Update

I guess life has been good lately. I have a date set with friend... the 17th of September... I also think I have a chance of finding someone for hubby so he is not lonely... I have lost about 3 pounds since talking to him, and I am about to start losing even more... I am joining a spinning class 3 times a week, and going to the gym an additional 2 days on top of that... I am also curbing my eating habits a bit more... Counceling should help me be able to keep off what I lose... Life is looking up... More later... I am making lunch for the babies and me...

Scared out of my mind!

So here in about a half hour, I am going to see the psychiatrist for the first time... I am terrified out of my mind! You have no idea! I am considering having my husband drive me there, because I am afraid. I know I can do this, but it doesn't make it less scary. Not knowing what to expect...

Things with Friend are still going very well! Hubby and I are better now. Life is looking up! Hopefully the psychiatrist will help me keep them going in the general upward direction...

I am really not in the mood to write today, which is why this is all craptastic, but I swear, an awesome blog is coming soon... :)

AnaNae

Pissed

Yeah, that's pretty much it...

PG 17... Skip if you don't want to hear about my love life...

So, I don't know what it is about this thing with "Friend" but I have not felt this good in years!!! It is probably because he thinks I am beautiful as I am... I sent him a few pictures of myself, and he says they were the hottest thing he had ever seen... He makes me feel amazing! He wants to be with me and doesn't care if I am overweight or not! I have still lost 3 pounds since he and I started talking... I have worn makeup the last 2 days, and I actually tweezed my eyebrows, whitened my teeth, and put my retainers back in... I did a yoga video last night, and I feel happy... I won't actually see him for at least another month, but he still makes me want to be better! I told hubby about our conversations as of late... I actually told him that Friend gives me something that he can't right now, and so I gave him permission to sleep with anyone he wanted because they can give him something he is missing out on in our relationship: Visual Stimulation... He has someone at work he is interested in, and I keep telling him he should ask her to lunch... He is kinda chicken tho... I don't know why.

Hubby and I will always be best friends, and we will always love eachother, but we can't fulfill eachother's every desire right now... I just accept that and find what I am missing elsewhere! I know a lot of people don't or can't understand how this works, but it does for us... I care a lot about friend, and might actually love him in a way, but it doesn't change my feelings for Hubby. It makes me love him more, I think...

I can't wait to see Friend again!!! And it feels good that he can't wait to see me either! Enough for now tho!

My thoughts... PG 17

What is on my mind? A WHOLE FREAKING LOT! I am seeking psychological help for my eating disorder. I have determined that I cannot conquer this on my own. I can't keep hurting myself with food, or I will get to the point I can't get better without drastic measures. I think my self hatred comes from something in my past, but I don't know what, and I can't fix it until I know what it is I need to fix. Eating isn't my problem... It is the symptom...

I told hubby last night that he is my trigger... The way he looks at me sometimes makes me want to eat until I can't breathe anymore. The look of disgust I see in his eyes even when he tries to hide it. I also told him that is why I have been pushing him away lately. we haven't slept together in over a week, in any sense of the words... I have been sleeping in the basement. He just makes me feel worse about myself. Poor hubby... He tries so hard to help, and in doing so, he makes me hate him...

I had an amazing conversation with his best friend last night... My heart is still skipping from that... :) I said I was nervous about sending him a picture of myself almost sleeping with a little smile on my face, cause I didn't know what he would think, and he said and I quote, "if it's of you, I'll like it" My heart did backflips, so I sent it, and he said it was very nice, and that it was a good look for me... I told him that when I took that picture I was thinking about laying on his chest listening to his heart beat, while he held me and kissed the top of my head, and that I couldn't wait to see for myself how soft his lips are. He says he can't wait either. :) I guess I am going to have to show Hubby that conversation, but I don't want to... I want it to be private between Friend and me... But we vowed when we opened our marriage that we would be HONEST no matter what.

He just came home for lunch, and I showed him the texts... He asked me if he had to be worried he'd come home to an empty house and papers... I told him no... Trust me tho, the empty house thing has definately crossed my mind. I'dve been gone already if we didn't have kids!

I just read the first book in the Twilight series for the first time... i know, I am way behind... NO SPOILERS ON THE REST!!!

I have gained probably 5 pounds since I last posted my weight... I have been mad at hubby and taking it out on my body, cause I know it makes him mad... but maybe counseling will help with that... IDk... We'll see.

I saw a documentary on the 8 year old annorexic... It is insane to me that she at 8 years old would rather die of starvation that get fat like the contestants of the Biggest Loser... I hope she is better now... If you ever can get better from an ED... I just worry she is going to get pushed to the other extreme... Where she gets so used to eating all her food, that she gains too much weight...

Musings of a sad soul.

I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish there was something that helped... Even for just a day. Instead, I am breaking at the seams. My happy resolve is disintegrating in my hands, and I am powerless to stop it. My addiction is ripping my heart into tiny little peices and scattering it into the wind. I feel like my body is a shell that I cannot shed... A plague that I cannot fight... A battle I cannot win. Why can't I love myself. On the surface, that answer is that I am disgustingly fat. But I am fat because I hate myself. I am fat because I destruct using food. I am sabotaging myself with food, because for some reason, I can't physically or mentally LET myself succeed at everything at one time. It is like I cannot let myself be happy or content, because... I don't know why... If I knew, I would never have needed to write this in the first place. The cutting doesn't help... It doesn't hurt enough. It doesn't hurt like being fat does. Why am I hurting in the first place. WHAT is it that I can't get past? I am hoping that SOMEDAY SOMEONE will help me. I need to know why I can't love myself. I need to know why I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I need to know why it hurts so bad... But NO ONE has the answers. Least of all, me... On the outside looking in, I should literally be the happiest person in the whole earth. I have everything I have ever wanted out of life except that I am, lets be honest here, 70 pounds overweight. 70 fucking pounds... It is disgusting. It is repulsing. It makes me want to vomit with the insurmountable burden it is on my body, my bones, my muscles, but most of all, my soul... The very fiber of my being is being crushed under a 70 pound weight that has paralized me in perpetual self-destruction. I tell myself, that if I was skinny, I would be happy. I would literally have EVERYTHING! Why then, can't I let that happen? Why can't I let go of the pain? Why can't I love me? God, it hurts SO bad... Sometimes, I don't think I can carry this pain any longer... I just want to go back and start over... I want to tell my 14 year old self that that Guy didn't love me... He just wanted my body. Plus he is balding at 30 now... I want to tell my 15 year old self that I am strong enough to get thru life without the girls home... That my parents and I could have gotten thru it. That I was going to miss out on so much by leaving... Tell my 17 year old self that pleasing other people is impossible to do, but rather to focus on being the kind of person I WANTED! Tell my 18 year old self that this man is my soul-mate, and I will be with him forever, and don't worry about what my mom thinks... MARRY HIM!!! Don't wait... My 19 year old self- You are beautiful, and You are only 30 pounds away from your goal! You have already lost 25... You are halfway there! You are strong, and when you set your mind to something, you can accomplish it.... My 21 year old self- The pain of this miscarriage will pass. Your child is in Heaven, and he is looking down on you right now... 22-23 This baby will be SUCH a blessing... Yeah, it is going to be hard to have 2 girls so close in age, but they will be best friends, and you are going to love them both more than you ever thought it was possible to love another human being... And now... What would I tell myself... This too shall pass... The pain of this moment is as fleeting as the moment itself. You are strong. You are knowledgeable, you are capable, and you will beat this. You are better than this... Look at what you have come thru and you can still get out of bed in the morning and take care of your children like your mother never did. You can keep them safe. You can show them love and dedication that your mother was never capable of showing. You are a wonderful mother. You are GOOD ENOUGH for them, And you deserve to be happy...

Why doesn't it mean anything to me... They are just words... They don't help. I can always find the negative. It is always there haunting me like a battle scar... Still the words: "You are FAT and until you are no LONGER fat, you will never be good enough for anyone especially your children and your husband who are your whole world..." never seem to leave my mind. I literally have not gone a day in the last year and a half that those words or something similar has not at least crossed my mind.

It is a disease... this whatever it is... Scar; pain; depression; hatred... It is killing me. From the inside out, it is destroying me. Everything I am and have ever wanted to be is affected or better yet, infected by it...

Please, someone make it go away! Please? I'm begging you, please...

Thank GOD that is over!

His parents left yesterday. I am so glad! His mom is the best ever, but his dad drives me NUTS! for instance, we are potty training and the first thing he said to me when I got up one day is "Hey, if I got a covered trashcan for your deck, would you use it to put diapers in? Your house reeks..." I wanted to say GOOD morning to you too ass hole! I slept fine, thanks for asking...

Just as expected, wt loss was non-existant this week... I am going to be SO glad when I can get into a routine again. Hubby and I talked about it, and he says I need to find a counselor to deal with my self destructive behaviors... I self destruct with food, or cigarrettes, or alcohol or a razor blade, and until I figure out how NOT to self-destruct, I can't ever get better.... It will be one thing or another until I fix the problem whatever that is...

We are so much better now... Seriously... I think I finally gave him an answer on how he can help me that is acceptable... I told him, I need a cheerleader... Someone who still cheers me on when I am down by 50 pts, or up by 50lbs... That chances are if there is a problem that he noticed, I have been beating myself down for the same exact thing for however long it had been a problem, and I really don't need more negativity.

I haven't weighed in days... And after this weekend, I don't think I will want to know... We have family here that want to eat out for every meal, and actually complain if we want to cook... Weird... I have still been going to the gym, and LOVING it!!! I am SO SORE from Wednesday tho... I did weight training for the first time. My arms, and my back are really sore.

I will be able to get back to reading your lovely blogs very soon! I know I have not been commenting on them... SORRY!

AnaNae

This has NOT been a good day!

SO, I think I hate my husband... Like, not kidding... I can't stand him! And it has been like this for months... He makes me feel like a worthless peice of shit... Like there is nothing I can do to ever be good enough for or attractive to him... Like I disgust him with everything I do... He ONLY sees the negative... He doesn't even try to find the positives in me... I always thought that was just me and my low self-esteem talking, but I truly think he is disgusted and repulsed by me... I think we hate eachother...

Take the last 2 weeks for example... I have been working out 3-5 days a week. I haven't lost weight, but I personally can tell a big difference in how my clothes fit, the size of my stomach, and legs... My face looks a lot different too... ALL he sees is the fact I have been eating too much sweets... I made a birthday cake for baby, and about half of it is gone... I ate probably a third of it since Monday... Yeah, that is a lot of cake, but considering that has been my meals, I don't think is the end of the world. It isn't like I am eating a ton of food and THEN having cake... I am choosing to make a 200 cal peice of cake into a meal... Big freaking whoop! But I asked him tonight if I looked like I weigh 209, because I don't think that I do, and he says "yeah. and I think 'spongebob' *the cake* has something to do with that" I just wanted to kick him in the nuts SO BAD!!! He can't look past the bad... Seriously, I want to go punch him in the face right now, I am so hurt and angry... NO WONDER I HATE MYSELF!!! I am seriously considering moving some stuff into my neighbour's house and "living"/sleeping there, so I don't have to keep sleeping on the couch because I have NO desire to be anywhere near him right now...

If his parents weren't going to be here tomorrow, I probably would do it tonight... But I have to play nice for the next week. I hate that I am going to have to sleep in the same bed as him tomorrow night!

I really don't know when this happened... We used to be happy together... He made me feel special and beautiful, and loved... Now, it feels like he wants nothing more than to get rid of me, but he can't...

We will get thru this... We will be fine... We just need to have some time together to talk. I need to tell him how I feel, and have him tell me he loves me no matter what...

Maybe I just have too high of expectations of him... I don't know...

I just want my friend back!

Hangovers are a Bitch! (Lots of potty words...)

but... I was 207.8 this morning AFTER getting shitfaced last night... all the pills I am taking are finally starting to kick in, I guess... Has anyone else found that the more a man drinks, the less attractive he gets? I had this guy hitting on me last night. No wedding ring, so I thought maybe it could go somewhere... He's sitting there, talking to me and then his wife calls... Shit... SO, when he gets back from the phone, he is talking about how he and his wife are honest, and she knows he gets hit on by women, and she is fine with it, so again, I thought... Maybe... But I had to ask if he would tell her if we kissed... He said no... Damn-it! I am NOT about to be "the other woman" I am NOT going to break up a marriage to feel good about myself for one night... BUT the guy works at that bar, and I will end up seeing him again... DAMN IT ALL! I could have used the confidence boost of even just making out... But, he did tell me that he was attracted to me, and if I hadn't asked about his wife, he would have done something with me... DAMN MORALS!!! Gotta go hubby is up...