Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Long time no type-y...

I am NOT PREGNANT anymore!!! I ended my pregnancy at a disgusting 261 pounderoos... Yep. But I have lost 22 lbs since the 9th as of yesterday morning. I was 238.0 when I weighed yesterday. I am 8 pounds from my start weight on this pregnancy. :) My baby girl had complications breathing when she was first born, and we were in the hospital for 12 days. She is thankfully much better now, but that put a stall on my ability to exercise. I am hoping I can start on that tomorrow morning, but it depends on the baby and if she will actually let me sleep at all tonight. I already feel like a new person, even tho I have a very long way to go, but I can do this! My goal was to be under 200 by January, and at the rate I have been going, I should have no problem reaching that! I am honestly not really hungry anymore... I am eating what is a normal, healthy amount to lose 2lbs a week, and I am doing that comfortably. I have no desire to self-destruct anymore, which is amazing...

LIfe other than my wt loss has been Hell tho... Not only was my little one in the hospital, but I just found out a couple days ago that my husband has been having an emotional affair with the girl he knocked up... I told him after they got thru the emotion of the miscarriage, that I didn't want him talking to her anymore, and he continued to not only talk to her, but also flirt sexually with her over text messaging and phone calls behind my back... We were at the point where we were seriously discussing divorce, because he was mad at me for being crazy and self-destructive and pushing him away for 5 years. I wanted to make things work, since I am a different person now, and he just needs to give me time to show him that... But then this happened... I am hurt, but I am still willing to work things out... I think it is more for the kids' sake right now than for my own, but I still love him... I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again... This cut deep. He broke a promise that when I said I wanted the open marriage to be over that he would stop... I can work past this, but it will take a long time and a lot of work. We have both been hurt by eachother, but I still believe we are supposed to be together, so I am willing to try.

On top of that, my mom asked about stuff and I told her everything, from the open marriage to me being bisexual, and all of that... She was cool about it when I told her, but now she is pissed off at both me and Toby... I don't really care tho. That is the past, and I am not going to let her bother me anymore. She is the one that is wrong for getting so upset at me... I was being real and being true to myself, and I don't really care that she doesn't like it. She needs to get over herself... She is taking it personally that we did that, and what she needs to realize is that it had nothing to do with her, so she really has no right to get mad at me...

All that shit going on, and I am not trying to hurt myself!!! Progress!!! I am working thru it all in my own way, and not using food or other self-destructive substances to cope! My life is turmoil, but I am still happy. Hurt, but happy. I still feel like I deserve the best and I deserve to be happy, adn I am not letting other people get me down!

baby is crying tho. gotta go


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