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God damn Jamoca shakes... God damn sick HUSBANDS! DAMN it all!!! Going out tonight...

*picture: sad face*

Kids woke up SUPER early.
I lost a follower..
And I gained a pound...

"This is shaping up to be a GREAT day," she says; laced with sarcasm.

Good news: I have babyfree time with the hubby tonight.
Bad news: I am a fat cow...

SO much for being under 200 by August 1... I really don't know why I ever thought that was possible with me... See, that is why I don't set goals... Even reasonable ones: I sabotage myself into not reaching them... Why? God, I wish I knew... Then I wouldn't be fat! Maybe I should have a goal to be over a certain weight by hubby's birthday... No, I would reach that one, because gaining is easy for me. Unfortunately reverse psychology doesn't actually work... *Sigh*

I wish I had someone to talk to that could talk back... That I didn't care about impressing, so I could share all my dark secrets...

I have a LOT to do today, and I only have til 2 to do it... That is when the sitter is getting here.

Kids are fussing and crying already... OH JOY! Gotta go.

AnaNae

I got to sleep in this morning. That was really nice. Especially since the little one woke up at midnight screaming her little head off, like she was dying... Scared the crap out of me. But she was fine. Just seemed scared or something. Her eyes were huge, and she took everytime she closed her eyes, she started crying again. I held her for about an hour just talking to her, and smoothing her hair. Then she layed down perfectly.

I was 207 this morning... That felt good. I was expecting 208. :) I see a HUGE difference in my body tho. This morning is the first day I am not too swollen to see it. I still may get some water pills tho... My ankles hurt from all the excess water... I think my husband made me sick again... GRRRR! My throat hurts this morning. He goes to see a doctor next month to see about getting his tonsils out. That should be fun, but totally worth it if it means he isn't sick all the time anymore...

Cereal so far today. I am going to try to not eat a whole lot.... We will see how that goes. I ended up staying home last night, and I can't go out tonight, since tomorrow is hubby's test. :( Oh well.

More later,

Stay strong!

AnaNae

I just got back from the gym... I did 5 min warm up, 5 min Power walk, 4 min jog, 5 min power walk, 15 min eliptical, and 10 minute cooldown... 44 min total. I should feel good, right? Why then, do I feel like a complete loser? My legs hurt really bad, I am exhausted, I was sweating like a pig... I got a good workout in. I think it is because I am hungry, and I am not eating anymore tonight... That, and I have needed to talk with someone for a LONG time about my feelings lately, and I have no one accessible to talk to... I may go out and drink tonight... Or even more pathetic, stay home and drink alone... I cut for the first time in YEARS the other day... It felt good in that sick in the head kind of way... I for some reason feel the need to self-destruct in some way at all times, so maybe if I do that instead, I can be skinny again... Don't worry my lovely friends, I don't do it on veins or anything. I am not suicidal... I just like the physical pain sometimes. It is not for attention either... You are the only people who know about it, and it is well hidden under a bracelet I never take off. And if someone does see it, I can pass it off as I must have scratched myself on something... Which is technically true... It just happens to be a razor blade and intentional. My husband knows something is wrong... He thinks I am mad at him... I am not, and it makes me mad at him that he thinks this is even about him at all! So, I guess I am mad at him, but I wasn't... I am just so FUCKING tired of hating myself... I am tired of the LOOKS I get at the gym... like I don't belong... I hate that i can't go and run the whole time... I have to powerwalk most of my workout... I hate it all!!! I HATE my reflection... IT is that STUPID bra I found the other day... The fact that I used to be that small, and I ruined it drives me CRAZY!

I am working on it, and that is what counts, right?

AnaNae

Ed, meet Ana.

Already this morning, I am off to a bad start... Cereal for breakfast, and Peanut butter and jelly for lunch... I wish I had the self control to not eat. The sandwich was down before I realized that I didn't actually want it... That right there is the joy of My friend Ed... He rules my life with food and I am powerless to it... Ed, we have to break up...This isn't working for me anymore. You make me hate myself. You make me insecure. Plus, I have met someone new... Her name is Ana. She is going to help me feel good about myself again. She is going to help me undo the damage you have done. Good bye Ed... I hope I never see you again! I am going to get better... I am going to lose weight. I am going to be happy!!! I will be Victorious! I have the Powaa!

When life gives you a treadmil-RUN YOUR A** OFF!

Today's workout was a little slice of heaven! Seriously! I am so freaking proud of myself! I RAN! I actually RAN!!! 4 whole minutes! I did a 5 min warm-up, 11 min of fast walking, 4 minute jog/run at 5mph, 20 min on the eliptical, 10 min medium paced walk, and 5 min cooldown. OMG! It felt so nice to sweat! Not even kidding! I could totally get addicted to that feeling... I feel so good right now! Emotionally, today has been SO much better! Eating wise, I did ok, I guess. Not great, but ok... Better than last week. Lady friend should be gone by tomorrow's weigh in. Swelling should be gone by the end of the week.

So, I made 2 really cool paintings today: Probably part of why it has been such a good day! Painting makes me happy! One of them won't show up well in a picture, but the other should be good. The one that won't be a good picture is a series of 3 paintings for my neighbour's new appartment. He said he was going to pay me if he likes them... Hopefully he likes them... If not, I am SO keeping them! I LOVE them! The other was just a little something that I am currently using as my mousepad... It says AMBITION- to seek earnestly. That was the wikipedia definition, which I liked a lot better than webster's def.

Let's see, what else is on my mind... My inlaws will be here next week. Monday is my oldest daughter's 2nd birthday! I cannot believe she is 2 already!!! Crazy part about her birthday, is that She was born August 2, 2008, and August 2, 2007, I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I was 12 weeks along, but the baby had only developed to 5 weeks. He had been dead for a while... No, I couldn't tell it was a boy, I just think it was... I don't know why. I was so sad then, but Baby1's birthday made that day all better for me!

My husband will be 30 the end of next week, and I have absolutely NOTHING for him! I don't even know what to get him! He is a gamer, really smart, and likes history... I know he sounds like a loser/geek, but he really isn't. He is very handsome, and not just by my standards. He is also a really good person. Any Ideas? I think maybe just getting away for a night to ourselves without kids would be fun...

Another random thought:
Alli's side effects have not kicked in yet. Maybe it takes a day... I really should finish reading all the material that came with it. Maybe when I am done here, I can do that. Watch, it is gonna kick in right as I am wanting to go to sleep tonight... I will probably be up late again tonight... I still want to read all y'all's blogs. :) I was supposed to go next door and drink and talk with my neighbour tonight, but I wanted to work on the paintings. Any of you who are artists know that when you are inspired, you kinda just want to go with it... You do your best work when you are in the mood!

I am starting to get tired, so I better cut this short. But I wanted to brag about actually being able to run- which is something seriously, I have not even tried since probably 2004 until recently that is... I haven't ran for longer than a minute or two since 2001 when I was in highschool softball.

Love you all, and thanks for the support!

AnaNae

My Alli

So, I just started taking alli today. It is FDA approved to help block the fat from what you eat. And if you eat a bunch of fatty stuff, it makes you poo like crazy. You are supposed to be able to lose up to 50% more weight than with diet and exercise alone. Maybe that will be the kick in the ass I have needed all this time. I am still planning on going to the gym 4-5 times a week for about an hour. And with the alli, you are supposed to eat low fat and low cal stuff so that you don't have the sideeffects of crapping yourself all the time... Consequences for eating like crap... That should help.

I am feeling a little better this morning. Maybe just because I am being proactive. I don't know. The kids were really good yesterday, and so far today... THat helps a LOT. My "lady week" is almost over, so that also helps.

I was 210.something with sweat pants and a t shirt on this morning. Expected... I have eaten like crap the past week, and I am still a little swollen from LW. Once I go to the gym tonight, and eat good, and take my "magic pills" I should be feeling better.

I am being summoned to read a book right now, so more later.

AnaNae