Long time no type-y...

I am NOT PREGNANT anymore!!! I ended my pregnancy at a disgusting 261 pounderoos... Yep. But I have lost 22 lbs since the 9th as of yesterday morning. I was 238.0 when I weighed yesterday. I am 8 pounds from my start weight on this pregnancy. :) My baby girl had complications breathing when she was first born, and we were in the hospital for 12 days. She is thankfully much better now, but that put a stall on my ability to exercise. I am hoping I can start on that tomorrow morning, but it depends on the baby and if she will actually let me sleep at all tonight. I already feel like a new person, even tho I have a very long way to go, but I can do this! My goal was to be under 200 by January, and at the rate I have been going, I should have no problem reaching that! I am honestly not really hungry anymore... I am eating what is a normal, healthy amount to lose 2lbs a week, and I am doing that comfortably. I have no desire to self-destruct anymore, which is amazing...

LIfe other than my wt loss has been Hell tho... Not only was my little one in the hospital, but I just found out a couple days ago that my husband has been having an emotional affair with the girl he knocked up... I told him after they got thru the emotion of the miscarriage, that I didn't want him talking to her anymore, and he continued to not only talk to her, but also flirt sexually with her over text messaging and phone calls behind my back... We were at the point where we were seriously discussing divorce, because he was mad at me for being crazy and self-destructive and pushing him away for 5 years. I wanted to make things work, since I am a different person now, and he just needs to give me time to show him that... But then this happened... I am hurt, but I am still willing to work things out... I think it is more for the kids' sake right now than for my own, but I still love him... I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again... This cut deep. He broke a promise that when I said I wanted the open marriage to be over that he would stop... I can work past this, but it will take a long time and a lot of work. We have both been hurt by eachother, but I still believe we are supposed to be together, so I am willing to try.

On top of that, my mom asked about stuff and I told her everything, from the open marriage to me being bisexual, and all of that... She was cool about it when I told her, but now she is pissed off at both me and Toby... I don't really care tho. That is the past, and I am not going to let her bother me anymore. She is the one that is wrong for getting so upset at me... I was being real and being true to myself, and I don't really care that she doesn't like it. She needs to get over herself... She is taking it personally that we did that, and what she needs to realize is that it had nothing to do with her, so she really has no right to get mad at me...

All that shit going on, and I am not trying to hurt myself!!! Progress!!! I am working thru it all in my own way, and not using food or other self-destructive substances to cope! My life is turmoil, but I am still happy. Hurt, but happy. I still feel like I deserve the best and I deserve to be happy, adn I am not letting other people get me down!

baby is crying tho. gotta go

Ananae

WOW it's been a while!

I know it has been a really LONG time. I have been journaling on paper a lot lately. as far as my weight goes, I am gaining a normal, healthy amount for my pregnancy. I have gained a lot more than I wanted to, since I didn't want to gain any, but the baby is healthy, and that is what matters right now. When I am done with the pregnancy, I am going to be working out at the Gym again, and my goal is to lose 50-60 in 6 months. Hard, but do-able. I finally feel like I am ready for this emotionally! I am no longer self-destructive, and I am able to see my worth now... I am worth the effort, and I actually believe it. I am better able to combat the destructive thoughts... You know that veggietales movie where the lie Junior asparagus tells keeps growing and growing until it becomes a giant... Well, my negative thoughts are like those lies, and the more I keep telling myself I can't accomplish my goals, the bigger I will keep getting... So I just have to keep telling myself the positive things so that the Giant me will shrink! :)

The girl that hubby got pregnant lost the baby. (Thankfully for me) That phase in our marriage is officially over. I deserve better than to keep hurting myself. We have re-focused on each other, and our marriage is the best it has been in a long time! I have been crazy busy lately. I have been painting both of the kids' rooms. The girls' room is done, and I am working on the baby's room. I am tired and ready to be NOT PREGNANT! I miss being able to work out. I have been having some pain in my hips... They are separating due to this being my 4th pregnancy in 3 years... It makes everything hard... Walking, sitting, laying down, rolling over... Everything hurts.

I am feeling better than I have in a long time emotionally right now... I am learning a lot, changing a lot for the better. but I have kids that need fed, so I better get off of here... Here in about 7 weeks, I am going to need your support and your comments and help as I start back on my weight loss journey... I have a LONG way to go!

Remember> You are who you want to be... You are defined as you define yourself. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or who you need to me... Just be yourself and love yourself... :)

AnaNae

It's a girl!

Just found out today that it's a girl... I was really hoping for a boy, so I could be done being pregnant... I don't want to get pregnant again, but I really want a boy... I should be happy that she is healthy, right... But I was disappointed. Mainly because I don't want to have to get fat again! I wanted to be able to LOSE my weight FINALLY and for GOOD after this pregnancy!!!

But she is healthy, and she will be beautiful like her sisters! :) And I did always want 4 kids...

I guess I have to wait a ilttle longer until I am no longer disgusting, since we were planning on getting pregnant again within 6 months of this one being born. I feel like I am wasting all the time I am young being fat and ugly! By the time I finally lose all my weight, I am going to be old! THIS SUCKS!!!

But I will love this little girl too... :)

Bullet in the brain pan. Squish.

And this, ladies and gentlemen is why you don't have open marriages... The girl got pregnant and is keeping it... And wants my husband to be involved in her baby's life! And he wants to be involved in its life too... Yeah... Life sucks ass for me right now! Good news tho, I haven't gained any weight with my pregnancy yet, and I am at almost 18 weeks... So, yeah. It could be worse, right?

WORST WEEK EVER!!!!!

AnaNae

What should I do???

So, all the progress I was making internally is pretty much shot now... I have been pretty depressed lately, and I have gained about 5 pounds since I posted last... It is driving me nuts!

Basically what happened, was that I was feeling great about myself, and I was feeling strong and proud of myself and the progress I have been making and once again, my mom comes at me and discourages me... I told her that I feel like I am a good person and a lot of the things I do that aren't desireable aren't entirely my fault due to the abuse as a child and my life experiences... SHE said that I AM a bad person - because in her eyes, all people are bad, and that by saying things are not my fault, I am not taking responsibility for my actions...

Why do I let her completely undo all the progress I have made in one conversation? She makes me feel like I can't do anything right and no matter what I do, I can never be good enough. She disagrees with all the things I am learning, and I disagree with a lot of the things she taught me... This was two weeks or more ago, and I have yet to shake the residual feelings of inferiority.

I also am feeling like I need to tell her about my sexual orientation as well as about my husband and my open marriage. I feel like in keeping these things from her, I am not being true to myself, and that is going against the positive changes that have been made in my life... I can't truly be proud of myself unless I am proud enough to tell her the truth.

But it is hard, because I know it would hurt her, and she would take it personally. She would feel like she had failed as a mother, and I don't want her to feel that way, but to change just because she wouldn't approve isn't fair to myself. I have done that before, and I just felt like my life was fake and meaningless... I don't want to conform... I want to be myself. But I don't want to hurt her... and I don't want to hide anymore... WHAT DO I DO???

I kinda feel like I am at a stand still right now... I can't be happy with who I am unless I am honest with her. But I also want/need her approval, and telling her this would ruin that. Due to her religious beliefs, she would not be able to be proud of me if I told her these things. She wouldn't be able to accept me. I feel like she is accepting a lie right now, and that really bothers me.

Part of me just thinks that if I gave her time, she would learn to see the good in me, and just accept the parts she doesn't agree with. But I don't know that for sure...

HELP!

AnaNae

60th Post!!!

Wow, I can't believe it! 60 posts... In that time, my body has gotten worse, but my attitude and self-worth have hugely improved. I have stopped my desire to self-destruct... And while I haven't found the energy or drive to better myself, I am definitely making steps in the right direction.

I got an ultrasound the other day, and there is only one little peanut in there. :) I am kinda glad!!! I just hope it is a boy!!! :) I am 10 weeks and 2 days now. Right where I am supposed to be... It was so cute; I got to watch "him" move... "He's" an active little thing! :) I wish I could watch that all day everyday!!! :) I love it!

The Doctor found a cyst too, which concerns me a little, but she said that it can be normal for them to form during pregnancy, and that they usually go away on their own. She wasn't concerned, so I shouldn't be either.

We are getting ready for Christmas in our house. We re-arranged the living room yesterday, and will probably set up the tree Friday. :) I am going to start cooking for Thanksgiving today... I will probably make my casserole, since it is better the second day anyway... :) I will probably also make my gravy ahead of time too... Sorry, ladies, Enough about food...

I have started feeling a bit better with the pregnancy, so I should be able to start working out again soon! :) That is exciting, altho, I will have to take it slow at first to see how I handle it. I am not doing the spinning class... I am just going to go use the eliptical and treadmil at the community center. It will be good to go again. I have missed it... I just didn't think people around me would appreciate me getting sick while they are trying to work out! :p

The kids have kept me pretty busy lately... The little one has discovered how to get up onto the diningroom table by herself... Oh boy... She is getting TOO big!!! :)

Well, that's my update... I have lost about a pound since I posted last, and I am going to get to start working out again soon!!! :) My official goal is to gain under 10 lbs the entire pregnancy... Actual goal is to not gain a single pound, but we will see how it goes. :)

AnaNae

A light at the end of the very very long tunnel...

I haven't felt like this in my entire life... I feel happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel content. I feel confident... How did this happen? Something I thought would never happen until I was skinny again...

I wrote a letter to my mom talking about how much she had hurt me and how I can be proud of myself despite what she would think... While I was writing this letter, I guess I was just realizing that the things I do don't define me, and the pain I have caused myself isn't because I am messed up in the brain... It is because people hurt me a lot, and it was a completely natural response.

All the things I am choosing to do in my life: The open marriage, drinking, occasionally smoking *none of which I can do atm*, singing at church, loving God and wanting to serve Him, My parenting skills, and even my eating habits... They are all parts of a whole. And without one of those things, I wouldn't be me... And I LIKE me... I like who I am. I like the woman I am becoming, and I like the choices I am making. It doesn't make me a hypocrite to be bi-sexual... It is just a part of who I am. I have been bi since I was a child... The first girl I loved was when I was in 4th grade! I have always been attracted to women since I can remember...

All just parts of a whole... It has kinda become my mantra lately. I can be proud of myself even if I do things that some people would think were wrong...

Now, I am not saying that I am just going to give up on my weight loss process just because I am finally healing emotionally... I do not like the way my body looks or feels right now. I am not healthy. I can't do a whole lot about it right now, due to the pregnancy... (I am 10 weeks, and I have been feeling baby move for about 2 weeks now... Twins?) I have stopped gaining, and I have been eating less. I have been stopping when I am full, and I haven't been eating a bunch of junk... Those are the things I go overboard on durning binges... While I haven't lost, it is probably due to the pregnancy, so I can't complain.

Time to get my kids up and ready for the day tho... Just wanted to fill you in on how I have been feeling lately. Better... Not perfect; far from it, but better. And that is progress... :)

AnaNae

Discoveries:

So I have discovered: I hate everyone and everything (except my kids) and I take it out on myself by eating and cutting and berating myself. I am reading a book about PTSD, and it talks about how this is normal. It is called anger-turned-inward... It starts when you are in a situation where you cannot express your anger for one reason or another. For me, this was at the girls' home I was in. The director's wife there was a Bitch and a half, and for some reason, she hated me more than the other girls. But if I were to stand up to her, I would have been in BIG trouble, and my life would have been hell for months. So I had to bite my tongue, sometimes quite literally, and take out my anger by punching myself in the leg or scratching myself when no one was looking just to release those feelings somehow... I hate her. She is probably the person in my life who did the most damage. It is actually probably a tie between her and Bio-mom.

I also have discovered recently, (I may have already said this) that EVERYONE in my life has made me feel inferior and like I was not good enough for them and that is where most if not all of my current issues stem from. For instance:

Bio-mom chose to be with the man who sexually abused me as a child rather than keep me. Literally, she was with him for a year or two after she gave me up and only when he said he wanted to have kids with her (sick fuck) and she wouldn't did HE say he would find someone who would!!!!! OMG!!! I would NEVER do that! I would never put a man or anyone above my kids!!! If Hubby hurt my kids, we'd be gone in a heartbeat! I wouldn't put up with it. Thankfully, my hubby is a good man, and a good father, and I don't have to worry about that, but seriously... I was not good enough for her to choose me.

My adoptive mom said to me on many occasions that she wished I would go live with my grandmother and be her problem... And one occasion, she said that when she prayed for a daughter, this [I] was not what she had pictured. I was not a good enough daughter because I was not perfect, and I had issues.

At the girls' home, I could NEVER do anything right, and the director's wife always assumed the worst about me (so did adoptive mom). My art work sucked, I was fat, I was "the worst girl they ever had" which I don't understand, because I was one of the FEW that didn't have a ton of secrets. Amongst the girls, I was one of the good ones! All I EVER wanted was to be her friend, and have her see me for who I was, but she could never do that... I was never good enough for her to like me.

When I got back from the girls' home, I was finally the daughter my mom always wanted, until I met my (now) husband, and I had sex with him. I was no longer perfect, so therefore, no longer good enough...

And now, My husband considers me a 5 on the "man-scale" and has issues with how I choose to parent, and my house is never clean enough, and so, I am not a good enough wife for him...

WOW. No wonder I hate myself. All my life, I have been taught that I am worthless, and I am broken, and I am never going to be good enough, so why on earth wouldn't I believe it!

The counseling and the books I am reading are trying to help me thru this. TO re-think, and re-learn, and put the anger that others have made me feel onto them... For instance, My mom was wrong for saying those things, and it is ok for me to be mad at her. I should not blame myself for her saying those things, because she was the one who was wrong. You just don't say those things to children. I never would, and she shouldn't have. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, no matter what I did or didn't do that prompted her to say them. It was HER bad, and SHE was wrong, not me...

My husband should NEVER say those things. A man should never tell a woman she is less than attractive, even if it might be true, because in doing so, it could destroy her sense of self-worth. We are hard enough on ourselves as women- we don't need men making it worse. HE was wrong for saying those things and being insensitive. While they may be true, He is not justified in saying what he said...

Director's wife was just a mean, bitter, hateful, angry, controlling woman who had no business being in a position of "ministry". She was wrong in how she treated me. I didn't deserve her animosity. I never did. I wasn't the bad person in that situation. She was. She was wrong for treating me and the rest of the girls how she did.

My mother is a selfish, lonely, woman who gave up the best things in her life so she could live her life the way she wanted. Her decision to give me up had nothing to do with me. She did that because she was selfish, and it was wrong of her to do that. I can't believe that she didn't want me... She just didn't want the responsibility of raising a child.

I was raised as a Christian, I have come to HATE Christianity's views on a lot of things. That we are supposed to believe that we are terrible people, and deserve the bad things that happen to us because we are sinful... No wonder so many christians have issues with depression and anxiety, and all that... we are taught from little kids in Sunday school that we are bad people and we deserve the worst punishment ever even thought of: Hell. I do believe we are not perfect people, and that is why we need Christ, but why do we have to make it about what we do or do not do... Why can't we just accept that it is because of the perfection of God, that we need a perfect Savior. Not because we are terrible people that will never be good enough... It isn't about us... It is about God, and His glory... Just my opinion. We can't ever be perfect on our own, and guess what, we aren't expected to... That is why we have a Savior... He was perfect for us, and sacrificed himself so that we could join him in heaven...

I know some of you might not be religious, and forgive me for getting into all of that if you aren't, but this has just been on my mind a lot lately. I get frustrated with the things I have been taught; what I mentioned above, that humility is hating yourself and thinking everyone else is better than you are, that being a christian is all about following a set of rules and regulations...

ANYWAY... I think this is enough for now... I just have a lot to figure out, and a lot to work thru. There has been an extensive amount of trauma in my life, and therefore, there is an extensive amount of damage to heal, but I am worth it, because I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. Now if I can just get to where I can believe all of that...

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I have stopped gaining, and I have even lost about 4 pounds, and I haven't even been trying! Things are starting to get a little better, I guess.

Love yourselves ladies, and make yourselves the best you can be because you are worth the effort. :)

AnaNae

I need help.

I suck. I hate my husband. I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone. *Except my kids... I love them.* I am just having a really hard time right now. I haven't had sex in probably 2 weeks or more. Pretty much since the day he said I was a 5.

Oh... And I said I would post a picture of me.

If you know me in RL, please message me privately to let me know. :)

I need your help ladies...

Is anyone out there? I really am having a terrible time lately... I have been uncontrollable. I haven't been doing the things I know I need to do... Why? I am lazy. I am scared. I am selfish. I am angry. I am busy. I am tired. I am pregnant. I am unhappy. I am weak... My therapist says that since I had to be so strong as a child, the PTSD is making the feelings I should have been having back then come to the surface now. I wasn't scared then, so now I am... I wasn't weak then, but now I am... My defense mechanisms are disolving, because I don't need them anymore. I am now able to handle the bad stuff from my past. I was strong growing up because I had to be... Now, I don't have to be, and so I feel weak. I was fearless then, because the fear would have killed me, and now I feel scared all the time...

I HATE it... I want to be strong again. I want to be fearless again. I want to be determined again. I want to be who I was before out of necessity... I want that girl to come back, and this pitiful, weak, wimp, coward to go away... I am just so tired... So tired. I can't explain the fatigue. I wish I could... But I can't... i literally could sleep 12 hours and wake up exhausted... I am finding that I don't have the energy to do what I need to do at the gym... I am SO tired... My muscles feel like they aren't working anymore... My brain is running at half speed... Everything has just slowed down inside me...

Probably the pregnancy, I know...

I am sorry that I used to be so positive, and uplifting... PTSD and Clinical Depression are a Bitch...

I really hope this doesn't last much longer... I don't think I can handle it anymore! Especially since things are rocky with the hubby... He isn't my support system anymore... We fought BAD again tonight... He told me to get out... I refused... HE compared me to the people who hurt me in the past, and I was so pissed I literally wanted to hit him or stab him or something... I wanted nothing more than to hurt him... Which is becoming a popular theme... I think had he come any where near me tonight after he said what he said, i would have started hitting him, and I don't think I could have stopped... I really am not a violent person... I have never hit anyone except my brother when we were little...

I wish I could just leave for a while... I am so tired...

WOW, Really?!

So, I asked my husband to rate me on a scale of 1-10... I was thinking I'd be about a 7. I am fat, so I can't be any higher than that, but I am by no means ugly. I still have a beautiful face with very well proportioned features, and nice hair... HE FUCKING SAID I WAS A 5!!!!! Maybe a 6... WHAT?!!!! OMG! He has rated girls that I thought were hideous as 7's!!! This is one of those days that I just have to focus on the fact that even tho he can be a complete ass hole sometimes, he is my husband, and I have chosen to love him for the rest of my life. But OMG! I wanted to cut him... I literally wanted to cause him physical pain! I should post a picture of what I look like in RL on here. Of course it would only be my face... The rest of me is disgusting... Let you ladies rate me... My god, I have to better than a Fucking 5!!! THe things we put up with for love... You know what my one thought is, and it is terrible, I know. But I can't help thinking that if he can't appreciate me for who I am now, Why the HELL should I reward him for being an ass hole by losing weight and giving him what he wants?! A fucking 5... That has been spinning in my head since he said it... Maybe tomorrow, I will post what I look like...

Oh, and 2fucking30 this morning... It has been a great day to say the least!

AnaNae

ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz...

Hey, lovelies...

So, I have stopped gaining, I guess that is good. :)I am so freaking tired from this pregnancy... Seriously, I can barely stay awake for 12 hours at a time! I fell asleep in the bathtub earlier today... Growing a human is hard work!

I started a book called the Beck Diet solution. It uses cognative therapy to re-train your brain to help you lose weight. I am on day 4, and have lost maybe a pound, but I really haven't been trying at all. I am waiting until day 14 like the book says... I am going to start writing down what I eat, and the calories that are in it. Not worrying too much about "what" I am eating yet. Just counting and limiting calories. Unfortunately, I actually have to have a minimum calorie limit of 1500 for the baby's sake... I am thinking 1500-1800 is a good range. I burn about 1700 on a normal day without working out, and you are supposed to add 300 for the baby... So, I should be fine, and not gain, if not actually lose, because I will still be working out, and I am not allowing extra cals for that... Those days, the baby can take what I am eating, and I can use my fat... :) (Works for me)

I have had to modify my workouts. I have to keep my heartrate under 140bpm. Which is actually good. That is prime heartrate for fat burning... And that is what I need... I am pretty strong, so I don't need too much strength or endurance training. It should be a good thing, but I am finding it hard to hold myself back... I want to feel my pulse pounding in my ears! But that is dangerous for Baby.

My sessions with Dr. L are going well. I really like her. She is helping me deal with my past so I can move on and allow myself to succeed in life. I am tired of self-sabotaging on purpose, and she is going to help me with that. I feel better emotionally. More stable, I guess... My moods aren't swinging quite as far as they were there for a while. AND, I am pregnant, which means that I am going to have moodswings due to hormones anyway, so some of what I am experiencing now is normal.

Hubby and I are good. I have gained a lot of weight back, but he is still being supportive and loving. No, he doesn't compliment me as much anymore, but he isn't being negative or degrading this time! He understands that there is more to it that simply a lack of self-control...

All in all, Life is going pretty well, except I am disgustingly fat... Like literally... 227ish... :( But I am learning in my book and my sessions with DR. L how to deal with the negative thoughts differently, so I can move on and forgive and live my life to the fullest and lose the weight and keep it all off this time! I am optimistic... I have a strong support system this time... And I am doing it the right way: Taking care of the internal struggles FIRST instead of trying to fix the outside and hoping my emotions and self-esteem would catch up!


Well, I thought I should give an update. Sorry I don't write more... I have a 1 and a 2 year old, that make it kind of hard to sit and type for any long period of time. :)

Stay strong, and learn to love yourselves for how strong you are. There are those of us that are trying to find the kind of strength you have to do the things that need to be done! (I will get there!!!)

AnaNae

Frustrating!

So, I am not sure what is going on with me... I have a couple ideas, but I am not sure. I am probably up to about 225 right now, and I can't bring myself to care. I know that I look disgusting. I know that I am unhealthy, I know that the problems I have been having sleeping lately are because of this, but yet, I am still eating a shit load of calories, and I can't seem to make myself stop. It is like there are two opposing forces in me. The me that wants to be healthy and beautiful and skinny and strong and lose weight, and there is a second force in me that makes me want to eat when I am not hungry... Tells me I am hungry after I have just eaten, and won't be satisfied with healthy food... I usually call this self-destruct mode... But I haven't been having a hard time emotionally this week. At the beginning of this week, I felt fine. I was happy, I was discovering things about myself- the good things... I was starting to love myself, and trying to be happy... But it is almost as if the better I have gotten internally, the worse I have gotten at maintaining my weight... By body is trying to make me hate myself again... WHY? Maybe because that is comfortable... I don't know how not to... I read that this is all normal when you are dealing with PTSD, -for your symptoms to get worse instead of better at first... Am I just making excuses for myself... Oh this is normal, so I can eat as much as I want and blame it on healing... I don't think it is... I think it is much deeper than that... Like I said, I feel like my body/mind is at war with itself... And the part that hates me is winning right now. And I am powerless to stop it... I don't know how to stop it. I hate it!

It has to get better at some point, right? I mean I have to heal eventually, and then I can not hate myself and self-sabotage and destruct anymore... I hope! I am tired of it! I want to be healthy for the new little life growing inside me, but I haven't been able to control my eating! It is frustrating! I am still working out 2-3 times a week, but I should even up that a bit, but I haven't. I don't want to...

Part of me wants to get better, but as time goes on, and the more I see the Doctor, the less I hear that part of me speaking...

I have upped my visits to once a week, so that when I am having meltdowns, and can't figure shit out, I don't have as long until I can talk to her about them. This week, i don't even know what is wrong. I refuse to blame it on pregnancy hormones! I can't let myself gain a ton of weight while I am pregnant because of "Hormones"...

Frustrating...

YEP!

I'm Pregnant. :)

F you ED!

So, ED has gotten the best of me in the past 2 weeks. At the psychologist, we are digging up a bunch of the shit that happened to me as a very small child... The stuff that before was subconsciously making me want to hurt myself... Now, it is conscious... I literally can and have gained like, 10 pounds in less than 2 weeks... I can't seem to stop eating. I know I am hurting my body, I look disgusting, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to care enough to stop. Food is a very temporary fix, but it has been a fix... For the short amount of time I eat, I feel better... Then it goes away, and I eat again. All of my hard work is gone now... I weigh more now than I did at the beginning of the year. It pisses me off, and I tell myself it is going to get better, but what do I do? I eat. and once again, I can't stop.

To all my ana friends on here: This is what it looks like from the other side. Instead of Ana telling me I can't eat or I will get fat, I have "Ed" telling me that if I eat, it will make the pain go away even for a little bit.

I do think I am discovering something about myself that may end up helping... A desire to be as little like my biological family particularly my mother as I possibly can be... My entire family is above 250 aside from me and a cousin. She is probably 170-180 range... I don't want to be like them! You picture the epitome of white trash, and that is my family. Filthy houses, don't take care of themselves, morbidly obese, trailer homes or apartments, but they do all have pretty nice vehicles... Granted, they are in debt because of those, but... Not a pretty picture.

I already am nothing like them in that respect... I am married to a wonderful man, we drive nice vehicles without being in horrible debt, and we have a really nice house that I keep pretty clean... It isn't always organized and toys aren't always put away, but it is not filthy, and I don't have bug problems...

My weight is the one thing that links me to them... That is why I need to sever that link... Break away from them completely!

Oh... And I think I am preggers... :) YAY!

:(

I am so tired... Tired of trying. Tired of failing... Tired of the pain. Will it ever go away?

Over a week.

I know it has been over a week since I have written anything on here. I have been journaling instead. Doing ok on eating... Eating pretty normally. I know if I ate less, I would lose quicker... I have been working out a LOT. My body looks completely different. I had a good amount of muscle before all this, but I am amazed at how much more I am developing. I am solid... I am going to be trying to get pregnant now... :) I will have to work out at a lower intensity, but that is better for burning fat anyway, so it will actually be a really good thing... I am hoping to not gain a single pound over what I am now in my pregnancy. Definitely do-able! I just have to be dilligent! :) I think once I find out I am pregnant, I am going to re-start my food/calorie journal. I had a ton of success when I was writing down everything I ate... I had calorie limits top end, and low end for optimal wt loss while still maintaining my metabolism. I lost about 30 pounds doing that right after baby 1 was born, but then I got pregnant again, and had to stop, and I have had trouble re-starting it, but I figured Start of a pregnancy, I can "do it for the Baby" instead of myself.

At the doctor, we are tackling a lot of the crap that happened to me as a child. It sucks! It is bringing back memories, and the Doctor actually wants me to "feel the pain of the memories" I don't want to... My body and mind fight it, but if it will help me, maybe I can move on...

I have been so busy lately! Swimming lessons, spinning class, gym time, doctor appointments, and my parents are coming up this weekend, so my house has to be spotless before they get here friday! GRRR!!! So stressful!!! My mom and I almost never get along, and I get so stressed when they come up here, due to potential fights, and the overwhelming need to perform perfectly for her. To pretend I am someone I am not, because if she saw the real me, she wouldn't know how to handle it!

I think that is enough for now.

AnaNae

Journal entry as promised:

I was at the dr.s office, and she asked me at one point, what it felt like when I thought about not being good enough for anyone. I said that it hurt... She told me to take that hurt, and visualize it... What does it look like? My answer: A scared little girl sitting in the corner of the room She asked me who was there, and a lot of people were. Here is my journal entry trying to make sense of all of that... To work thru that image.



* names have been altered, and {} will be used if I need to add something that is not in the journal.


"
I want to try to tackle the "picture of 'hurt'"... THe scared girl in the corner of the room:

We all know who it is, but it may be helpful to describe her?: She is about 2-4 years old. Straight blonde hair, whispy and unkempt. Her face it downcast, her eyes full of tears; unblinking. Her brow is furrowed ina slight frown. Her cheeks are a little sunken in due to malnutrition. Her teeth are clenched under lips that are trying not to tremble: trying so hard to be strong. Her almost skeletal frame is curled up tightly. She is clutching her bent legs as closely to her chest as she can. Trying desperately to hold it all together. it is not quite working. Her feet along with the rest of her body are filthy as if she had been walking barefoot and had not bathed in weeks. She almost looks tired along with the obvious sadness, and a little more subtle; fear.

She is surrounded at a distance by many people - It looks as if she is trying to get as far away from them as she can, if not disappear completely... Jennifer* {my biological mother} is there, big as ever, cigarette and a beer bottle in one hand, pool stick in the other. Harry* {the man who sexually abused me as a small child} is there, clothed, but with his hands on the top button of his pants as if to undo them. The hispanic {no I am not racist, this is just the only thing I remember about them other than what they did to me: beat me with highheels and flipflops, and shoved ice down my tights and then tried to get me to have sex with their 3 or 4 year old brother} are there, holding highheels and ice. Maria* {my aunt who took care of me as a child while all this was going on} is there, her back turned to the girl. Grandma is there, standing behind Jennifer* with her hands on her shoulders-protecting, defending, and approving her. My mom {adoptive} is there, shaking her finger and scowling at the girl. My dad is there too, standing behind my mom and looking like he wants to reach out to her but can't/doesn't know how, and {as always} he is too busy to be able to... Mary* {the dorm mother at the girls home I was in} is there, holding a big wooden paddle like she is ready to strike the girl at any chance or minor provocation. Papa/John* [the director of the girls home} is there too, holding a Bible, also looking like he wants to hit her with the Bible. Hubby is there. He is the closest to her. He tries to reach out to her, but she doesn't more or act like she notices, but he keeps getting distracted by other people in the room. There is a sea of faces behind all these people, farthest from the girl. All with looks of disapproval and disgust. Faces that pop out are Jim and Alice* my pastor from ages 8-15. James Hood*, the pastor of the church where I had accepted Christ, Stephanie Jones* not really sure why... (probably represents people from {the church I grew up in}) and All the people we called "friends" from our former church.

Next, I picture 3 girls about this girls' age that ignore everyone else in the room and walk straight over to the girl. The one reaches out a hand and pulls the first girls' arms loose from her legs and the two girls simultaneously wrap their arms around this girl hugging her tight. The girl breaks down into sobs clutching the girls as tightly an she had been her legs. Next, Hubby joins these three, wrapping his arms around them; soothing, protecting, loving...

A woman {I originally pictured my psychiatrist when I wrote this, but as it progressed, the woman changed...} comes over finally, and drops to her knees in front of this small gathering. She takes the girls' chin in her hand and lifts it until the girl looks at her. The woman smiles, and takes her hand, helping her into a standing position- Takes her jacket and wraps it around the girls' previousl unclothed body. There is nothing but love and sympathy in this womans face, and suddenly everyone else disappears... The woman bathes the little girl, gices her brand new clothes to wear, feeds her a full meal and then hugs her tightly and tells her she is loved, until thel little girl disappears completely and her fully grown self- the woman {me, but different, maybe older, more mature somehow} is the only one standing in the room. She looks so happy, yet there are tears in her eyes. She reaches out, and where her hand is, Hubby's hand followed by the rest of his body reappears, followed by H and J {my baby girls} the two little girls that loved me despite everything and everyone else. As a family, we turn together, and a door appears on one side of us and another on the other. In front of us, a line is forming: All of the people in the room: First in line, my mom and dad - they come over and stand benind my family. Next, Mary*- she goes thru the left door which is for people I am leaving behind. John* also sees the left door. Grandma gets the right door, because I believe we can make it all right again... Jennifer* = right, Maria* = left, Harry* = left, babysitters = left, Jim and Alice* = left, James Hood, = left, Firends from the different churches = split evenly between the doors. In the end, it is just my family, my parents, hubby's parents standing in the room, my mom and dad finally standing behind me as the woman I have become. (His would have been there the whole time, but they never really knew the little girl. ) I am loved as I am, and the "hurt" is gone... Finally, I feel free. Finally, my world is right side up. Finally I am only and all myself- as I want to be. I am happy, and I am content to just be happy!

If only it were that simple:
"


There you have it... Lots to ponder, lots to work thru. Hubby thinks that one of the reasons I comfort with food is because when I was little, My mother almost never fed me, so I associate the feeling of hunger with all the rest of the negative crap that happened to me when I was little... It makes sense... It also explains why I have a hard time accepting the feeling of hunger as a good thing now... I have tried. I want to want to be hungry... I would love your feedback and comments on this blog... This really is a glimpse into the depths of my soul, kinda putting it all out there... One thing I discovered is that I am the only one that can help the "little girl..." Only I can make it better for her... And my pshychologist is going to teach me how, but I have to do it.

Stay strong ladies.

Oh, and on a side note, Friend is here! It is going well... I like holding and kissing him! The rest is more for his benefit than my own... My hubby takes care of me quite well, but I am enjoying the feel of his hands on me and his lips on mine! He makes me feel small and beautiful. I like it!

Not posting my wt... Still well over 200, but working diligently at working out and attempting to gather control over the food... So hard!

AnaNae

Back on track... At least for this week...

This week, I am back ladies... <1000 cals everyday, laxies and water pills every meal, and diet pills for energy instead of calories... I am also doing a spinning class 3x a week...

I really think that the doctor will be able to help me! Already I am feeling better about myself, and allowing good things to happen! :) Discovering that I am worth the time, effort and sacrifice it will take for me to be happy! :) Later today when I have more time, i will write out lastnights journal entry... I really think it may be helpful long-term! :)

Learning to love myself: Who knew it would be this hard?