Oh... And I said I would post a picture of me.

If you know me in RL, please message me privately to let me know. :)

I need your help ladies...

Is anyone out there? I really am having a terrible time lately... I have been uncontrollable. I haven't been doing the things I know I need to do... Why? I am lazy. I am scared. I am selfish. I am angry. I am busy. I am tired. I am pregnant. I am unhappy. I am weak... My therapist says that since I had to be so strong as a child, the PTSD is making the feelings I should have been having back then come to the surface now. I wasn't scared then, so now I am... I wasn't weak then, but now I am... My defense mechanisms are disolving, because I don't need them anymore. I am now able to handle the bad stuff from my past. I was strong growing up because I had to be... Now, I don't have to be, and so I feel weak. I was fearless then, because the fear would have killed me, and now I feel scared all the time...

I HATE it... I want to be strong again. I want to be fearless again. I want to be determined again. I want to be who I was before out of necessity... I want that girl to come back, and this pitiful, weak, wimp, coward to go away... I am just so tired... So tired. I can't explain the fatigue. I wish I could... But I can't... i literally could sleep 12 hours and wake up exhausted... I am finding that I don't have the energy to do what I need to do at the gym... I am SO tired... My muscles feel like they aren't working anymore... My brain is running at half speed... Everything has just slowed down inside me...

Probably the pregnancy, I know...

I am sorry that I used to be so positive, and uplifting... PTSD and Clinical Depression are a Bitch...

I really hope this doesn't last much longer... I don't think I can handle it anymore! Especially since things are rocky with the hubby... He isn't my support system anymore... We fought BAD again tonight... He told me to get out... I refused... HE compared me to the people who hurt me in the past, and I was so pissed I literally wanted to hit him or stab him or something... I wanted nothing more than to hurt him... Which is becoming a popular theme... I think had he come any where near me tonight after he said what he said, i would have started hitting him, and I don't think I could have stopped... I really am not a violent person... I have never hit anyone except my brother when we were little...

I wish I could just leave for a while... I am so tired...

WOW, Really?!

So, I asked my husband to rate me on a scale of 1-10... I was thinking I'd be about a 7. I am fat, so I can't be any higher than that, but I am by no means ugly. I still have a beautiful face with very well proportioned features, and nice hair... HE FUCKING SAID I WAS A 5!!!!! Maybe a 6... WHAT?!!!! OMG! He has rated girls that I thought were hideous as 7's!!! This is one of those days that I just have to focus on the fact that even tho he can be a complete ass hole sometimes, he is my husband, and I have chosen to love him for the rest of my life. But OMG! I wanted to cut him... I literally wanted to cause him physical pain! I should post a picture of what I look like in RL on here. Of course it would only be my face... The rest of me is disgusting... Let you ladies rate me... My god, I have to better than a Fucking 5!!! THe things we put up with for love... You know what my one thought is, and it is terrible, I know. But I can't help thinking that if he can't appreciate me for who I am now, Why the HELL should I reward him for being an ass hole by losing weight and giving him what he wants?! A fucking 5... That has been spinning in my head since he said it... Maybe tomorrow, I will post what I look like...

Oh, and 2fucking30 this morning... It has been a great day to say the least!

AnaNae

ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz...

Hey, lovelies...

So, I have stopped gaining, I guess that is good. :)I am so freaking tired from this pregnancy... Seriously, I can barely stay awake for 12 hours at a time! I fell asleep in the bathtub earlier today... Growing a human is hard work!

I started a book called the Beck Diet solution. It uses cognative therapy to re-train your brain to help you lose weight. I am on day 4, and have lost maybe a pound, but I really haven't been trying at all. I am waiting until day 14 like the book says... I am going to start writing down what I eat, and the calories that are in it. Not worrying too much about "what" I am eating yet. Just counting and limiting calories. Unfortunately, I actually have to have a minimum calorie limit of 1500 for the baby's sake... I am thinking 1500-1800 is a good range. I burn about 1700 on a normal day without working out, and you are supposed to add 300 for the baby... So, I should be fine, and not gain, if not actually lose, because I will still be working out, and I am not allowing extra cals for that... Those days, the baby can take what I am eating, and I can use my fat... :) (Works for me)

I have had to modify my workouts. I have to keep my heartrate under 140bpm. Which is actually good. That is prime heartrate for fat burning... And that is what I need... I am pretty strong, so I don't need too much strength or endurance training. It should be a good thing, but I am finding it hard to hold myself back... I want to feel my pulse pounding in my ears! But that is dangerous for Baby.

My sessions with Dr. L are going well. I really like her. She is helping me deal with my past so I can move on and allow myself to succeed in life. I am tired of self-sabotaging on purpose, and she is going to help me with that. I feel better emotionally. More stable, I guess... My moods aren't swinging quite as far as they were there for a while. AND, I am pregnant, which means that I am going to have moodswings due to hormones anyway, so some of what I am experiencing now is normal.

Hubby and I are good. I have gained a lot of weight back, but he is still being supportive and loving. No, he doesn't compliment me as much anymore, but he isn't being negative or degrading this time! He understands that there is more to it that simply a lack of self-control...

All in all, Life is going pretty well, except I am disgustingly fat... Like literally... 227ish... :( But I am learning in my book and my sessions with DR. L how to deal with the negative thoughts differently, so I can move on and forgive and live my life to the fullest and lose the weight and keep it all off this time! I am optimistic... I have a strong support system this time... And I am doing it the right way: Taking care of the internal struggles FIRST instead of trying to fix the outside and hoping my emotions and self-esteem would catch up!


Well, I thought I should give an update. Sorry I don't write more... I have a 1 and a 2 year old, that make it kind of hard to sit and type for any long period of time. :)

Stay strong, and learn to love yourselves for how strong you are. There are those of us that are trying to find the kind of strength you have to do the things that need to be done! (I will get there!!!)

AnaNae

Frustrating!

So, I am not sure what is going on with me... I have a couple ideas, but I am not sure. I am probably up to about 225 right now, and I can't bring myself to care. I know that I look disgusting. I know that I am unhealthy, I know that the problems I have been having sleeping lately are because of this, but yet, I am still eating a shit load of calories, and I can't seem to make myself stop. It is like there are two opposing forces in me. The me that wants to be healthy and beautiful and skinny and strong and lose weight, and there is a second force in me that makes me want to eat when I am not hungry... Tells me I am hungry after I have just eaten, and won't be satisfied with healthy food... I usually call this self-destruct mode... But I haven't been having a hard time emotionally this week. At the beginning of this week, I felt fine. I was happy, I was discovering things about myself- the good things... I was starting to love myself, and trying to be happy... But it is almost as if the better I have gotten internally, the worse I have gotten at maintaining my weight... By body is trying to make me hate myself again... WHY? Maybe because that is comfortable... I don't know how not to... I read that this is all normal when you are dealing with PTSD, -for your symptoms to get worse instead of better at first... Am I just making excuses for myself... Oh this is normal, so I can eat as much as I want and blame it on healing... I don't think it is... I think it is much deeper than that... Like I said, I feel like my body/mind is at war with itself... And the part that hates me is winning right now. And I am powerless to stop it... I don't know how to stop it. I hate it!

It has to get better at some point, right? I mean I have to heal eventually, and then I can not hate myself and self-sabotage and destruct anymore... I hope! I am tired of it! I want to be healthy for the new little life growing inside me, but I haven't been able to control my eating! It is frustrating! I am still working out 2-3 times a week, but I should even up that a bit, but I haven't. I don't want to...

Part of me wants to get better, but as time goes on, and the more I see the Doctor, the less I hear that part of me speaking...

I have upped my visits to once a week, so that when I am having meltdowns, and can't figure shit out, I don't have as long until I can talk to her about them. This week, i don't even know what is wrong. I refuse to blame it on pregnancy hormones! I can't let myself gain a ton of weight while I am pregnant because of "Hormones"...

Frustrating...

YEP!

I'm Pregnant. :)

F you ED!

So, ED has gotten the best of me in the past 2 weeks. At the psychologist, we are digging up a bunch of the shit that happened to me as a very small child... The stuff that before was subconsciously making me want to hurt myself... Now, it is conscious... I literally can and have gained like, 10 pounds in less than 2 weeks... I can't seem to stop eating. I know I am hurting my body, I look disgusting, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to care enough to stop. Food is a very temporary fix, but it has been a fix... For the short amount of time I eat, I feel better... Then it goes away, and I eat again. All of my hard work is gone now... I weigh more now than I did at the beginning of the year. It pisses me off, and I tell myself it is going to get better, but what do I do? I eat. and once again, I can't stop.

To all my ana friends on here: This is what it looks like from the other side. Instead of Ana telling me I can't eat or I will get fat, I have "Ed" telling me that if I eat, it will make the pain go away even for a little bit.

I do think I am discovering something about myself that may end up helping... A desire to be as little like my biological family particularly my mother as I possibly can be... My entire family is above 250 aside from me and a cousin. She is probably 170-180 range... I don't want to be like them! You picture the epitome of white trash, and that is my family. Filthy houses, don't take care of themselves, morbidly obese, trailer homes or apartments, but they do all have pretty nice vehicles... Granted, they are in debt because of those, but... Not a pretty picture.

I already am nothing like them in that respect... I am married to a wonderful man, we drive nice vehicles without being in horrible debt, and we have a really nice house that I keep pretty clean... It isn't always organized and toys aren't always put away, but it is not filthy, and I don't have bug problems...

My weight is the one thing that links me to them... That is why I need to sever that link... Break away from them completely!

Oh... And I think I am preggers... :) YAY!

:(

I am so tired... Tired of trying. Tired of failing... Tired of the pain. Will it ever go away?