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God damn Jamoca shakes... God damn sick HUSBANDS! DAMN it all!!! Going out tonight...

*picture: sad face*

Kids woke up SUPER early.
I lost a follower..
And I gained a pound...

"This is shaping up to be a GREAT day," she says; laced with sarcasm.

Good news: I have babyfree time with the hubby tonight.
Bad news: I am a fat cow...

SO much for being under 200 by August 1... I really don't know why I ever thought that was possible with me... See, that is why I don't set goals... Even reasonable ones: I sabotage myself into not reaching them... Why? God, I wish I knew... Then I wouldn't be fat! Maybe I should have a goal to be over a certain weight by hubby's birthday... No, I would reach that one, because gaining is easy for me. Unfortunately reverse psychology doesn't actually work... *Sigh*

I wish I had someone to talk to that could talk back... That I didn't care about impressing, so I could share all my dark secrets...

I have a LOT to do today, and I only have til 2 to do it... That is when the sitter is getting here.

Kids are fussing and crying already... OH JOY! Gotta go.

AnaNae

I got to sleep in this morning. That was really nice. Especially since the little one woke up at midnight screaming her little head off, like she was dying... Scared the crap out of me. But she was fine. Just seemed scared or something. Her eyes were huge, and she took everytime she closed her eyes, she started crying again. I held her for about an hour just talking to her, and smoothing her hair. Then she layed down perfectly.

I was 207 this morning... That felt good. I was expecting 208. :) I see a HUGE difference in my body tho. This morning is the first day I am not too swollen to see it. I still may get some water pills tho... My ankles hurt from all the excess water... I think my husband made me sick again... GRRRR! My throat hurts this morning. He goes to see a doctor next month to see about getting his tonsils out. That should be fun, but totally worth it if it means he isn't sick all the time anymore...

Cereal so far today. I am going to try to not eat a whole lot.... We will see how that goes. I ended up staying home last night, and I can't go out tonight, since tomorrow is hubby's test. :( Oh well.

More later,

Stay strong!

AnaNae

I just got back from the gym... I did 5 min warm up, 5 min Power walk, 4 min jog, 5 min power walk, 15 min eliptical, and 10 minute cooldown... 44 min total. I should feel good, right? Why then, do I feel like a complete loser? My legs hurt really bad, I am exhausted, I was sweating like a pig... I got a good workout in. I think it is because I am hungry, and I am not eating anymore tonight... That, and I have needed to talk with someone for a LONG time about my feelings lately, and I have no one accessible to talk to... I may go out and drink tonight... Or even more pathetic, stay home and drink alone... I cut for the first time in YEARS the other day... It felt good in that sick in the head kind of way... I for some reason feel the need to self-destruct in some way at all times, so maybe if I do that instead, I can be skinny again... Don't worry my lovely friends, I don't do it on veins or anything. I am not suicidal... I just like the physical pain sometimes. It is not for attention either... You are the only people who know about it, and it is well hidden under a bracelet I never take off. And if someone does see it, I can pass it off as I must have scratched myself on something... Which is technically true... It just happens to be a razor blade and intentional. My husband knows something is wrong... He thinks I am mad at him... I am not, and it makes me mad at him that he thinks this is even about him at all! So, I guess I am mad at him, but I wasn't... I am just so FUCKING tired of hating myself... I am tired of the LOOKS I get at the gym... like I don't belong... I hate that i can't go and run the whole time... I have to powerwalk most of my workout... I hate it all!!! I HATE my reflection... IT is that STUPID bra I found the other day... The fact that I used to be that small, and I ruined it drives me CRAZY!

I am working on it, and that is what counts, right?

AnaNae

Ed, meet Ana.

Already this morning, I am off to a bad start... Cereal for breakfast, and Peanut butter and jelly for lunch... I wish I had the self control to not eat. The sandwich was down before I realized that I didn't actually want it... That right there is the joy of My friend Ed... He rules my life with food and I am powerless to it... Ed, we have to break up...This isn't working for me anymore. You make me hate myself. You make me insecure. Plus, I have met someone new... Her name is Ana. She is going to help me feel good about myself again. She is going to help me undo the damage you have done. Good bye Ed... I hope I never see you again! I am going to get better... I am going to lose weight. I am going to be happy!!! I will be Victorious! I have the Powaa!

When life gives you a treadmil-RUN YOUR A** OFF!

Today's workout was a little slice of heaven! Seriously! I am so freaking proud of myself! I RAN! I actually RAN!!! 4 whole minutes! I did a 5 min warm-up, 11 min of fast walking, 4 minute jog/run at 5mph, 20 min on the eliptical, 10 min medium paced walk, and 5 min cooldown. OMG! It felt so nice to sweat! Not even kidding! I could totally get addicted to that feeling... I feel so good right now! Emotionally, today has been SO much better! Eating wise, I did ok, I guess. Not great, but ok... Better than last week. Lady friend should be gone by tomorrow's weigh in. Swelling should be gone by the end of the week.

So, I made 2 really cool paintings today: Probably part of why it has been such a good day! Painting makes me happy! One of them won't show up well in a picture, but the other should be good. The one that won't be a good picture is a series of 3 paintings for my neighbour's new appartment. He said he was going to pay me if he likes them... Hopefully he likes them... If not, I am SO keeping them! I LOVE them! The other was just a little something that I am currently using as my mousepad... It says AMBITION- to seek earnestly. That was the wikipedia definition, which I liked a lot better than webster's def.

Let's see, what else is on my mind... My inlaws will be here next week. Monday is my oldest daughter's 2nd birthday! I cannot believe she is 2 already!!! Crazy part about her birthday, is that She was born August 2, 2008, and August 2, 2007, I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I was 12 weeks along, but the baby had only developed to 5 weeks. He had been dead for a while... No, I couldn't tell it was a boy, I just think it was... I don't know why. I was so sad then, but Baby1's birthday made that day all better for me!

My husband will be 30 the end of next week, and I have absolutely NOTHING for him! I don't even know what to get him! He is a gamer, really smart, and likes history... I know he sounds like a loser/geek, but he really isn't. He is very handsome, and not just by my standards. He is also a really good person. Any Ideas? I think maybe just getting away for a night to ourselves without kids would be fun...

Another random thought:
Alli's side effects have not kicked in yet. Maybe it takes a day... I really should finish reading all the material that came with it. Maybe when I am done here, I can do that. Watch, it is gonna kick in right as I am wanting to go to sleep tonight... I will probably be up late again tonight... I still want to read all y'all's blogs. :) I was supposed to go next door and drink and talk with my neighbour tonight, but I wanted to work on the paintings. Any of you who are artists know that when you are inspired, you kinda just want to go with it... You do your best work when you are in the mood!

I am starting to get tired, so I better cut this short. But I wanted to brag about actually being able to run- which is something seriously, I have not even tried since probably 2004 until recently that is... I haven't ran for longer than a minute or two since 2001 when I was in highschool softball.

Love you all, and thanks for the support!

AnaNae

My Alli

So, I just started taking alli today. It is FDA approved to help block the fat from what you eat. And if you eat a bunch of fatty stuff, it makes you poo like crazy. You are supposed to be able to lose up to 50% more weight than with diet and exercise alone. Maybe that will be the kick in the ass I have needed all this time. I am still planning on going to the gym 4-5 times a week for about an hour. And with the alli, you are supposed to eat low fat and low cal stuff so that you don't have the sideeffects of crapping yourself all the time... Consequences for eating like crap... That should help.

I am feeling a little better this morning. Maybe just because I am being proactive. I don't know. The kids were really good yesterday, and so far today... THat helps a LOT. My "lady week" is almost over, so that also helps.

I was 210.something with sweat pants and a t shirt on this morning. Expected... I have eaten like crap the past week, and I am still a little swollen from LW. Once I go to the gym tonight, and eat good, and take my "magic pills" I should be feeling better.

I am being summoned to read a book right now, so more later.

AnaNae

Bandaids

The self-hatred is so strong right now. I can't even express in words how much it is bringing me down right now! I hate it! I fucking hate it! I want to die... I want to give up. I don't want to deal with being fat anymore. I can't stand under the pressure anymore. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want it all to go away. I want to love my body again... I want to feel sexy. I want to live my life the way I want to without being worried about how I am being viewed... Someone PLEASE make the pain go away... please?! I can't take it anymore! I can't do this on my own! I can't fix this! I can't make it better. I can put a bandaid on it.... I can go to the gym, work my ass off, and then I end up coming home and eating a shit load of food again! I need help. I hate it SO much! I found a bra from when my husband and I first met... 34 B. I wear a fucking 38 C now... I have gone up 4 inches around my ribs and upper back in 6 years. I used to wear a 42 D... SO I guess that's progress, right? GOD! I fucking hate this! I feel like a prisoner in my body. I feel like I have no control over my own actions... I can't handle the pain anymore! If it weren't for those 2 kids upstairs, I wouldn't even try anymore. Hubby deserves better. But I am a damn good mom, and I don't trust anyone else with my kids. At least I can do something right. I have not completely turned into my mother... The same mother who allowed a man to sexually abuse me, and stayed with him after I told her, and even after he went to prison for it... Only when he was done with her did she leave. Pathetic. No, I am nothing like her.

I need to get my head back on straight and stick with the decisions I make. Tomorrow... GOd there's my problem... But hubby is home tonight, and we may go out. After I go to the gym and workout til I puke...

AWall

It has been a rough couple days with the kids... I think the little one is teething... She has been screaming bloody murder all day for the past 3. Which means, I have not had free time. Which means no blogging. Which means, I am an emotional wreck!

I have not hated myself this much in a long time... Seriously, I wish I could just die and start over... I am so tired of being fat, I am so tired of looking worse the smaller I get due to the extra skin. I am tired of my husband not touching me anymore! I miss the days when he would just run his hands over my body just because he wanted to... Now he barely touches me, and that is only when he wants more... I am a woman, I need to feel loved, appreciated and wanted. I do feel loved, but I don't feel like he appreciates me, and I sure don't feel wanted... I feel like he is stuck with me, and if he could, he would leave, but we have kids and we are married, so he won't.

I am tired of being out of control... I hate that. I eat before I even think about what I am doing... WHY?!!! I gotta go now, bed time for kids.

Leave comments, and stay strong...

Short and Sweet.

I think I may need counseling... I self-destruct with food... I can't stop.

Random stuff off my computer

Friday, July 2, 2010
Saints and Sinners

"Forget about guns and forget ammunition, 'cause I'm killin' 'em all with my own little mission, no I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner, but everything's cool long as I'm getting thinner..."
-- "The Fear" by Lily Allen


Ed Religion Worship
Welcome everyone to the worship page, this is for the worship of the ED gods. There are two goddess, Goddess Ana and Goddess Mia.

C ommandments: A doctrine that is tought, it is the teachings of religion.
Ana Commandments -++++++


1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, style your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.

Creed: Is a system of beliefs, that a religious group generally accept.

Ana Creed

I believe in Control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the chaos that is my world.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.
I believe that other people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am, then they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying just a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in
C
*********************************


"The question is not who is going to let me. The question is who is going to stop me." --Ayn Rand

01 822 201.85
02 807 199.14
03 792 196.42
04 778 193.7
05 763 190.99
06 748 188.27
07 733 185.55
08 718 182.84
09 703 180.12
10 688 177.41
11 673 174.69
12 659 171.97
13 644 169.26
14 629 166.54
15 614 163.82
16 599 161.11
17 584 158.39
18 569 155.67
19 554 152.96
20 540 150.24
21 525 147.52
22 510 144.81
23 495 142.09
24 480 139.37
25 465 136.66

5. When you get a craving, count to 100 really slowly, and it might pass. Dr.s say that counting changes the minds direction in thought.
7. Do 50 sit ups every morning ~ it will raise your metabolism and makes your stomach and chest look better not to mention your arms.
83. Never eat in secret. This is the worst habit to get into
93.Moisturise. Always keep your skin moisturised. There is no reason for your skin to look saggy. Start now and those saggy skin folds will tighten up
101. Lemon. Cut a fresh lemon and smell it. This helps with appetite control. Also Orange...
108.. Ride out the hour. When you start to get hungry, just tell yourself that you’ll wait until the end of the hour to eat anything. That way you’ll have time to think about whether or not you really
want those calories, and you’ll also feel really powerful since you’ve proved to yourself that you can go for that time without food.
120. The French's Trick... Take 3 bites of everything on your plate and that is it... taste it all savor those bites and finish.
125.Eat melons.... not only are they yummy but because they are an alkaline food they prevent you from getting sick and settle the stomach first thing in the morning better for
you actually than the grapefruit which is an acidic food!
126. Eat a fruit for breakfast and nothing else... this is what the fit for life diet plan is based on. I do this anyway, but in case you didn't know it.. fruit in the morning makes the digestive system pick
up speed... also exercise before you eat breakfast.. this also burns more calories.... calories in burn them out!
-

Hello Mia

Mia visited me last night after I ate a totino's pizza, 2 bowls of cereal, and a package of 6 cheese cracker sandwich thingies...

Pretty sure I got all but the pizza...


I broke down at my WW meeting. I was 208.0. Asked the group how to get past the mental part of it... Physically, I can go without food. I have proven that. Physically, I can work out, and burn calories. I have proven that. And when i do both, I lose weight. I physically can drop pounds like NOTHING, so I have determined that it isn't a physical thing.

Why does my mind FIGHT this so bad? What is wrong with me that I can't do what I need to do, and am physically capable of doing to make this problem go away? I want the problem to go away. I want to feel better about myself, I want to like the way I look, so what is the hold up?

GRRRRR!

Ok, this is just funny!

Ana Psalm


Strict is my diet.
I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past the confectioners.
It trieth my willpower.
It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department, I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids, my day's quota runneth over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the fear of the scales forever.


I got this from "The diary of AfricAnaMia" I thought it was hilarious and had to share!

Weigh in tonight!

Ok, folks... :) I am not allowed to eat or drink anything with calories today... I have my weight watchers weigh in tonight. I was 208.8 this morning. Which means 206ish on their scales. Progress, but not what I was hoping for... And I can't drink anything from 3-7 when my meeting is...

I am really sore from the gym last night... I was not sore at all the first day, but my GOD, I can hardly move this morning... I really hope the kinks get worked out before tonight.

Is it better to work out before you weigh in, or after? And how much fiber is acceptable for a day?

I ate like a pig for dinner last night! Probably 800 cals in one meal! But: today is going to be a good day! Especially since I can tell myself, that I can eat tomorrow...


I think my new plan is breaking up my days that I am allowed to eat:

SUN- 0 Cal
MON- Liquid
TUE- Eat but Restrict- under 1000
WED- O Cal
THU- Eat normal- 1200-1500 (Remember, I weigh a LOT)
FRI- Liquid
SAT- Eat Whatever within reason... (I still need one of those for now... When I get more control, I will restrict on that day too)


I have been trying to figure out something that I can maintain for more than just a week, and I think maybe this could work for me... Reason being, the longest I have to go without food is 2 days, and that is after having a day that I could binge if I wanted.

I feel kinda bad about not sticking to the plans I said before, but I knew after trying them, that I wouldn't be able to physically or mentally stick to them, and rather than feel like a failure for setting un-reasonable goals, I will modify into something that could work for a long time... I am still going to my weight watchers meetings, and I am going to start counting the points of the foods I am eating as well as the drinks on my liquid days. I need to start writing stuff down again! To keep myself accountable.

Emotionally, I am doing ok... I am tired all the time, but that is nothing new... I have perpetually been tired for the last 5 years... I don't sleep well, and when I do, it is never long enough...

I painted again yesterday... I can post a picture:




I am actually really proud of this! It turned out better than I had hoped... I may acutally be an artist afterall! lol! I have never actually considered myself a real artist, but this turned out pretty darn good.

My next project is a daisy for our master bathroom, and then finishing 'order' of the chaos and order pictures... or vice-versa. I don't know which will come first...

Anywho...

I think that's enough for now. :) Today will be amazing when I don't eat all day, lose an additional 5 pounds of water weight and I am under 205 for my weigh in... Altho, I think my ww leader would know how I lost the weight so fast... Oh well. I don't care what she thinks...

AnaNae

5 Ritz crackers.

GRRR... So, yet again, lets re-evaluate... Eat every other day? I am good at going one day now...

Yeah, lets try that, then graduate to the other diet...

SO FREAKING HUNGRY!

Damn-it! I am so hungry today... I am fighting a binge... This SUCKS! Probably doesn't help that the kids are watching Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs... The mayor on that is major THINSPO, even tho he is animated! Eat, and GET FAT! I probably have not drank enough today. Gotta work on that. Yeah, that should help...

SO, the painting I was talking about. Here it is:




Tell me what you think. :) youngest is losing her mind, so i gotta get off of here. There may be more later if I have time. :)

AnaNae

I'm BACK!

So, today went well. :) I did really good on the liquid only - aside from a small peice of the kids' chicken tender thing, probably an inch by 3/4 inch. I feel really good about it!

The gym was awesome!!! On the treadmill, I did 10 minutes at a moderate walk, 5 minutes at a fast walk, 2 minutes jogging, and 3 minutes back to a fast walk. Then, I did 20 minutes on the eliptical, with the resistance at 10, and the incline way up, some interval work there too. Then a 8 minute cool down back on the treadmill. Then stretched, and did some ab work. :) I was there working out for about an hour! I kicked my own butt! I pushed myself hard, and I feel amazing!!!

Emotionally, I was better today. I don't know what the difference is... Maybe the self-control... I think so! I painted today... I will post a picture of it. It is pretty cool. I call it Beauty in Chaos, or something else corny like that... :)

I was a little stressed at the stupid idiot woman at the BMV today, who made me make 2 trips and almost 3 for NO reason! Oh well...

I would write more, but I think I will actually be able to sleep tonight, and I have a long day tomorrow too! :)

To my followers: Thank you for following me and leaving comments! I LOVE THAT! It really is motivating to get positive re-inforcement. If you have anyone who you think will enjoy my blog, send them my way, and if there are any that you really enjoy, tell me about them! Thanks! Stay sweet and stay strong!

AnaNae

Today will be awesome, k? k!

Yesterday turned into a freaking disaster! I "used" again. Drug of choice: Patty melt, fries, and a turtle nut shake from Steak and Shake... God damn-it! I am starting over today tho. 2 days of liquid fasting, and then a day of I will call it 0cal fasting. Then a day of fruit and veggies, then count cals and restrict for 2 days. I may give myself a day where I can eat crap, just limit it to one time that day, and only if I behave the rest of the day. I am not ready to quit cold-turkey... I have realized that I am not there yet. As is evidenced by the last 2 days. But I have to start somewhere, right?

I am somewhat proud of the progress made tho. 4/7 days this past week without food. I think that is pretty good.

209.2 this am... I am really swollen today. I may have to get some potassium pills, or water pills... This is rediculous! My ankles have felt like sausages for over a week now! Considering last week, I am pretty sure I started out at 215, I feel pretty good about 209. Still disgusting, but better.

My hubby said that I could go join the community gym... So, my neighbour is going to take me and show me how to work out. I am excited! That should speed this along a bit... :) Neighbour R is in really good shape, and works out all the time, so he should really be able to help me!

I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately... Is that normal... Not hungry, really, just awake. Thoughts in my mind that I can't control. I have also had more vivid nightmares... One night, I dreamed I watched my daughter fall out of a window and die. I was right there, and I still couldn't help her... FREAKY! I woke up sweating and crying and woke Hubby up to hold me... Is it normal to have bad dreams too?

I have a lot to do today, and so I better end this for now. But I am excited to be starting a new week.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Weird

So, my weight was up to 211.0 this am, but the weird part is that my stomach feels much smaller. Also, my pants fell completely off when I was coming down the stairs this morning. So today is going to be MOSTLY liquid, with a little bit of solids. Then tomorrow starts the liquid only thing again for 3 days. See how low I can make my weigh in on Wednesday. I am shooting for 205. And hopefully under 200 by the end of the month! But it sounds like my husband is done mowing, so I better cut this short.

Happiness, except for the whole NOT part...

I know that normally, people on here are tortured souls, fighting to be accepted for who they truly are, and most of the time, that is true of myself as well, but I was just looking thru pictures of my babies from when they were actually babies, not toddlers... I can't even express how happy they make me... When I look at their little faces, it is like my cares and worries disappear for those moments... I think that is what Heaven is... Oh, but God, does it make me want another baby, like really freaking bad! Nights like tonight, I can see how people end up having, like 20 kids... You miss that true innocence that a newborn has... Looking into a face that loves you no matter what. They don't care what you look like. They don't care about anything that the world cares about, aside from being loved, and being held, and being cared for. They are content to just love and be loved. Why can't we all be like that?

So, the party... It was fun for the most part. I am not really close to the girl it was for, but I like her. Talk about THINSPO tho!... I am sorry, and this makes me evil, I know it... She is probably about 400 pounds, and I am pretty sure she has lost over a hundred on her diet... I look at her face, and I see beauty under it all, I really do, but God, see her from behind, and I almost wanna lose my lunch...

Unfortunately, I still ate... and I ate what felt like a LOT, but comparitivly speaking, it was better than I would have done before... I had 2 peices of homemade hawaiian pizza probably 2 inch by 3 inch rectangles. It was made on garlic bread ... At least it felt like it. A small salad, probably a half a cup of fruit, and a bite of pasta salad. THEN CAME DESERT... I already said that they had pineapple cheesecake, which is just amazing... They also had cake that my friend made from scratch...It was good, but the frosting wasn't great, but fondant never is... I am a buttercream girl, myself! :) (I also make/decorate cakes from my mother-in-law's recipe) SO MUCH BETTER... Thank M-i-L not me... I just follow what she says. So anyway... Back to confessions... I then proceded to have a glass of iced coffee, as well as a Pepsi.

That would not have been so bad if that was all I had eaten all day. But breakfast was leftover pasta, that I KNEW when I got a to-go box, I should have just thrown it out. Lunch was a turkey sandwich and some (10ish) teddy grahams. THEN, when I got home, I had about a half-3/4 cup of leftover alfredo that my husband left in the fridge... When I binge, I BINGE, right?! Not purging tonight... Wouldn't help much anyway... It's all been down for too long.

Hubby and I stayed up late watching true blood, and I told him I wasnt tired. Truth is, I am exhausted, but I needed to confess, so tomorrow can be BETTER! I should just not eat tomorrow, and I may not... It depends on how the day goes. But Monday-Wednesday = NO MORE FOOD! Wednesday is probably a water only day. I think that is how the plan was, except I wasn't supposed to eat a fucking house today... Just 1000 cals... Fuck me! I HATE IT... I did get some exercize today... Not strenuous or anything... Just helping with weeding my neighbours patio, but I just wanted to chat and get to know her... She is really nice. About my size, but she wears it so much better than I do... I still think she is pretty, but not me. Tomorrow if I have time, I have to go out and do my patio too... It looks really bad.

So, what I want to know is WHY do I let myself do this... Eat til I want to be sick with the amount of food? Sad part is that I actually still want to eat! I don't think I am "hungry" I just want to eat. Maybe, cause I am emotional right now after looking at those pictures... I don't know. God, I need help. I am fucked up in the brain!

I hate the day to day shit... You know. Dishes, laundry, sweeping the floor after the kids eat, vacuuming... The mundane, robotic shit that has to be done every day so your house doesn't look like an episode of Horders... It depresses me, yet this is the path I have chosen. I am so fucking worn out... I need a break! Vacation was really REALLY hard on me. My hubby doesn't get it... I just want to run away and cry, and sleep, and drink, and starve, and eat, and cut... NO, not cut... I don't do that anymore... Hubby HATES IT! He can't stand if anyone hurts me-even myself, and he sees me naked, so I can't hide them... Trust me, I have tried... Sometimes I hate him... Hate him for being so Fucking perfect! That doesn't make sense...But somehow, to me it does... But then, I love him, I love him for being so perfect for me. We really do complement eachother very well.

Gotta weigh myself... 212? ...Shit, 213.2! I wanna eat... *opens fridge and freezer* grabs a "pop-ice" God, I suck! Could be worse, right- coulda been my husband's chocolate... Tomorrow I really shouldn't eat... I feel the "CYCLE" coming back on... Eat, feel like shit, eat somemore to cope with feeling like shit, gain weight, feel like shit, eat even MORE...

I know what this is, and why it is happening today... Hubby and I had a ...tiff... this morning about stupid shit... Right after I ate... Not smart on his part. I was already cranky. He asked me what I wanted to do today, and I told him I didn't know, what did he want to do today?... He said, we could take the kids outside, and I said, I didn't want to go outside. I don't like being outside. TOo many bugs... He blows up about not wanting us to sit around and watch TV like we apparently do everyday. I reminded him that is not true and asked him to make suggestions of stuff to do... He goes off about how it has taken me a week to get the laundry from our trip done, and the house is not spotless, and all I do all day is sit around and watch TV... Which is not true. I will say the tv is on most of the day, but I am not always watching it. So, I got the kids dressed in swim gear, and went outside. He came out later, and I escaped to the neighbours for a while and helped her work on her yard.

I wanted to say instead, "SO, pretty much what you are telling me is that I am not doing a good enough job, because I have not gotten our house spotless, and the laundry (which took about 10 loads to wash btw) was not done and put away before yesterday,(less than a week after we had been home) and I hadn't taken the kids outside to play, and I didn't take the kids to the library or a spash park, or something to get social interaction, or whatever the hell else I am supposed to do as a SAHM... Which in my mind adds up to 'I'm a failure, and I suck as a wife and a mother'. Thank you very much asshole" God, I hate him sometimes...

Nah, I really do love him. He is good to me. He is good to our kids. He loves me unconditionally... Overall, I really do have a good relationship with him... Just today was bad. We will talk about this all tomorrow, and I will tell him how he made me feel, and he will tell me he loves me, and why he was acting like that, and we will be fine. I will feel better until next time when he says something stupid that makes me feel like an inferior child that will never be able to please him

(Under 18 should skip the italicized part...)






outside the bedroom... Thank God, I can still do that, altho, he still desires the open relationship thing, but I like it too, and he's pretty much PERFECT, so... Yeah.

There for a while, the fat was distracting for him... BTW, ladies, NEVER ask your significant other if your body is a turn off... The answer may make you want to shoot yourself in the face... I believe in honesty, but seriously, come on! But I think it is better now.

It still haunts me... I think it always will... Any time he can't finish for whatever reason, WHich IS NOT often, anytime he turns me down cause he's "tired"... I will always wonder. I could look like, fucking Keira Knightley, and I would still think it was because of my body.

(Ok, it is safe again.)

God, I have a lot of thoughts tonight... I could ramble on for probably hours more tonight... But you all probably don't have time to read that... :)
And I want to catch up on some of your posts. :)

remember:
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY, and TOMORROW will be AWESOME!

AnaNae

Sorry.

Unfortunately, on the weekends I dont have much time to post, but during the week, there will be more. Thanks for following my blog! It helps to know I am being heard! ;) More soon,PROMISE!

AnaNae

Oh, and party went terrible! Ok, so not the party in and of itself, just the food. They had pineapple cheesecake, only my FAVE THING in the whole world! UUURG! I didn't eat a whole lot, and I tried to focus on salad and fruit, but I did have some chicken, and some cake and cheesecake, and some iced coffee, and a NON-diet pepsi... Tomorrow will be better tho, and Monday will be Perfect!

Muwah!

Update

207.2 this morning. Its a loss, I guess... I was expecting better. Not much time... GOtta be off of here before hubby wakes up. Did good yesterday. No food. That's it folks. :) False alarm...
Oh, and i am letting myself eat today. I have a birthday party I am expected to go to, and I know people will be weird if I don't eat. I will probably not be eating tomorrow tho to make up for it. Sorry this has to be short... I have a zillion things on my mind, But I don't want Hubby, call him H finding out about this part of my decision to change. I have been updating him on my weights, and he seems to be liking the results of my "diet" My stomach is a lot flatter- even more so today than yesterday. I feel bloated and puffy, like when I was pregnant... So, maybe I actually weigh less, but I just have a ton of water weight to lose. IDK. :) Goal is to not eat much before I go to the party today, then I can eat while im there. He's up gotta go.

WOOT!

Yes, I am a dork... You will get over it! LOL!

20-freakin-7.4 this morning!!! OMG! I feel so much better already! My stomach still hangs down when I am not sucking in, and when I suck in/flex, I still have a crease, so I am no where near done yet... My skin on my stomach is all wrinkly too, because of all the stretch marks... My belly button looks like fireworks... There's your thinspo for the day, friends! DON'T GET OBESE>>>IT DOES TERRIBLE THINGS TO YOUR BODY! So what, I have had 2 kids... That isn't an excuse, because I have seen women that have had 4 kids one being a newborn that were a size 6 or lower...

So, I just bought new pants... They are a size 18. BLECH!!! When I started, a 22 was tight, so progress has been made, but my ultimate goal is to be a 6, which is what I was when I met my husband. That means, I would be about 125-130. I know that is where some of you are now, and are trying to lose more, and maybe when I get there, it won't be enough, but it's a goal, right... First, I have to get under 200! At this rate, I should be under 200 by early next week! OMG! I can't wait!

I did 3 days without food, so I can do anything! I think the plan for today is water and 0 cal drinks for most of the day, and then at mealtimes, I can have something other than that... So 3x today, I can have 1 glass of something other than water/tea. I think I am going to try that. See if we can't speed this along...

Thanks for the support! I couldn't do this without you! There are too many thoughts running around in my head, and I have to share them with someone. My husband tries to help, but that usually just pisses me off, because I just take it as I am not good enough for him...

He suggested I try counceling the other day to move past my C.E.D. He says there is some deeprooted reason why I binge, and I can never get better til I move past that. I think I agree with him. I am fighting the symptoms, not the problem itself. He thinks I am afraid of being attractive, due to the fact I was sexually abused as a child. That may be partly true. I don't think that is all of it, because I do like being noticed...Sometimes.

Idk...

AnaNae

God Damnit!!!

So, my friend asked me and my husband to dinner tonight... FUCK! SO, I had to eat. (EXCUSE) I had half of an order of this pasta stuff, and some bread, and a bunch of french fries...And some chips and spinach artichoke dip... God, when you put it all out there like that It is a fuck-load! Totally planning on purging as soon as I know the coast is clear. My husband keeps coming down here, and I know he would be mad about that... So, I may do something different than the 14 day thing, because I am weak, and I can't keep it up that long... Gotta have reasonable goals when I am just starting out. New plan may look something like this.

Day 1:Eat <1000 Cals - Sunday
Day 2:Liquid only - Monday
Day 3:Liquid only - Tuesday
Day 4:Water/0 Cal Fast - Wednesday
Day 5:Eat Veggies - Thursday
Day 6:Eat <1000 cals - Friday
Day 7: Eat <500 cals - Saturday

BTW, Yes, I am mad at myself for eating today, mainly because I said I was not going to, but I am also DAMN proud of the 3 and a half days with out a single bite! And I know it doesn't sound like it, but for me, I did use restraint at the restaurant. I ate just a few chips with the dip, and probably 15 fries. less than half of my meal, and I gave part of my bread to my kids. (Excuse)
We will see about the weigh in tomorrow... I was fucking 212 when I weighed after I got back from the restaurant.

Tomorrow is a no eating day... Not even a bite. Not one... Nothing even just for the taste and spit out... I also am going to focus more on tea and water tomorrow instead of all the other crap I have been drinking. I gotta take care of dinner, then I am off to bed...

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY!

UUURRRG!

So, my husband just came home for lunch from work and ate probably a box and a half of macaroni and cheese. Just scarffed it down, barely breathed between bites. That should disgust me, right? I was somewhat grossed out by the sight, but what I was more grossed out by is that I was so freaking jealous of him! I wanted SO bad to grab even just a small, maybe half cup of mac and cheese and eat with him. I didn't, and that is because of you... You keep me accountable. But I wanted to SO bad! I was questioning wether this was even worth it... He reminded me that progress is progress, and .8 lbs a day for a week is a lot of weight to lose... I know... Still, I just want ONE FREAKING BITE! But for me, that is how it starts... One bite breaks my entire resolve... One bite one day turns into one bite twice a day the next day, and so on... I did have a bite of chicken earlier today that I spit out... I just wanted to chew something... I am not counting it as an official "bite" altho, I wish I wouldn't have done that, cause now it makes me want it more. Day 4 of 14, and I am already questioning if I can do this... I keep telling myself, I have to at least make it a week! ONE FREAKING WEEK OF MY LIFE... How short of a span compared to the expanse of my entire life, and I still don't think I can spend it without my Best-friend, FOOD. Well, That friend hurt me. That friend told me lies... I hate it!

I can already feel the withdrawl coming on... I am starting to shake, I have a headache, I feel weak all the time, and I am bitchy like never before! I am also having a pretty painful cramp in my side under my ribs... I try to keep telling myself these things are positives, and I can't get better without them... But GOD, I just want a Bite of SOMETHING! I am pathetic! I am not even a 3rd of the way thru this, and I already want to quit. NOT THIS TIME. I can do this, at least a week. At the end of a week, I can evaluate my loss, and go from there...

Look at me... Already making plans to quit early... TO give up... 2 weeks without a single bite of food IS a long time, and so is a week. But is it enough time to break me from this obsession, or is it just going to grow over time... The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder thing? I don't know. It is too soon to tell, and that is why I can't give up now! I did 3 days, and now, I am going to do 4. And tomorrow, I am going to go 5...

I am going to go take a bath and shelter myself from the overwhelming desire to sit in front of the TV with the rest of the mac and cheese, 2 hotdogs (which is how many are left in the open pack in our fridge) and a turkey sandwich for extra measure...

I just keep telling myself that it will be worth the pain once I am under 200, and even more so once I hit goal!

Day 3

209.6 This AM. I was hoping for less, but I will take the losses I get! Day 3 was also a success on the not eating front. My stomach is just starting to growl today. I think that is a good sign, altho, I still don't like that feeling yet... I want to embrace it, yet, I still feel an overwhelming desire to make it go away! Time for something to drink, I guess.

My husband is still supportive, altho he asked me the other day if I was sure it was a good idea to torture myself like this... I said no... He gave me a hug. Usually when he tries to help, it makes me want to eat more, but I didn't eat that time! :) Progress?

My thoughts are jumbled at the moment, so more later if I have time. :)

Ananae

210.4 today. And that was after half of a Jamoca Shake from Arby's. Not sure if that counts as a liquid, but I am counting it, and It is also the only thing I have drank today aside from a sip of orange juice to get my diet pills down this morning. People are noticing my weight loss. That feels good! Not as good as it will feel to reach my goals, but really freaking good nonetheless. I had a second day where I didn't eat a single bite all day! I am not sure if I am going to be able to do that today, but I am going to try. I have been really crabby, and tired... Withdrawl, I suppose. I got my kids Arby's popcorn chicken today, and I am so freaking tempted to have their left overs, but I am not going to. I am going to put them in the fridge for them to eat later.

Wish me luck with the whole not eating three days in a row thing. I have never done that before. Heck, like I said before, I have never even gone a whole day before... This is awesome! Is it bad that I am counting down the days til I can eat again? Yes, it is... I wish I didn't care about eating, and that is the goal of this whole 14 day thing... To not care about food anymore. I have lost 5 pounds in 2 days. That is pretty cool, but I still have a long way to go! No giving up yet! Not allowed. :O)

That's all for now...

AnaNae

Wannarexic.

Something has really been bothering me today after reading some blogs... The term Wannarexic... I assume it is talking about girls that are fat that want to starve themselves to be thin, but don't have the discipline it takes to actually do it. I assume since I am fat, I fall into that category... What people don't realize, is that "wannarexics" have an ED too. It is called compulsive eating disorder...

"Compulsive eating disorder, also called a binge eating disorder is characterized by an addiction to food. An individual suffering with compulsive eating disorder has episodes of uncontrolled eating or bingeing, during which he or she may feel anxious and panicky. The person may continue to eat even after becoming uncomfortably full. The binge is typically followed by a period of guilt and/or depression. Unlike bulimia, those with compulsive eating disorder typically do not purge themselves with vomiting, laxative use, or excessive exercise."

http://www.edtreatmentcenters.com/compulsive-eating-disorder.php

"Addiction
During binges compulsive overeaters might consume anything from 5000 to 15000 kilo calories in a day, which results as an addictive "high" not unlike those experienced through drug usage, and a release from psychological stress. In bulimics, this high may be intensified by the act of purging. Researchers have speculated there is an abnormality of endorphin metabolism in the brain of binge eaters that triggers the addictive process. This is in line with other theories of addiction that attribute it not to avoidance of withdrawal symptoms, but to a primary problem in the reward centers of the brain. For the Compulsive Overeater, the ingestion of trigger foods causes release of the neurotransmitter, serotonin. This could be another sign of neurobiological factors contributing to the addictive process. Abstinence from addictive food and food eating processes causes withdrawal symptoms in those with eating disorders. There may be higher levels of depression and anxiety due to the decreased levels of serotonin in the individual.[2]

There are complexities with the biology of compulsive eating that separate it from a pure substance abuse analogy. Food is a complex mixture of chemicals that can affect the body in multiple ways, which is magnified by stomach-brain communication. In some ways, it may be much more difficult for compulsive overeaters to recover than drug addicts. There is an anecdotal saying among Overeaters Anonymous members that "when you are addicted to drugs you put the tiger in the cage to recover; when you are addicted to food you put the tiger in the cage, but take it out three times a day for a walk."[2]

The physical explanation of compulsive overeating may be attributed to an overeaters' increased tendency to secrete insulin at the sight and smell of food, though medical evidence supporting this is controversial.[3] Some researchers[who?][weasel words] also attribute it to excessive neurological sensitivity in taste and/or smell."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_overeating


Emotionally, this is the same as ana, mia, or any other EDNOS. We feel like we are not good enough at the weight we currently are at, and feel helpless to change it.

I have suffered from this for the past 6 years. I literally was addicted to food. I craved food the same way a heroin addict craves his next fix or whatever it is called. It is scientifically proven that the human body releases the same chemicals when someone has a sugar/food addiction as a heroin addiction. What would you tell a smoker or a drug addict that wants to quit? You would tell them to stop, right? You wouldn't tell them, oh, just cut yourself down to 3 times a day, and you will be fine for the rest of your life, You tell them to QUIT.

The point of where I am going with this is that SO WHAT if someone WANTS to be anorexic... SO WHAT if they WANT to have CONTROL? SO WHAT if they feel a need for drastic measures in changing their life... Why wouldn't someone seek help from people who are feeling the same way they are, and actually have proven methods of acheiving their goals. Why wouldn't they want to get support from people who understand how it feels to hate their bodies so much, they would do almost anything, include emaciate themselves to make that feeling go away.

Why is what I am choosing to do any different from them? I have an addiction. I want to quit. I have to stop. I need Ana. No, I do not want it, I need it. I will never reach my goals without it, because I can't break that addiction any other way; I am too easily discouraged about my body for it to take years...

I don't actually consider myself anorexic even though I haven't eaten in 2 days. Anorexics by definition are usually quite small and still starve themselves due to a distorted body image, or unrealistic expectations for their body frame. I am actually obese, and I do not have unrealistic expectations of how thin I want to be, Therefore not an anorexic.

But my wanting to use Ana to acheive my goals, please don't criticize that. A means to an end so they say.

You don't criticize me for wanting to better myself with the only means I know works fast, and I won't criticize you for wanting to be unhealthily small. k? k.

Much love,

AnaNae

Obesity Stats... vs. Anorexia Stats

58 Million Overweight;
40 Million Obese;
3 Million morbidly Obese
Eight out of 10 over 25's Overweight
78% of American's not meeting basic activity level recommendations
25% completely Sedentary
76% increase in Type II diabetes in adults 30-40 yrs old since 1990



8 million Americans have an eating disorder – seven million women and one million men
One in 200 American women suffers from anorexia
Two to three in 100 American women suffers from bulimia
Nearly half of all Americans personally know someone with an eating disorder
An estimated 10 – 15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are males


I find it interesting Obesity is more prevalent than anorexia, and no one tries to rehabilitate the fatties. Why is that?

Sweet, Sweet Success! (Day 2)

I am down 213.4 this am with clothes on. Which means I am down about 2 pounds in a day! Man, I love this!

So, I had a HUGE success yesterday! For the first time in my life, I went an entire day from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep without a single bite, or nibble of solid food! I was in control. I made a decision, and I didn't give in to temptation! I can do this! I have done a liquid diet before, and every single day, I ate a bite of something, til at the end, I was having so many "bites" of stuff, I could no longer call it a liquid diet. This time is going to be different. I am in control.

I am really swollen today... My feet hurt and feel like huge sausages everytime I walk, but that should be gone by tomorrow. I did some major damage while I was on vacation. I can't wait for everyone to see me next year! I am going to be freaking HOTT! Maybe...

And I say maybe, because I am actually hoping to get pregnant in September. My prayer is Twin Boys, and if that happens, I will have to eat enough to support a twin pregnancy. But before then, I have to get down to 180. I told myself after I had my 2nd baby, that I would be 180, or in the range of 180-185 before I got pregnant again, and by God, I am going to be a success at something I set my mind to for once! That is 30 pounds from where I am now, in 2 and a half months. That means, 50-60 days, which is a half a pound a day. Still do-able. Hard, but do-able. With Ana's help, that is... ;) If I can only gain 20-30 pounds with my pregnancy, which is a healthy amount for someone who is already overweight, I will be right on track when I deliver to keep going with this diet. And I think we will probably change our plans for vacation next year to be gone around Christmas or Thanksgiving instead of the 4th of July, so I should have no problem being around 160 by then, which is what I was when I got married, and only 35 pounds from ultimate goal!

Today is going much better than yesterday already! I have not had anything yet, and it is 10am... I am actually not hungry at all. I will probably have a glass of milk, and my diet pills this morning and then go get the babies up. I have a ton of laundry to put away from vacation. Uggg. I hate laundry.

Anyways... Wish me luck on day 2... I went a whole day without anything, Lets see if I can go 2! :)

AnaNae

Day 1

So it is 11:00 am, and I am already hungry... Had some iced tea so far, so I could take my vitamins and pills. I am a stay at home mom, and my hardest time is when I have to feed my kids! I desperately want to have just one cheerio, but I know me... If I break this soon, the whole thing is off! Maybe this evening, I can have some carrots or something but not yet... I will just keep snacking the whole day if I start now! SO Not happening! I think it is time for some milk (skim, of course)... That should give my tummy something to digest. I think I am going to take the kids outside before it rains... Keep me away from the fucking refrigerator! For lunch, I am having one of my favorite things: A huge glass of water, with 3 Chicken bullion cubes in it (15cal total) and a dash of ceyenne pepper. MMMMMmmmm! Soup!!! Then dinner tonight is a protein drink... Chocolate flavored! So, I just got back from a 2 week long vacation, and I gained, like, a LOT!!!! I knew I would... 2 weeks of eating out, and not counting cals, or points or anything... Eating WHATEVER I wanted! So I weighed this am, and I was 215.4 or something, but I just re-weighed, and I am 214.6 with clothes on... That is encouraging! Still, who gains freakin 9 pounds in 2 weeks?! I fucking hate my appetite! I literally could eat 3,000 cals, and it wouldn't even phase me. I'd still be hungry, but like my Mother-in-law says, "I'm Hungry even when I eat, so I would rather be hungry and skinny, than hungry and fat"... I must agree. I am trying to get my mind to embrace the feeling of hunger as a good thing... Not as something that I need to eat to get rid of. God, that is hard! Gotta figure out my exercise tho. We are just a little strapped for cash at the moment, or I would go join our community gym. My neighbour works out every single day, so he said he would take me with him when he goes. I just can't afford it yet. I guess I will have to do what I can with cutting cals. I will probably be able to get to about 190 without it, but it will be too slow... Maybe I can find some good workout DVD's at the library or something. Enough for now...

Ana-Nae

Gotta love Wikipedia...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compulsive_overeater

The signs describe me perfectly!

I love the quote: "when you are addicted to drugs you put the tiger in the cage to recover; when you are addicted to food you put the tiger in the cage, but take it out three times a day for a walk."

The Beginning

I hate hating myself. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I am looked at. It is time I take control of my life and my weight. Currently, I am about 210. I have tried to lose it healthy... you know, a pound a week, or whatever the doctors tell you you are supposed to. I can't do that. I am too easily discouraged! I need to be seeing results. My friend and I started losing weight together, and I have lost 15 pounds, and she has lost around 60, because she doesn't eat. Those are the results I want! So those are the results I am going to get. I am tired of it!

So, a little about me if anyone actually follows me on this thing... I am 24, a mother of 2 and hopefully more, and happily married to the man of my dreams. Until I was 18, I never struggled with my weight. I was a healthy, muscular, 128-135. When I went on birth control, I gained about 30-50 pounds in about 6 months, and overall until around November of last year, 115. I have lost about 30 since then. The chemicals in them really did mess me up mentally. I was suicidal for no reason whatsoever. I couldn't stop eating, I had no motivation to do anything. It completely changed me. I am much better now, but I have 5 years of bad habits to break now.

There for a long time, the cravings were so bad that I couldn't walk into the kitchen without eating something! Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches being the worst! I have been on WW for a while, and those are like, 9 points or something outrageous like that! I would have 1 or 2 each time I walked into the kitchen. Trust me, for those of you that eat like, 500 cals, that probably makes you want to puke for me! ;-( I know. Disgusting right?!

Today, I did ok. I did liquids most of the day, but I had some chocolate from vacation that I had to get eaten up. No, I could not throw it away. I am not there yet. Hopefully soon! I envy those of you who are at your goal, and are maintaining. I find it interesting that the people who appose Ana-mia the most are fat. I think they all secretly envy your discipline. I know I do. I wish I could not eat when I tell myself I am not going to! I wish I could manage my calorie intake and outtake so well that I never gain a single pound. I wish I could go more than a month without a binge/cheat day! I figure, I just need to start craving that control more than I crave the food. Let that be my outlet when I am feeling angry, sad or frustrated. Control.

The part for me that is hardest to get past is the mental part. I can't get out of my mind what I used to look like. I know I need to focus on the changes I have already made: I have lost 30 pounds, and pretty much kept it off. I weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant with my children. I recently saw pictures of myself that were taken in August of last year, and I barely recognized myself. I was so disgustingly fat! Granted, I had just had 2 babies in under a year, but still... No wonder people tell me how good I look now, but still, it it feels meaningless to me, because it is still 60 pounds to go til I am at the top end of my "healthy range." and 85 to reach my goal!

I am starting small with this... I am the kind of person that feels the need to do things perfectly, and when I make it too hard, and "fail" I give up. So the plan is 14 days of liquids. I will probably allow carrots and celery or lettuce if I absolutely need it. But the goal is no solid food by the end of it. 14 days is do-able. My husband is supportive of my "liquid cleanse," so he will be able to help me with it for that time. When I get thru that, I will eat small things for two weeks. I am expecting to lose about 10-15 pounds during that time. After I am done with the next 28 days, I will assess how it went and probably start over. Just do that monthly cycle over and over until I reach goal, and once I am there, I can start eating real food again in extreme moderation.

Wish me luck, and if you have any tips, or encoragement. Please leave comments. :)
Ana-Nae