Wow, I can't believe it! 60 posts... In that time, my body has gotten worse, but my attitude and self-worth have hugely improved. I have stopped my desire to self-destruct... And while I haven't found the energy or drive to better myself, I am definitely making steps in the right direction.
I got an ultrasound the other day, and there is only one little peanut in there. :) I am kinda glad!!! I just hope it is a boy!!! :) I am 10 weeks and 2 days now. Right where I am supposed to be... It was so cute; I got to watch "him" move... "He's" an active little thing! :) I wish I could watch that all day everyday!!! :) I love it!
The Doctor found a cyst too, which concerns me a little, but she said that it can be normal for them to form during pregnancy, and that they usually go away on their own. She wasn't concerned, so I shouldn't be either.
We are getting ready for Christmas in our house. We re-arranged the living room yesterday, and will probably set up the tree Friday. :) I am going to start cooking for Thanksgiving today... I will probably make my casserole, since it is better the second day anyway... :) I will probably also make my gravy ahead of time too... Sorry, ladies, Enough about food...
I have started feeling a bit better with the pregnancy, so I should be able to start working out again soon! :) That is exciting, altho, I will have to take it slow at first to see how I handle it. I am not doing the spinning class... I am just going to go use the eliptical and treadmil at the community center. It will be good to go again. I have missed it... I just didn't think people around me would appreciate me getting sick while they are trying to work out! :p
The kids have kept me pretty busy lately... The little one has discovered how to get up onto the diningroom table by herself... Oh boy... She is getting TOO big!!! :)
Well, that's my update... I have lost about a pound since I posted last, and I am going to get to start working out again soon!!! :) My official goal is to gain under 10 lbs the entire pregnancy... Actual goal is to not gain a single pound, but we will see how it goes. :)
AnaNae
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
A light at the end of the very very long tunnel...
I haven't felt like this in my entire life... I feel happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel content. I feel confident... How did this happen? Something I thought would never happen until I was skinny again...
I wrote a letter to my mom talking about how much she had hurt me and how I can be proud of myself despite what she would think... While I was writing this letter, I guess I was just realizing that the things I do don't define me, and the pain I have caused myself isn't because I am messed up in the brain... It is because people hurt me a lot, and it was a completely natural response.
All the things I am choosing to do in my life: The open marriage, drinking, occasionally smoking *none of which I can do atm*, singing at church, loving God and wanting to serve Him, My parenting skills, and even my eating habits... They are all parts of a whole. And without one of those things, I wouldn't be me... And I LIKE me... I like who I am. I like the woman I am becoming, and I like the choices I am making. It doesn't make me a hypocrite to be bi-sexual... It is just a part of who I am. I have been bi since I was a child... The first girl I loved was when I was in 4th grade! I have always been attracted to women since I can remember...
All just parts of a whole... It has kinda become my mantra lately. I can be proud of myself even if I do things that some people would think were wrong...
Now, I am not saying that I am just going to give up on my weight loss process just because I am finally healing emotionally... I do not like the way my body looks or feels right now. I am not healthy. I can't do a whole lot about it right now, due to the pregnancy... (I am 10 weeks, and I have been feeling baby move for about 2 weeks now... Twins?) I have stopped gaining, and I have been eating less. I have been stopping when I am full, and I haven't been eating a bunch of junk... Those are the things I go overboard on durning binges... While I haven't lost, it is probably due to the pregnancy, so I can't complain.
Time to get my kids up and ready for the day tho... Just wanted to fill you in on how I have been feeling lately. Better... Not perfect; far from it, but better. And that is progress... :)
AnaNae
I wrote a letter to my mom talking about how much she had hurt me and how I can be proud of myself despite what she would think... While I was writing this letter, I guess I was just realizing that the things I do don't define me, and the pain I have caused myself isn't because I am messed up in the brain... It is because people hurt me a lot, and it was a completely natural response.
All the things I am choosing to do in my life: The open marriage, drinking, occasionally smoking *none of which I can do atm*, singing at church, loving God and wanting to serve Him, My parenting skills, and even my eating habits... They are all parts of a whole. And without one of those things, I wouldn't be me... And I LIKE me... I like who I am. I like the woman I am becoming, and I like the choices I am making. It doesn't make me a hypocrite to be bi-sexual... It is just a part of who I am. I have been bi since I was a child... The first girl I loved was when I was in 4th grade! I have always been attracted to women since I can remember...
All just parts of a whole... It has kinda become my mantra lately. I can be proud of myself even if I do things that some people would think were wrong...
Now, I am not saying that I am just going to give up on my weight loss process just because I am finally healing emotionally... I do not like the way my body looks or feels right now. I am not healthy. I can't do a whole lot about it right now, due to the pregnancy... (I am 10 weeks, and I have been feeling baby move for about 2 weeks now... Twins?) I have stopped gaining, and I have been eating less. I have been stopping when I am full, and I haven't been eating a bunch of junk... Those are the things I go overboard on durning binges... While I haven't lost, it is probably due to the pregnancy, so I can't complain.
Time to get my kids up and ready for the day tho... Just wanted to fill you in on how I have been feeling lately. Better... Not perfect; far from it, but better. And that is progress... :)
AnaNae
Monday, November 8, 2010
Discoveries:
So I have discovered: I hate everyone and everything (except my kids) and I take it out on myself by eating and cutting and berating myself. I am reading a book about PTSD, and it talks about how this is normal. It is called anger-turned-inward... It starts when you are in a situation where you cannot express your anger for one reason or another. For me, this was at the girls' home I was in. The director's wife there was a Bitch and a half, and for some reason, she hated me more than the other girls. But if I were to stand up to her, I would have been in BIG trouble, and my life would have been hell for months. So I had to bite my tongue, sometimes quite literally, and take out my anger by punching myself in the leg or scratching myself when no one was looking just to release those feelings somehow... I hate her. She is probably the person in my life who did the most damage. It is actually probably a tie between her and Bio-mom.
I also have discovered recently, (I may have already said this) that EVERYONE in my life has made me feel inferior and like I was not good enough for them and that is where most if not all of my current issues stem from. For instance:
Bio-mom chose to be with the man who sexually abused me as a child rather than keep me. Literally, she was with him for a year or two after she gave me up and only when he said he wanted to have kids with her (sick fuck) and she wouldn't did HE say he would find someone who would!!!!! OMG!!! I would NEVER do that! I would never put a man or anyone above my kids!!! If Hubby hurt my kids, we'd be gone in a heartbeat! I wouldn't put up with it. Thankfully, my hubby is a good man, and a good father, and I don't have to worry about that, but seriously... I was not good enough for her to choose me.
My adoptive mom said to me on many occasions that she wished I would go live with my grandmother and be her problem... And one occasion, she said that when she prayed for a daughter, this [I] was not what she had pictured. I was not a good enough daughter because I was not perfect, and I had issues.
At the girls' home, I could NEVER do anything right, and the director's wife always assumed the worst about me (so did adoptive mom). My art work sucked, I was fat, I was "the worst girl they ever had" which I don't understand, because I was one of the FEW that didn't have a ton of secrets. Amongst the girls, I was one of the good ones! All I EVER wanted was to be her friend, and have her see me for who I was, but she could never do that... I was never good enough for her to like me.
When I got back from the girls' home, I was finally the daughter my mom always wanted, until I met my (now) husband, and I had sex with him. I was no longer perfect, so therefore, no longer good enough...
And now, My husband considers me a 5 on the "man-scale" and has issues with how I choose to parent, and my house is never clean enough, and so, I am not a good enough wife for him...
WOW. No wonder I hate myself. All my life, I have been taught that I am worthless, and I am broken, and I am never going to be good enough, so why on earth wouldn't I believe it!
The counseling and the books I am reading are trying to help me thru this. TO re-think, and re-learn, and put the anger that others have made me feel onto them... For instance, My mom was wrong for saying those things, and it is ok for me to be mad at her. I should not blame myself for her saying those things, because she was the one who was wrong. You just don't say those things to children. I never would, and she shouldn't have. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, no matter what I did or didn't do that prompted her to say them. It was HER bad, and SHE was wrong, not me...
My husband should NEVER say those things. A man should never tell a woman she is less than attractive, even if it might be true, because in doing so, it could destroy her sense of self-worth. We are hard enough on ourselves as women- we don't need men making it worse. HE was wrong for saying those things and being insensitive. While they may be true, He is not justified in saying what he said...
Director's wife was just a mean, bitter, hateful, angry, controlling woman who had no business being in a position of "ministry". She was wrong in how she treated me. I didn't deserve her animosity. I never did. I wasn't the bad person in that situation. She was. She was wrong for treating me and the rest of the girls how she did.
My mother is a selfish, lonely, woman who gave up the best things in her life so she could live her life the way she wanted. Her decision to give me up had nothing to do with me. She did that because she was selfish, and it was wrong of her to do that. I can't believe that she didn't want me... She just didn't want the responsibility of raising a child.
I was raised as a Christian, I have come to HATE Christianity's views on a lot of things. That we are supposed to believe that we are terrible people, and deserve the bad things that happen to us because we are sinful... No wonder so many christians have issues with depression and anxiety, and all that... we are taught from little kids in Sunday school that we are bad people and we deserve the worst punishment ever even thought of: Hell. I do believe we are not perfect people, and that is why we need Christ, but why do we have to make it about what we do or do not do... Why can't we just accept that it is because of the perfection of God, that we need a perfect Savior. Not because we are terrible people that will never be good enough... It isn't about us... It is about God, and His glory... Just my opinion. We can't ever be perfect on our own, and guess what, we aren't expected to... That is why we have a Savior... He was perfect for us, and sacrificed himself so that we could join him in heaven...
I know some of you might not be religious, and forgive me for getting into all of that if you aren't, but this has just been on my mind a lot lately. I get frustrated with the things I have been taught; what I mentioned above, that humility is hating yourself and thinking everyone else is better than you are, that being a christian is all about following a set of rules and regulations...
ANYWAY... I think this is enough for now... I just have a lot to figure out, and a lot to work thru. There has been an extensive amount of trauma in my life, and therefore, there is an extensive amount of damage to heal, but I am worth it, because I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. Now if I can just get to where I can believe all of that...
ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I have stopped gaining, and I have even lost about 4 pounds, and I haven't even been trying! Things are starting to get a little better, I guess.
Love yourselves ladies, and make yourselves the best you can be because you are worth the effort. :)
AnaNae
I also have discovered recently, (I may have already said this) that EVERYONE in my life has made me feel inferior and like I was not good enough for them and that is where most if not all of my current issues stem from. For instance:
Bio-mom chose to be with the man who sexually abused me as a child rather than keep me. Literally, she was with him for a year or two after she gave me up and only when he said he wanted to have kids with her (sick fuck) and she wouldn't did HE say he would find someone who would!!!!! OMG!!! I would NEVER do that! I would never put a man or anyone above my kids!!! If Hubby hurt my kids, we'd be gone in a heartbeat! I wouldn't put up with it. Thankfully, my hubby is a good man, and a good father, and I don't have to worry about that, but seriously... I was not good enough for her to choose me.
My adoptive mom said to me on many occasions that she wished I would go live with my grandmother and be her problem... And one occasion, she said that when she prayed for a daughter, this [I] was not what she had pictured. I was not a good enough daughter because I was not perfect, and I had issues.
At the girls' home, I could NEVER do anything right, and the director's wife always assumed the worst about me (so did adoptive mom). My art work sucked, I was fat, I was "the worst girl they ever had" which I don't understand, because I was one of the FEW that didn't have a ton of secrets. Amongst the girls, I was one of the good ones! All I EVER wanted was to be her friend, and have her see me for who I was, but she could never do that... I was never good enough for her to like me.
When I got back from the girls' home, I was finally the daughter my mom always wanted, until I met my (now) husband, and I had sex with him. I was no longer perfect, so therefore, no longer good enough...
And now, My husband considers me a 5 on the "man-scale" and has issues with how I choose to parent, and my house is never clean enough, and so, I am not a good enough wife for him...
WOW. No wonder I hate myself. All my life, I have been taught that I am worthless, and I am broken, and I am never going to be good enough, so why on earth wouldn't I believe it!
The counseling and the books I am reading are trying to help me thru this. TO re-think, and re-learn, and put the anger that others have made me feel onto them... For instance, My mom was wrong for saying those things, and it is ok for me to be mad at her. I should not blame myself for her saying those things, because she was the one who was wrong. You just don't say those things to children. I never would, and she shouldn't have. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, no matter what I did or didn't do that prompted her to say them. It was HER bad, and SHE was wrong, not me...
My husband should NEVER say those things. A man should never tell a woman she is less than attractive, even if it might be true, because in doing so, it could destroy her sense of self-worth. We are hard enough on ourselves as women- we don't need men making it worse. HE was wrong for saying those things and being insensitive. While they may be true, He is not justified in saying what he said...
Director's wife was just a mean, bitter, hateful, angry, controlling woman who had no business being in a position of "ministry". She was wrong in how she treated me. I didn't deserve her animosity. I never did. I wasn't the bad person in that situation. She was. She was wrong for treating me and the rest of the girls how she did.
My mother is a selfish, lonely, woman who gave up the best things in her life so she could live her life the way she wanted. Her decision to give me up had nothing to do with me. She did that because she was selfish, and it was wrong of her to do that. I can't believe that she didn't want me... She just didn't want the responsibility of raising a child.
I was raised as a Christian, I have come to HATE Christianity's views on a lot of things. That we are supposed to believe that we are terrible people, and deserve the bad things that happen to us because we are sinful... No wonder so many christians have issues with depression and anxiety, and all that... we are taught from little kids in Sunday school that we are bad people and we deserve the worst punishment ever even thought of: Hell. I do believe we are not perfect people, and that is why we need Christ, but why do we have to make it about what we do or do not do... Why can't we just accept that it is because of the perfection of God, that we need a perfect Savior. Not because we are terrible people that will never be good enough... It isn't about us... It is about God, and His glory... Just my opinion. We can't ever be perfect on our own, and guess what, we aren't expected to... That is why we have a Savior... He was perfect for us, and sacrificed himself so that we could join him in heaven...
I know some of you might not be religious, and forgive me for getting into all of that if you aren't, but this has just been on my mind a lot lately. I get frustrated with the things I have been taught; what I mentioned above, that humility is hating yourself and thinking everyone else is better than you are, that being a christian is all about following a set of rules and regulations...
ANYWAY... I think this is enough for now... I just have a lot to figure out, and a lot to work thru. There has been an extensive amount of trauma in my life, and therefore, there is an extensive amount of damage to heal, but I am worth it, because I am a good person, and I deserve to be happy. Now if I can just get to where I can believe all of that...
ON A POSITIVE NOTE, I have stopped gaining, and I have even lost about 4 pounds, and I haven't even been trying! Things are starting to get a little better, I guess.
Love yourselves ladies, and make yourselves the best you can be because you are worth the effort. :)
AnaNae
Friday, November 5, 2010
I need help.
I suck. I hate my husband. I hate myself. I hate everything and everyone. *Except my kids... I love them.* I am just having a really hard time right now. I haven't had sex in probably 2 weeks or more. Pretty much since the day he said I was a 5.
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