I really hope this doesn't last much longer... I don't think I can handle it anymore! Especially since things are rocky with the hubby... He isn't my support system anymore... We fought BAD again tonight... He told me to get out... I refused... HE compared me to the people who hurt me in the past, and I was so pissed I literally wanted to hit him or stab him or something... I wanted nothing more than to hurt him... Which is becoming a popular theme... I think had he come any where near me tonight after he said what he said, i would have started hitting him, and I don't think I could have stopped... I really am not a violent person... I have never hit anyone except my brother when we were little...
I wish I could just leave for a while... I am so tired...
Oh baby, it'll get better, promise. Sure, things are hard now, but it is probably the pregnancy. And once it's over you'll have a darling child and I'm sure things will work themselves out. Sad about you hubby though, I can't believe he would do that.
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