The Beginning

I hate hating myself. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I am looked at. It is time I take control of my life and my weight. Currently, I am about 210. I have tried to lose it healthy... you know, a pound a week, or whatever the doctors tell you you are supposed to. I can't do that. I am too easily discouraged! I need to be seeing results. My friend and I started losing weight together, and I have lost 15 pounds, and she has lost around 60, because she doesn't eat. Those are the results I want! So those are the results I am going to get. I am tired of it!

So, a little about me if anyone actually follows me on this thing... I am 24, a mother of 2 and hopefully more, and happily married to the man of my dreams. Until I was 18, I never struggled with my weight. I was a healthy, muscular, 128-135. When I went on birth control, I gained about 30-50 pounds in about 6 months, and overall until around November of last year, 115. I have lost about 30 since then. The chemicals in them really did mess me up mentally. I was suicidal for no reason whatsoever. I couldn't stop eating, I had no motivation to do anything. It completely changed me. I am much better now, but I have 5 years of bad habits to break now.

There for a long time, the cravings were so bad that I couldn't walk into the kitchen without eating something! Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches being the worst! I have been on WW for a while, and those are like, 9 points or something outrageous like that! I would have 1 or 2 each time I walked into the kitchen. Trust me, for those of you that eat like, 500 cals, that probably makes you want to puke for me! ;-( I know. Disgusting right?!

Today, I did ok. I did liquids most of the day, but I had some chocolate from vacation that I had to get eaten up. No, I could not throw it away. I am not there yet. Hopefully soon! I envy those of you who are at your goal, and are maintaining. I find it interesting that the people who appose Ana-mia the most are fat. I think they all secretly envy your discipline. I know I do. I wish I could not eat when I tell myself I am not going to! I wish I could manage my calorie intake and outtake so well that I never gain a single pound. I wish I could go more than a month without a binge/cheat day! I figure, I just need to start craving that control more than I crave the food. Let that be my outlet when I am feeling angry, sad or frustrated. Control.

The part for me that is hardest to get past is the mental part. I can't get out of my mind what I used to look like. I know I need to focus on the changes I have already made: I have lost 30 pounds, and pretty much kept it off. I weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant with my children. I recently saw pictures of myself that were taken in August of last year, and I barely recognized myself. I was so disgustingly fat! Granted, I had just had 2 babies in under a year, but still... No wonder people tell me how good I look now, but still, it it feels meaningless to me, because it is still 60 pounds to go til I am at the top end of my "healthy range." and 85 to reach my goal!

I am starting small with this... I am the kind of person that feels the need to do things perfectly, and when I make it too hard, and "fail" I give up. So the plan is 14 days of liquids. I will probably allow carrots and celery or lettuce if I absolutely need it. But the goal is no solid food by the end of it. 14 days is do-able. My husband is supportive of my "liquid cleanse," so he will be able to help me with it for that time. When I get thru that, I will eat small things for two weeks. I am expecting to lose about 10-15 pounds during that time. After I am done with the next 28 days, I will assess how it went and probably start over. Just do that monthly cycle over and over until I reach goal, and once I am there, I can start eating real food again in extreme moderation.

Wish me luck, and if you have any tips, or encoragement. Please leave comments. :)
Ana-Nae