Long time no type-y...

I am NOT PREGNANT anymore!!! I ended my pregnancy at a disgusting 261 pounderoos... Yep. But I have lost 22 lbs since the 9th as of yesterday morning. I was 238.0 when I weighed yesterday. I am 8 pounds from my start weight on this pregnancy. :) My baby girl had complications breathing when she was first born, and we were in the hospital for 12 days. She is thankfully much better now, but that put a stall on my ability to exercise. I am hoping I can start on that tomorrow morning, but it depends on the baby and if she will actually let me sleep at all tonight. I already feel like a new person, even tho I have a very long way to go, but I can do this! My goal was to be under 200 by January, and at the rate I have been going, I should have no problem reaching that! I am honestly not really hungry anymore... I am eating what is a normal, healthy amount to lose 2lbs a week, and I am doing that comfortably. I have no desire to self-destruct anymore, which is amazing...

LIfe other than my wt loss has been Hell tho... Not only was my little one in the hospital, but I just found out a couple days ago that my husband has been having an emotional affair with the girl he knocked up... I told him after they got thru the emotion of the miscarriage, that I didn't want him talking to her anymore, and he continued to not only talk to her, but also flirt sexually with her over text messaging and phone calls behind my back... We were at the point where we were seriously discussing divorce, because he was mad at me for being crazy and self-destructive and pushing him away for 5 years. I wanted to make things work, since I am a different person now, and he just needs to give me time to show him that... But then this happened... I am hurt, but I am still willing to work things out... I think it is more for the kids' sake right now than for my own, but I still love him... I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again... This cut deep. He broke a promise that when I said I wanted the open marriage to be over that he would stop... I can work past this, but it will take a long time and a lot of work. We have both been hurt by eachother, but I still believe we are supposed to be together, so I am willing to try.

On top of that, my mom asked about stuff and I told her everything, from the open marriage to me being bisexual, and all of that... She was cool about it when I told her, but now she is pissed off at both me and Toby... I don't really care tho. That is the past, and I am not going to let her bother me anymore. She is the one that is wrong for getting so upset at me... I was being real and being true to myself, and I don't really care that she doesn't like it. She needs to get over herself... She is taking it personally that we did that, and what she needs to realize is that it had nothing to do with her, so she really has no right to get mad at me...

All that shit going on, and I am not trying to hurt myself!!! Progress!!! I am working thru it all in my own way, and not using food or other self-destructive substances to cope! My life is turmoil, but I am still happy. Hurt, but happy. I still feel like I deserve the best and I deserve to be happy, adn I am not letting other people get me down!

baby is crying tho. gotta go

Ananae

WOW it's been a while!

I know it has been a really LONG time. I have been journaling on paper a lot lately. as far as my weight goes, I am gaining a normal, healthy amount for my pregnancy. I have gained a lot more than I wanted to, since I didn't want to gain any, but the baby is healthy, and that is what matters right now. When I am done with the pregnancy, I am going to be working out at the Gym again, and my goal is to lose 50-60 in 6 months. Hard, but do-able. I finally feel like I am ready for this emotionally! I am no longer self-destructive, and I am able to see my worth now... I am worth the effort, and I actually believe it. I am better able to combat the destructive thoughts... You know that veggietales movie where the lie Junior asparagus tells keeps growing and growing until it becomes a giant... Well, my negative thoughts are like those lies, and the more I keep telling myself I can't accomplish my goals, the bigger I will keep getting... So I just have to keep telling myself the positive things so that the Giant me will shrink! :)

The girl that hubby got pregnant lost the baby. (Thankfully for me) That phase in our marriage is officially over. I deserve better than to keep hurting myself. We have re-focused on each other, and our marriage is the best it has been in a long time! I have been crazy busy lately. I have been painting both of the kids' rooms. The girls' room is done, and I am working on the baby's room. I am tired and ready to be NOT PREGNANT! I miss being able to work out. I have been having some pain in my hips... They are separating due to this being my 4th pregnancy in 3 years... It makes everything hard... Walking, sitting, laying down, rolling over... Everything hurts.

I am feeling better than I have in a long time emotionally right now... I am learning a lot, changing a lot for the better. but I have kids that need fed, so I better get off of here... Here in about 7 weeks, I am going to need your support and your comments and help as I start back on my weight loss journey... I have a LONG way to go!

Remember> You are who you want to be... You are defined as you define yourself. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or who you need to me... Just be yourself and love yourself... :)

AnaNae

It's a girl!

Just found out today that it's a girl... I was really hoping for a boy, so I could be done being pregnant... I don't want to get pregnant again, but I really want a boy... I should be happy that she is healthy, right... But I was disappointed. Mainly because I don't want to have to get fat again! I wanted to be able to LOSE my weight FINALLY and for GOOD after this pregnancy!!!

But she is healthy, and she will be beautiful like her sisters! :) And I did always want 4 kids...

I guess I have to wait a ilttle longer until I am no longer disgusting, since we were planning on getting pregnant again within 6 months of this one being born. I feel like I am wasting all the time I am young being fat and ugly! By the time I finally lose all my weight, I am going to be old! THIS SUCKS!!!

But I will love this little girl too... :)

Bullet in the brain pan. Squish.

And this, ladies and gentlemen is why you don't have open marriages... The girl got pregnant and is keeping it... And wants my husband to be involved in her baby's life! And he wants to be involved in its life too... Yeah... Life sucks ass for me right now! Good news tho, I haven't gained any weight with my pregnancy yet, and I am at almost 18 weeks... So, yeah. It could be worse, right?

WORST WEEK EVER!!!!!

AnaNae