Discoveries:

So I have discovered: I hate everyone and everything (except my kids) and I take it out on myself by eating and cutting and berating myself. I am reading a book about PTSD, and it talks about how this is normal. It is called anger-turned-inward... It starts when you are in a situation where you cannot express your anger for one reason or another. For me, this was at the girls' home I was in. The director's wife there was a Bitch and a half, and for some reason, she hated me more than the other girls. But if I were to stand up to her, I would have been in BIG trouble, and my life would have been hell for months. So I had to bite my tongue, sometimes quite literally, and take out my anger by punching myself in the leg or scratching myself when no one was looking just to release those feelings somehow... I hate her. She is probably the person in my life who did the most damage. It is actually probably a tie between her and Bio-mom.

I also have discovered recently, (I may have already said this) that EVERYONE in my life has made me feel inferior and like I was not good enough for them and that is where most if not all of my current issues stem from. For instance:

Bio-mom chose to be with the man who sexually abused me as a child rather than keep me. Literally, she was with him for a year or two after she gave me up and only when he said he wanted to have kids with her (sick fuck) and she wouldn't did HE say he would find someone who would!!!!! OMG!!! I would NEVER do that! I would never put a man or anyone above my kids!!! If Hubby hurt my kids, we'd be gone in a heartbeat! I wouldn't put up with it. Thankfully, my hubby is a good man, and a good father, and I don't have to worry about that, but seriously... I was not good enough for her to choose me.

My adoptive mom said to me on many occasions that she wished I would go live with my grandmother and be her problem... And one occasion, she said that when she prayed for a daughter, this [I] was not what she had pictured. I was not a good enough daughter because I was not perfect, and I had issues.

At the girls' home, I could NEVER do anything right, and the director's wife always assumed the worst about me (so did adoptive mom). My art work sucked, I was fat, I was "the worst girl they ever had" which I don't understand, because I was one of the FEW that didn't have a ton of secrets. Amongst the girls, I was one of the good ones! All I EVER wanted was to be her friend, and have her see me for who I was, but she could never do that... I was never good enough for her to like me.

When I got back from the girls' home, I was finally the daughter my mom always wanted, until I met my (now) husband, and I had sex with him. I was no longer perfect, so therefore, no longer good enough...

And now, My husband considers me a 5 on the "man-scale" and has issues with how I choose to parent, and my house is never clean enough, and so, I am not a good enough wife for him...

WOW. No wonder I hate myself. All my life, I have been taught that I am worthless, and I am broken, and I am never going to be good enough, so why on earth wouldn't I believe it!

The counseling and the books I am reading are trying to help me thru this. TO re-think, and re-learn, and put the anger that others have made me feel onto them... For instance, My mom was wrong for saying those things, and it is ok for me to be mad at her. I should not blame myself for her saying those things, because she was the one who was wrong. You just don't say those things to children. I never would, and she shouldn't have. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, no matter what I did or didn't do that prompted her to say them. It was HER bad, and SHE was wrong, not me...

My husband should NEVER say those things. A man should never tell a woman she is less than attractive, even if it might be true, because in doing so, it could destroy her sense of self-worth. We are hard enough on ourselves as women- we don't need men making it worse. HE was wrong for saying those things and being insensitive. While they may be true, He is not justified in saying what he said...

Director's wife was just a mean, bitter, hateful, angry, controlling woman who had no business being in a position of "ministry". She was wrong in how she treated me. I didn't deserve her animosity. I never did. I wasn't the bad person in that situation. She was. She was wrong for treating me and the rest of the girls how she did.

My mother is a selfish, lonely, woman who gave up the best things in her life so she could live her life the way she wanted. Her decision to give me up had nothing to do with me. She did that because she was selfish, and it was wrong of her to do that. I can't believe that she didn't want me... She just didn't want the responsibility of raising a child.

I was raised as a Christian, I have come to HATE Christianity's views on a lot of things. That we are supposed to believe that we are terrible people, and deserve the bad things that happen to us because we are sinful... No wonder so many christians have issues with depression and anxiety, and all that... we are taught from little kids in Sunday school that we are bad people and we deserve the worst punishment ever even thought of: Hell. I do believe we are not perfect people, and that is why we need Christ, but why do we have to make it about what we do or do not do... Why can't we just accept that it is because of the perfection of God, that we need a perfect Savior. Not because we are terrible people that will never be good enough... It isn't about us... It is about God, and His glory... Just my opinion. We can't ever be perfect on our own, and guess what, we aren't expected to... That is why we have a Savior... He was perfect for us, and sacrificed himself so that we could join him in heaven...

I know some of you might not be religious, and forgive me for getting into all of that if you aren't, but this has just been on my mind a lot lately. I get frustrated with the things I have been taught; what I mentioned above, that humility is hating yourself and thinking everyone else is better than you are, that being a christian is all about following a set of rules and regulations...

ANYWAY... I think this is enough for now... I just have a lot to figure out, and a lot to work thru. There has been an extensive amount of trauma in my life, and therefore, there is an extensive amount of damage to heal, but I am worth it, because I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. Now if I can just get to where I can believe all of that...

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I have stopped gaining, and I have even lost about 4 pounds, and I haven't even been trying! Things are starting to get a little better, I guess.

Love yourselves ladies, and make yourselves the best you can be because you are worth the effort. :)

AnaNae

I need help.

I suck. I hate my husband. I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone. *Except my kids... I love them.* I am just having a really hard time right now. I haven't had sex in probably 2 weeks or more. Pretty much since the day he said I was a 5.

Oh... And I said I would post a picture of me.

If you know me in RL, please message me privately to let me know. :)

I need your help ladies...

Is anyone out there? I really am having a terrible time lately... I have been uncontrollable. I haven't been doing the things I know I need to do... Why? I am lazy. I am scared. I am selfish. I am angry. I am busy. I am tired. I am pregnant. I am unhappy. I am weak... My therapist says that since I had to be so strong as a child, the PTSD is making the feelings I should have been having back then come to the surface now. I wasn't scared then, so now I am... I wasn't weak then, but now I am... My defense mechanisms are disolving, because I don't need them anymore. I am now able to handle the bad stuff from my past. I was strong growing up because I had to be... Now, I don't have to be, and so I feel weak. I was fearless then, because the fear would have killed me, and now I feel scared all the time...

I HATE it... I want to be strong again. I want to be fearless again. I want to be determined again. I want to be who I was before out of necessity... I want that girl to come back, and this pitiful, weak, wimp, coward to go away... I am just so tired... So tired. I can't explain the fatigue. I wish I could... But I can't... i literally could sleep 12 hours and wake up exhausted... I am finding that I don't have the energy to do what I need to do at the gym... I am SO tired... My muscles feel like they aren't working anymore... My brain is running at half speed... Everything has just slowed down inside me...

Probably the pregnancy, I know...

I am sorry that I used to be so positive, and uplifting... PTSD and Clinical Depression are a Bitch...

I really hope this doesn't last much longer... I don't think I can handle it anymore! Especially since things are rocky with the hubby... He isn't my support system anymore... We fought BAD again tonight... He told me to get out... I refused... HE compared me to the people who hurt me in the past, and I was so pissed I literally wanted to hit him or stab him or something... I wanted nothing more than to hurt him... Which is becoming a popular theme... I think had he come any where near me tonight after he said what he said, i would have started hitting him, and I don't think I could have stopped... I really am not a violent person... I have never hit anyone except my brother when we were little...

I wish I could just leave for a while... I am so tired...

WOW, Really?!

So, I asked my husband to rate me on a scale of 1-10... I was thinking I'd be about a 7. I am fat, so I can't be any higher than that, but I am by no means ugly. I still have a beautiful face with very well proportioned features, and nice hair... HE FUCKING SAID I WAS A 5!!!!! Maybe a 6... WHAT?!!!! OMG! He has rated girls that I thought were hideous as 7's!!! This is one of those days that I just have to focus on the fact that even tho he can be a complete ass hole sometimes, he is my husband, and I have chosen to love him for the rest of my life. But OMG! I wanted to cut him... I literally wanted to cause him physical pain! I should post a picture of what I look like in RL on here. Of course it would only be my face... The rest of me is disgusting... Let you ladies rate me... My god, I have to better than a Fucking 5!!! THe things we put up with for love... You know what my one thought is, and it is terrible, I know. But I can't help thinking that if he can't appreciate me for who I am now, Why the HELL should I reward him for being an ass hole by losing weight and giving him what he wants?! A fucking 5... That has been spinning in my head since he said it... Maybe tomorrow, I will post what I look like...

Oh, and 2fucking30 this morning... It has been a great day to say the least!

AnaNae

ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz...

Hey, lovelies...

So, I have stopped gaining, I guess that is good. :)I am so freaking tired from this pregnancy... Seriously, I can barely stay awake for 12 hours at a time! I fell asleep in the bathtub earlier today... Growing a human is hard work!

I started a book called the Beck Diet solution. It uses cognative therapy to re-train your brain to help you lose weight. I am on day 4, and have lost maybe a pound, but I really haven't been trying at all. I am waiting until day 14 like the book says... I am going to start writing down what I eat, and the calories that are in it. Not worrying too much about "what" I am eating yet. Just counting and limiting calories. Unfortunately, I actually have to have a minimum calorie limit of 1500 for the baby's sake... I am thinking 1500-1800 is a good range. I burn about 1700 on a normal day without working out, and you are supposed to add 300 for the baby... So, I should be fine, and not gain, if not actually lose, because I will still be working out, and I am not allowing extra cals for that... Those days, the baby can take what I am eating, and I can use my fat... :) (Works for me)

I have had to modify my workouts. I have to keep my heartrate under 140bpm. Which is actually good. That is prime heartrate for fat burning... And that is what I need... I am pretty strong, so I don't need too much strength or endurance training. It should be a good thing, but I am finding it hard to hold myself back... I want to feel my pulse pounding in my ears! But that is dangerous for Baby.

My sessions with Dr. L are going well. I really like her. She is helping me deal with my past so I can move on and allow myself to succeed in life. I am tired of self-sabotaging on purpose, and she is going to help me with that. I feel better emotionally. More stable, I guess... My moods aren't swinging quite as far as they were there for a while. AND, I am pregnant, which means that I am going to have moodswings due to hormones anyway, so some of what I am experiencing now is normal.

Hubby and I are good. I have gained a lot of weight back, but he is still being supportive and loving. No, he doesn't compliment me as much anymore, but he isn't being negative or degrading this time! He understands that there is more to it that simply a lack of self-control...

All in all, Life is going pretty well, except I am disgustingly fat... Like literally... 227ish... :( But I am learning in my book and my sessions with DR. L how to deal with the negative thoughts differently, so I can move on and forgive and live my life to the fullest and lose the weight and keep it all off this time! I am optimistic... I have a strong support system this time... And I am doing it the right way: Taking care of the internal struggles FIRST instead of trying to fix the outside and hoping my emotions and self-esteem would catch up!


Well, I thought I should give an update. Sorry I don't write more... I have a 1 and a 2 year old, that make it kind of hard to sit and type for any long period of time. :)

Stay strong, and learn to love yourselves for how strong you are. There are those of us that are trying to find the kind of strength you have to do the things that need to be done! (I will get there!!!)

AnaNae

Frustrating!

So, I am not sure what is going on with me... I have a couple ideas, but I am not sure. I am probably up to about 225 right now, and I can't bring myself to care. I know that I look disgusting. I know that I am unhealthy, I know that the problems I have been having sleeping lately are because of this, but yet, I am still eating a shit load of calories, and I can't seem to make myself stop. It is like there are two opposing forces in me. The me that wants to be healthy and beautiful and skinny and strong and lose weight, and there is a second force in me that makes me want to eat when I am not hungry... Tells me I am hungry after I have just eaten, and won't be satisfied with healthy food... I usually call this self-destruct mode... But I haven't been having a hard time emotionally this week. At the beginning of this week, I felt fine. I was happy, I was discovering things about myself- the good things... I was starting to love myself, and trying to be happy... But it is almost as if the better I have gotten internally, the worse I have gotten at maintaining my weight... By body is trying to make me hate myself again... WHY? Maybe because that is comfortable... I don't know how not to... I read that this is all normal when you are dealing with PTSD, -for your symptoms to get worse instead of better at first... Am I just making excuses for myself... Oh this is normal, so I can eat as much as I want and blame it on healing... I don't think it is... I think it is much deeper than that... Like I said, I feel like my body/mind is at war with itself... And the part that hates me is winning right now. And I am powerless to stop it... I don't know how to stop it. I hate it!

It has to get better at some point, right? I mean I have to heal eventually, and then I can not hate myself and self-sabotage and destruct anymore... I hope! I am tired of it! I want to be healthy for the new little life growing inside me, but I haven't been able to control my eating! It is frustrating! I am still working out 2-3 times a week, but I should even up that a bit, but I haven't. I don't want to...

Part of me wants to get better, but as time goes on, and the more I see the Doctor, the less I hear that part of me speaking...

I have upped my visits to once a week, so that when I am having meltdowns, and can't figure shit out, I don't have as long until I can talk to her about them. This week, i don't even know what is wrong. I refuse to blame it on pregnancy hormones! I can't let myself gain a ton of weight while I am pregnant because of "Hormones"...

Frustrating...